Master the Foundations For Persuasion

Assertiveness Aids Persuasion

We own ourselves - body and soul. This ownership grants us specific rights -- they endow us with dignity. Dignity demands an obligation to safeguard our rights. No one can impinge upon them. Others possess these very same rights. We cannot encroach upon these rights. While we expect others to respect our rights, we must also respect others. This principle enshrines the core of assertive behavior.

Assertive behavior sows confidence. Confidence prevents us from yielding weakly in the face of pressure and it puts our needs forward. Anytime, anywhere. We feel good about ourselves because we send a

clear message as to how people should treat us. Assertive behavior requires that we act politely, reasonable and objective. Assertive behaviour requires that we let others know exactly what we want and feel.

As a natural consequence, persuasion cannot occur in the absence of assertive behavior. To convince others, we must be naturally assertive. A weakling cannot sway the mind of an opponent. Victorious persuasion can be easy. First, know your rights. Be aware of where you stand. Then deploy the tools of scientific persuasion. Be forcefully assertive. The first shot fired in the war of wills comes only after invoking the proper mental disposition - through assertiveness. Assertiveness is the first golden key to successful persuasion.

How can you be assertive?

Being assertive is not being passive or being aggressive. It is the balance. It is honoring yourself enough to defend your rights. Timidity is a widespread malady; as a result, many to fail to speak-up when the situation calls for it. Thus, the more dominant individuals steam roller over those with mild-mannered personalities. Everyone has rights that must be held inviolable. As human beings we are all called upon to defend these civil liberties. What rights are these? Etch the following to memory and you will live a life in full command of yourselves.

The Bill of Inalienable Rights

I ALWAYS have the right to:

·         State what I want regardless of whether I can get it.

·         Express my opinion and feelings.

·         Make my own decisions and change it if I wish.

·         Decline from explaining my actions or refuse to give an excuse for it.

·         Turn down a request with out guilt. I can say NO.

·         Accede to a request but put boundaries upon compliance.

·         Not be discriminated against.

How does one act assertively? When defending your bill of rights remember to take four steps

1.       Be Direct. Don't beat around the bush. State your mind (thoughts, ideas, needs) without excuses.

2.       Take full responsibility. Specially when giving opinions, make it clear that it is not a universal truth but your opinion. This step allows people to be more receptive to you. It also enables them to see you as unwavering. Preface your statements with "My feeling is that", "I think...", "In my opinion..." "My understanding....".

3.       Be calm and in control. Let your words, tone, and body language show restraint. Do not let others influence your response,

4.       Be objective and polite. Make no personal or character attacks

Assertive Strategies to Deal with Problem Situations

Difficult people make it hard to assert our rights. The following techniques enable you to parry such people and deal with common tough situations.

Getting Compliance to a Justified Request (The Broken Record Technique)

Have you ever stated a request and were turned down? Did it frustrate you to receive a no to a perfectly legitimate petition? The Broken Record Technique allows you to gain compliance. Many of us have unknowingly employed it before.

Applying it is easy.

Here is the secret: simply decide on the desired outcome then unceasingly repeat the request or statement geared to spawn that desired outcome until you get it. While using this verbal tool, maintain firm determination and an unwavering tone tempered with politeness. Where possible, rephrase the

statement each time to avoid awkwardness. Through brute repetition, you wear down resistance to your request, statement or order.

Handling Criticism (The Clouding Technique)

We all hate criticism. It stings, it scathes. It hurts. It comes our way at least once a day. We can deal with it emotionally, escalate it and risk fraying a relationship. The alternative is to handle it assertively. The

Clouding Criticism Technique defangs fighting words. To "cloud" the criticism is to diffuse it's potential for all out verbal war. The criticism is taken, absorbed, and rendered impotent. Rolling with the punches in this manner yields more results than countering with outright denial.

To cloud the criticism takes six steps:

From the very beginning, focus on the content of the criticism , not the behavior of the critic. Listen emotionlessly. Yielding to emotion leaves you vulnerable to further criticism. Anger and fury attract further criticism as blood lures sharks.

·         Calmly let the opponent talk till satisfied. Allow him to vent his ire into the stream of criticism. Do not interrupt. Be stone-cold silent. This allows him to assuage his fury and gives you the time to assemble a well crafted rebuttal, if need be. Allowing the opponent to lash out unhindered drains him emotionally, leaving him open to a well planned counter-attack.

·         Eliminate all embers. To further decreases his emotional turmoil and kill the fire, ask if there is anything else they might want to add.

·         Acknowledge having heard it. State "I understand that you are concerned about..." This negates the danger of letting the criticism looming indefinitely in everyone's mind.

·         Cloud the Statements. Take the criticism and AGREE with it partially or in principle. This is a very effective method to derail any follow up attacks meant to reinforce angry words. By rolling with the punches instead of countering, you foster a friendlier environment.

Agree with some truth in the criticism. Here's the technique:

·         Clouding the Criticism by Agreeing Partially entails taking his criticism and agreeing with some parts of it. This is effective when being criticized with words that involve sweeping adjectives like "always, never, and forever. Through partial agreement, the attacker's fury diminishes and this leads to more open discussion.

For example:

Criticism: You're always out of town. You never see your friends anymore.

Reply: I agree. I have little time for my friends these days. (agreeing partially)

Clouding the Criticism by Agreeing in Principle, entails fully agreeing with the principle of the criticism but not with the accusation leveraged against you. You admit that the principle is valid, but you nimbly sidestep blame. Agreeing in Principle lessens conflict because the critic gets confused with the quick acceptance of his point. He is thrown off balance and is unsure how to continue. Before he can think of a reply, you can work to defuse further conflict.

Criticism: You're always out of town. You never see your friends anymore.

Reply: I agree. Distance takes away much time for friends. (you agree that out of town trips minimizes time with friends; however you don't accept fault.) Finally, after clouding the criticism, ask what would make things better. Tell him "What would make this situation better for both of us?" Listen to the reply and give your own input. The last step snuffs all residual negativity and focuses the situation of problem

solving. If outright lies pepper the criticism use a secret technique.

The technique of Presuming Innocence parries the criticism while allowing the critic to save face.

The Technique:

Rapport cannot be built by pointing out errors in the logic of the criticism leveraged against you.

Allow your prospects to save face by asking questions until you lose imagination or control.

Presuming Innocence calls for incessant interrogation of the opponent on the reason, motive, factual basis, etc. for his accusation. Say, for instance, "How does that relate to the . . ." (then state the apparently conflicting information). Sometimes, you might find you were wrong, and you "save face." Or, by continued non threatening questions, you can gently corner the other person into self-correcting.

Saying No and Setting Boundaries

Acceptance and Refusal

Saying "yes" when a "no" is meant erodes self-esteem. Remember always, that each one has the right to say no. When pressured for an unwanted "yes", practice the Broken Record technique when declining

with a no. Repeat your no's with as few excuses as possible. While doing so, keep in mind the cost (such as time, stress, resources) an unwanted "yes" might extract from you. Hang on to your no firmly. Ensure that the "no" is accompanied with a calm posture and even tone of voice. To build up your capacity to say no, practice stating no in easy situations to build confidence.

In cases where an outright yes or no is not required, such as when there is partial agreement, state a qualified yes. Simply put, agree to the request but set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable and not

acceptable to you. This is your right. For example, your boss requires that you stay overtime. You agree, but only until 9:00pm, so you state, "Yes, I can take some extra work tonight. I'll stay until 9:00pm tonight."

Situations which call for the expression of boundaries include instances when generosity is taken advantage of and welcome is overstayed.

The Five Most Important Words in the Human Vocabulary

In the human vocabulary there are five most important words.

These words represent an ever-present disposition that dictate the way we behave the way we do. The words are:

What's In It For Me?

A government employee spends hours sorting files to get his daily wage. A philanthropist donates huge sums to charity in order to get that "good-feeling." A missionary worker travels into jungles to achieve a

divine sense of fulfillment. A chief executive duels with tremendous pressure to acquire a fortune.

We do things because we have something to gain. Whatever this gain is, it is the reason we go through the trouble of stressful labor. The temptation of a reward spurs action. Understand now the prime importance of those five powerful words. If you can answer "What Is In It For Him." every time you enter a dialogue, you can win over anyone. To win a debate or argument or to gain concessions you must make the other person see that he has something to gain from doing as you ask. Speak of what you want in terms of what your prospect wants. Make him see that agreeing with you satisfies his self-interest. This principle can be restated in the Leverage

Formula:]

If B = N then P

Translated to English, the formula declares, "If the Benefits you offer (in exchange for his agreement to your idea or request) Equal his pressing Needs, then you can Persuade.

The Top Ten Human Needs –Satisfy Them to Gain Compliance

Human beings possess ten psychological needs. At specific times, some needs press more heavily than others. To persuade, first attempt to discern which general need preoccupies your prospect the most. Upon identifying the general need, discern the specific need spawned by the general need. When you discover the needs that press most strongly, word your request, proposal or idea in such a way that

agreement to your proposal will satisfy his needs. This is the second golden key of persuasion.

The general needs are:

Affection: a desire to belong

Excellence: the drive to win

Esteem: a passion to be admired

Security: a need for protection

Greed: a want for more than the right amount

Recognition: a need for personal worth

Power: a desire for supremacy

Privacy: an urge to protect personal space

Ego: a sense of pride

Liberty: a craving to control one's fate.

Feeding the Feeling of Importance

Of all the needs, one burns brightly almost all the time. Esteem. Should you fail to identify a specific need, work on the need for esteem. Feed your prospect's feeling of importance. You can get anyone to do virtually anything if it makes him feel important. Arrange matters such that someone can achieve that feeling only by acceding to a request you give.

The acronym PRiNCeS arms you with a toolbox to use whenever seeking to satisfy the Feeling of Importance. Feed this need for importance, and doors open to you.

Praise. Praise someone sincerely to boost his esteem. When requiring better work quality from a subordinate, announce that he works in a unique and efficient manner and say that you expect better output from his unique process. Stand back and watch him prove you right. Remember that praise works best only when complimenting a characteristic or trait that is not obvious. When praised, the target of your praise basks in the compliment and does everything in his power to live up to the praise, and to acquire more praise. Subconsciously, he fears doing something that will retract the praise. For you, the persuader, the implication is that your prospect will fulfill your requests or accede to your ideas simply to be worthy of the praise. If someone constantly criticizes your manner of dress, kill further criticism by praising his good style and taste. This paradoxical behavior has a 75% chance of killing any further reproach from him How can he criticize you for something you laude him for?

Reputation. Giving someone an alleged 'good' reputation to live up to is a powerful technique to gain concessions. A common example would involve a subordinate requesting for a raise. He may appeal to the boss's good nature by saying: "I've always known you to be a fair man and that you reward the diligence of your employees. Today, I would like to request for a salary increase because of the sudden bills that piled up." By declaring the boss to have a reputation of fairness, the subordinate boosted his chances of getting what he wanted. The boss would find it hard to turn down a just request when he realizes that he holds the distinction of being a rewarding and fair employer.

Need. We love to help when we feel needed. If we know that our personal actions contribute greatly to a cause or effort and are noticed by those we help, we are more than willing to give in to a request. When attempting persuasion, make your prospect feel that his help is very much desired; that his hand is vital to the success of our endeavors, that he contributes a great deal. Politicians understand this principle. During campaign runs, they visit each and every supporter and personally assure them that without their individual efforts - whether cutting posters, or organizing mass gatherings - the crusade would fail. This 'personal touch' increases the morale of even the lowliest supporter to give his all for a victorious election. Being needed is a wonderful thing.

Challenge. What's our reflex when someone doubts our ability to do something? Prove them otherwise! Throwing a Challenge is a manipulative tool whereby you politely voice doubt about someone's ability to accomplish a task. This doubt spurs zealous action to prove it false. To persuade a lagging supervisor to, say, whip his employees into shape, you might say: "I'm not sure you have the capacity to get those bums of yours to increase production, so I'm thinking of getting a consultant to do the job instead." Watch the recipient of this reverse psychology get right down to work! To prove his capabilities, your

unwitting supervisor will exhaust all resources on his own initiative.

Superiority. If you need someone's staunch support or competent help, acknowledge their superiority. For the moment, assume that you are running a production deadline. Your men are behind schedule and you badly require assistance from a think tank in another department. Inter-department rivalry normally hinders such cooperation so you attack the matter smartly. You approach an able and quick thinking candidate who may just solve the bottlenecks and say, "I've always admired your work; you're the best project manager this entire division has and no problem has ever stumped you. Right now, I need your expertise which I cannot get elsewhere. May I have a few hours of your time?" Play on someone's pride this way, and you're bound to reap bountiful concessions. When someone is acknowledged as superior, he'll go all the way to prove it.

As you read the previous paragraphs, and realize that man possesses certain innate psychological needs, you acquire mastery of the human driving force. Knowledge of how people think and act is important; more significant is knowing that people act to fulfill specific needs. This knowledge enables you to convince effectively. By knowing what others need and crave for, and by putting your position, or idea in a deftly worded request that compliments someone's needs, your chances for successful persuasion skyrockets. Remember this key always. Elicit the belief that your idea is to his or her benefit. Create this belief in his or her mind by feeding their feeling of importance: use praise, show that they are needed, acknowledge their superiority, give them a reputation to live up to, or give a challenge to prove their skills.

Leveraging Your Vocal Power (The Golden Tongue)

We do most of our communication with our voice. To convey thoughts, ideas and needs we use our facility of speech. Does your voice work for or against you? Persuasive speakers know that vocal quality ranks just as importantly as the speech content. Tempo, speed, timbre, resonance, inflection... all these factors influence how well your message is received. It is important to put your best voice forward. A weak voice undermines your assertion and dulls your persuasive edge.

Whether you are persuading, wooing or ordering, learn to speak with confidence. You can radiate charm with your voice! This chapter teaches essential voice enhancing techniques that can make your pitch irresistible. Most of the advice draw from common sense – we consistently need to be reminded of what we already know.

Your Voice on Steroids - Pump Up the Charm!

Speak from the stomach. Untrained speakers normally breathe from the upper part of their chest when articulating, thereby robbing power from their full vocal potential. By exhaling from the stomach as you speak, you can add luster and gusto to your vocal quality. You voice instantly lowers and acquires a fuller and richer tone.

To harness this method of speaking, practice talking while pressing your hand against your stomach. Feel yourself exhaling from your abdomen as you breathe out your words. Experience the rumbling of your stomach as you enunciate. When you get the hang of it, listen to yourself in a voice recorder. You'll be pleasantly surprised by the change. Whiny, high pitched speakers can dramatically improve their vocal tone through this simple exercise.

Charge your words emotionally. A flat voice bores and annoys. Vary your vocal quality by making emotionally charged words sound emotional. When you say, "enticing", do make it sound enticing. Curl

your tongue and breathe out the word "enticing" enticingly.

When you utter "excited," do sound excited. Ring out with eagerness. Squeal a bit. When you say "confidence," brace yourself and thunder the word confidence in a firm tone. Speakers who employ this technique easily gain followers. Their enthusiasm resounds clearly, shrouding them in a mantle of charisma.

Use proper inflection. Learn to end statements, orders and declaratives with a downward inflection. This entails ending your statements with a period. Queries can also be ended with a downward inflection. Upward inflections weaken a statement. Questions normally end in upward inflections. Notice how weak questions sound.

Match your prospect's tone and tempo. A great way to build rapport is to match the rate at which your prospect speaks and to mimic his inflections. By approximating his manner of speech, you subconsciously gain his trust and approval. Persuasion becomes a lot easier.

Stand properly. Air cannot travel well if you slouch. Clear your throat, stand tall and proud. Pretend that a cord attached to the ceiling and directly connected to your head pulls your spine taut.

Notice a great improvement! Show, Don't Tell. Charge your speech with color and "visuals." Visual snapshots enervate and persuade more effectively than a thousand words. Instead of labeling a person, situation or object, describe it objectively to drive home your message. This is the art of word painting.

Compare the drab version and the colorful, restated version: (labeling) "The day was so beautiful. I enjoyed it!" versus--> (describing) "I saw fleecy clouds sailing across a sea-blue sky. The birds kept knocking at my window. Later, the afternoon brought gentle rains that watered the carpet of flowers outside.

Rather than labeling, report what you see, hear or feel! When praising someone's handiwork, don't say ,"That is quality work.". Instead, say, "Your craftsmanship shows meticulous attention to design as well as smooth plaster finishing." It is up to the other person to interpret your objective reports.

The Show Don't Tell technique also works great when correcting others. Report the facts as you see them. Don't color it with judgments. When you receive an unsatisfactory repair job, don't say, "My mechanic is lousy; he does a terrible job." Instead, say, "My mechanic forgot to replace the oil hose,

which led to the breakdown of the internal combustion engine.

Now I have a useless vehicle." Those whom you complain to will appreciate your objectivity and respond receptively.

In Summary:

What you say is important. How you say it is all the more crucial. Harness the power of your voice!

Save your relationship

Do you know that out of every 10 couples courting, only 6% ends up getting married and after marriage, only 2% stay together forever. The key a long lasting and enjoyable relationship with your spouse is communication. Communication is more of a body language than spoken words. A very clear example is a heart touching story a friend shared with me. I would appreciate your comment after reading this story. It is often the most overlooked aspect of in most relationship. When this happens, couples start seeing their weaknesses in each other and instead of focusing on what brought them together, they start criticizing each other on what the spouse has not done for him or her. Their choices of words changes from “us” to “I” or “you”. This creates more tension between the couples and widens the gap between them. Is this the ideal relationship you want? The most important things they used to value starts fading away slowly and the intimacy between them goes likewise. There is no problem in life without a solution. If your situation looks similar to this or your relationship is at the brink of collapsing, don’t give up yet because I have some great news for you. The only way to achieve your enjoyable relationship you once had is to go back to the basics. If your question is how? Then this book is just for you. Follow the link below and get a copy of this book, save your relationship and thank me later. Click Here!<\a">Save your relationship! Click Here!<\a">Relationship Secrets

Love and Relationships

Are you in a committed healthy romantic relationship that's very good for not only you, but equally for the person you love. Love and relationships are to become made for ever, not only a few days. Take a look into getting your life much more enjoyable and purposeful by realizing how to act when it comes to those you care most for. The greatest thing to do in a romantic relationship is to care for the other person´s needs ahead of your own. Being selfless is the core of what love is all about. If you're having issues with selfishness you need to deal with them successfully ahead of coming into a marriage or other serious personal relationship. Why pull another individual into your issues? In the event you really desire to help them, you'll need to put them before yourself. This suggests sacrifice. Selfish individuals aren't prepared to make sacrifices for other people. If you're this way, save the individual you claim to adore the painfulness of finding out. An additional significant factor of love and relationships will be the neglected virtue of commitment. Society tends to make it difficult for a guy and a lady to maintain the dedication of holy matrimony. Within the United states of america one is actually compelled to fork out much more taxes should you be married than should you just stay together. But what does "staying together" tell society? It tells the world you desire the pleasures and advantages of matrimony with no dedication. Again, this really is selfish. Don't forget; love isn't self-centered. Do the right thing. In case you genuinely would like to live for a partner, make an open public commitment of holy matrimony and get the advantages of a clear conscience as well. For anyone who is seeking to become married to end your being lonely, this is a self-centered reason. Are you going into a marriage to help make yourself happier? How many individuals are doing this very thing and rendering their lives and the lives of others unpleasant during the process? Love and relationships are created to be mutually satisfying to both persons. If one side starts to have unrealistic expectations, it could be a ticking time bomb of feelings. What will happen when both parties have unrealistic expectations? This really is a formula for failure. When coming into critical personal romantic relationships, it can be very good to have wide open communication channels. You ought to discuss all the expectations you might have plus the other half must do likewise. The word "all" is emphasized in that previous sentence. Money, sex, the long term, kids and any other important topic should be brought out in to the discussion and frankly pointed out. Getting transparent and sincere may be the greatest policy in romance. Love and relationships are to be held in high esteem when they're seen within the bonds of marriage. This partnership will be the bonding fabric of humankind. In case you mess it up, you aren't doing anybody a favour. About three of five marriages in the Usa are faltering, according to available data. Do not be a contributor of this break down of the social structure. In case you are not one to keep your word, especially in marriage, it's best to keep out of the romantic relationship. Get your life in order. Grow to be the person that others can model their existence around. Later on, enter into a meaningful romantic relationship that makes the other person the object of importance. Be selfless and become happy. Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/love-and-relationships-2227996.html#ixzz0tkicgvui Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

COMMUNICATION, THE HEART OF EVERY RELATIONSHIP

Lying there with her on the bed, I was carefully searching for the right word and waiting for the time to tell her I wanted the relationship to end. I had endured the low moment in our one-year relationship. The misunderstandings, the give-me-sex now issue, the financial pressure, the fashion craze, the open-your-mouth-and-talk quarrels, and the very ward attitude of her family members. When you are angry with a situation, you grab every opportunity to do what you want. I was just looking for the right words to nail it. My girlfriend had once been an immaculate, faultless angel in my eyes. Tall, slim dark, curvy, perfect waist, full lips pointed nose and lovely eyes. She was everything I’d ever wanted. The early days in our lasting had brought me a new lease on life and romance. At some point, things had started going wrong; the attraction was dwindling fast because the pain in my heart was becoming unbearable. I was sex-starred. I had told her wanted her more often because it would be wrong to cheat on her. It was an ideal she welcomed. However, despite our new agreement, she was still not responding. I felt she being cruel and inconsiderate. I even searched the web to find out why a woman would not want sex often. The most annoying part was that when I wanted to talk things out, she would not talk. I started using certain names and adjectives on her and finally blurted out, ” I am the opinion that we gives ourselves some time”. She asked me if that was the best option. I said yes. In anger, I grabbed her cell phone, started looking in the sent folder and saw a message that was meant for me. It was a reply to one of mine but had not been delivered possibly because of network failure. It read:”…. I am tired of these relationship wahala. You should not be the only complaining of been in stared. I am too. The problem I have is the pain I am left with after each time we make love. I should have told you before now…” I ask her what it meant and she told me she was not comfortable with my favorite sex position, on hearing that, I immediately felt guilty but calm. I had been the cause of the problem. I blamed myself for failing to master the art of listening. Simply put, neither of us had learnt to communicate properly with one anther. Problems in a relationship are usually called by miscommunication. If verbal communication does not do the trick, it is our duty to find out which style of communication would work. It could be written body language. You have to find out which one is best. Save your love. Save your relationship. Learn to talk, learn to listen. Listen to communicate. Devise a means by which to do so. It is an integral part of love making. It is an art. Something is unspoken. Listen for it. I came so close to blowing our relationship. I had not been through enough or skilled enough to know my lady. Thank goodness the situation was rescued.

How to Win When Your Mate Cheats

So the person you love cheated. You are raging (!), you feel humiliated and played, and you probably want to murder the lying traitor. (I know; I've been there!) But now, what are you REALLY gonna do? When a betrayal happens TO you, it really happens FOR you. Betrayal signals that your relationship has been on shaky ground. You can either avoid this truth, or you can finally do something about it. You can choose to: 1. Become a "poor me" VICTIM. Depressing! 2. Become a vengeful FIGHTER. Exhausting! 3. Become a take-charge WINNER. Triumphant!! Betrayal can move you toward a richer future, IF YOU USE IT AS A TOOL FOR HEALING. BETRAYAL AS A TOOL FOR HEALING involves 10 Must-Knows: 1. YOU MUST KNOW the definition of a cheataholic: cheataholic, n. 1. Sl. love junkie. 2. person addicted to hidden passions, secret flirtations, and illicit romances behind the back of an unsuspecting partner. 3. Biochem. person who repeatedly seeks the rush of exhilaration that accompanies falling in love. 2. YOU MUST KNOW that cheataholics are not motivated by sex alone. They are your average Jack or Jill who entered a committed union with the best of intentions. Acknowledging that the thrill is gone, they are now terrified that they no longer are appealing. They are so desperate to prove their (sexual) worth, they put their own needs above others and engage in unsavory and dangerous activities. 3. YOU MUST KNOW that the 7-year itch has gotten younger, and like your car, you must invest in attention and maintenance from the moment you begin to love. If you slack off, your mate may feel abandoned and act out, particularly if s/he is insecure. 4. YOU MUST KNOW that despite the screaming headlines of infidelity from Christie Brinkley's husband, Madonna, A-Rod, former Governor Eliot Spitzer, and more, there are still 2.5 million weddings each year in the U.S. The industry spends $40 - $70 BILLION annually, as people still opt for marriage and monogamy! 5. YOU MUST KNOW that the one you love is the one you'll leave. The qualities you found endearing at first can eventually wear on you: the careful money manager is now seen as a tightwad; the powerful mate is now seen as controlling. Recognize what originally turned you on, and continue to embrace it. 6. YOU MUST KNOW that the fear of lovelessness is real. The only way around that is to love yourself unconditionally so you can project to others how they can love you. 7. YOU MUST KNOW that you can unlearn the behaviors that haven't served you. After a betrayal, 65% of mates stay together, and with guidance, build a stronger union. Of the 35% who split, most question why they waited so long. 8. YOU MUST KNOW how to recognize relationship Red Flags when you see them-and leave skid marks beside the people who don't enhance YOU. 9. YOU MUST KNOW that there are 4 coping skills for dealing with a betrayer: avoidance, coercion, soothing, and confrontation-the last of which is the ONLY one that can really heal your woes. 10. YOU MUST KNOW that you have the power to mend or to end your suffering. The only question is whether you are ready and willing. ARE YOU?

Signs of a Cheater - How to Know If Your Partner is Being Unfaithful With You

Cheating seems to be something that is happening more and more as time passes by. It has almost become a trend. You are part of the norm if you or someone else has cheated. Unfortunately it has caused a whirlwind of devastating results, and it seems that there is more hurt, conflict and dysfunction going around then ever before. Cheating isn't just a sexual thing. It can be done in the form of satisfying emotional needs. Just through friendship, if your partner seeks emotional fulfillment through another person this is just as much cheating as connecting physically. Whatever your case may be, it is important to know if your partner is being unfaithful to you. Here are the following signs. Signs Of An Intimate Encounter- This is the most easiest to identify. If your partner frequently leaves the room to answer calls, distances themselves from you regularly, if they are more confrontational and irritable than usual, or if they have a peculiar odor. Know that any of these are possible signs that your partner is being unfaithful. You need to look into this more carefully, and you can do so by becoming very inquisitive with them. Ask them a lot of questions and make it clear that you are on to something. They will probably avoid answering, by making a lot of excuses or constantly changing the subject. You should not let this go unexamined. Take all the measures possible to get to the bottom of this. Look For Hints Of Intimate Conversation- This can take form in the way of texting, emails, phone calls at weird hours, cyberchatting, letters. This requires some detective work to determine whether in fact your partner is engaging in one of these cheating activities. The good thing is that you have technology on your side. There are a variety of tools available to take all the guesswork out of any means of communication that uses electronics. For cell phones, you have "phone detective" which gathers all deleted messages, numbers, contacts, etc. You can use this to figure out whether or not your partner had any intimate call behind your back. You can use "message logging software" for you computer which records all activities that take place on it. If your partner is having late night chat sessions, or webcam chats, you will have access to all of their activities, through the software. And the most simple easy-to-use program is the "reverse phone lookout" All you have to do here is enter the number of the person you suspect, and you will have all the personal information for this number. Now That You Have All The Tools- You will be able to get to the bottom of this now. If in fact they are cheating, don't let it bring you down. Your partner should be pitied for doing things in such a uncaring, deceptive way. They have obviously no standards, and this is not your problem to worry about.

Get Tips on Fixing a Broken Relationship

When it comes to useful tips on fixing a broken relationship one of the things we hear all the time is that couples need to work on how they communicate. That may sound weird to a lot of people, they may think: we talk all the time. But talking and communicating may not be the same thing. It's important that you both learn how to listen to the other person too. But even this isn't enough, since it's very easy to hear what you want to hear and not what is being said. It's also easy for the person who is talking to not express themselves clearly which can open the door to misunderstandings. For all these reasons, and the myriad of ways your communication can go awry (without either of your realizing what is going on) it's often best to get an outside source to help the two of you learn better ways of communicating. This outside source can be a trained therapist who can teach you new techniques and allow you to 'practice' on new and better ways of expressing yourself and hearing what the other person is really saying. Again, this may sound weird, but think about it for a minute. Haven't you ever had an occasion where you were talking to your partner and you asked them if they wanted to do something and they said 'yes', but you could tell by their tone, the way they held their head, or other body language cues that the real answer was 'no'? I know that happens all the time with me and my partner, and I'll bet you can remember it happening to you too, if you try. This is a classic example of poor communicating. In this case I'm not hearing what they say but I'm hearing what they mean, they are the ones who aren't clearly communicating what they really want. This is a small and unimportant example, but what do you think happens in relationships when this type of miscommunication happens all the time, with big important subjects as well as small inconsequential things? That's why most couples who want to work on their relationship need to target their communication skills first. If you and your partner aren't comfortable with (or don't have the money for) talking to a therapist, there are many wonderful self help books around that can help you fix the problems in your relationship. You can easily get some online, and many of them are sold as ebooks so you can download them immediately. You can also go to your local library and get them for free, or your local bookstore. The choice is yours, but it's nice to have a choice! If you want to work on your relationship I highly recommend you start with these tips on fixing a broken relationship since communication (or lack thereof) is one of the biggest problems any couple will face and it's often tough to spot or even realize that's what the problem is. Save Your Relationship with the 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships.Click Here!

Are You Ready For Your Ideal Relationship?

What does it take to be ready for a new relationship? Some people have a tendency to jump into a new relationship too soon wondering why it doesn't work out for them in the end. While others let the fear of intimacy take over and keep themselves single saying they are not ready. This article will outline three major points of what it takes to be ready and hopefully give you an idea of where you stand. This is a good question, what does it take to be ready for a relationship? How do you know if you are ready? Chances are that if you meet someone you really like before you're ready for a commitment, your relationship will not work out. Most likely one of the two things will happen: you will either leave the relationship because you're not ready to commit or this person will leave you because she or he doesn't quite feel the same about you. In other words, you can't be fully available to anyone until you are ready, therefore you will most likely attract unavailable partners. The good news is that you can prevent this from happening and you can create your ideal relationship by learning how to become emotionally available to yourself and therefore get yourself ready. To be ready for your next healthy loving relationship you need three things. One, you need to be at piece with all your feelings about all your past relationships. Two, you need to know what you want in your next relationship and finally, accept yourself as being good enough for the kind of person you wish to attract. Now lets get into more details about this. How can you reach closure with all your previous relationships? I can tell you right now that the biggest blocks that will surely stop you from attracting your soul mate is still having strong feelings for someone in your past. Whether you are actually still in love with your ex or not, you may still have resentments, unresolved anger, guild or blame - any feelings, positive or negative will only indicate that you still have feelings. You may be able to attract someone new, but you will not be able to be fully available to this person. Getting closure doesn't have to involve contact with your ex. A closure is something that has to come from within you and all you need is yourself and your willingness to let go. More importantly, you need to forgive yourself and forgive your ex for what happened or did not happen. Now that you have put your past behind you, let's look into your future. What kind of relationship do you wish to attract? Saying, "someone whom I would love, who would also love me," is not enough. You need to be more specific about what you need, what works well for you and what does not work with your personality. Most people think they know what they want when they see it, but it doesn't work this way. You have to know what you want first, then you will be able to see it. Until you know exactly what you want, you will be attracting emotionally unavailable men or women who will only meet your needs partially but not completely. Though it is important to be physically attracted to your mate, don't get too hung up on physical characteristics. You want to be open, not controlling. Sometimes we have tendencies to diminish or limit ourselves when we talk about what we want because we don't believe we can have it. When it comes to love, the last thing you want to do is limit yourself. Love has no limits and neither should your ability to attract your ideal relationship. Don't settle for anything less than what you want or deserve. My Healthy Relationship. Created By World Renowned Hypnotherapist Steve G. Jones, My Healthy Relationship Is Designed To Help You Enhance Any Relationship. This Is An Audio Program Consisting Of 4 Modules And A Self Hypnosis Session.Click Here!

Understanding family relationships

One of the most difficult matters to confront with respect to family relationships is that you don’t control the entire relationship yourself. Whether the relationship thrives or withers isn’t up to you alone. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. When major family relationship problems are encountered, it’s common to attempt a control strategy. You try to get the other person to change. Sometimes this approach works, especially if your request and the other person are both reasonable. But many times it just leads to frustration. On the other hand, if you can’t change the other person, maybe you should just accept them as they are. That’s another strategy that sometimes works, but this one can also lead to frustration and even resentment if your needs aren’t being met. There is, however, a third alternative for those times when changing the other person and accepting the other person as-is are both unworkable for you. And that option is to change yourself in a way that solves the problem. This requires that you redefine the problem as an internal one instead of an external one, and then the solution will take the form of an expansion of your awareness and/or a change in your beliefs. An internal way of viewing relationship problems is that they reflect back to you a part of yourself that you dislike. If you have a negative external relationship situation, it’s a reflection of a conflict in your own thinking. As long as you keep looking outside yourself for the answer, you may never resolve the external problem. But once you start looking inside yourself for the problem, it may become easier to solve. What you’ll find when you tackle such problems is that you harbor one or more beliefs that perpetuate the relationship problem in its current form. Those beliefs are the real problem — the true cause of the unhealthy relationship. For example, consider a problematic relationship between yourself and another family member. Suppose you hold the belief that you must be close to every family member simply because they’re related to you. Perhaps you’d never tolerate this person’s behavior if it came from a stranger, but if the person is a relative, then you tolerate it out of a sense of duty, obligation, or your personal concept of family. To push a family member out of your life might cause you to feel guilty, or it could lead to a backlash from other family members. But genuinely ask yourself, “Would I tolerate this behavior from a total stranger? Why do I tolerate it from a family member then?” Exactly why have you chosen to continue the relationship instead of simply kicking the person out of your life? What are the beliefs that perpetuate the problematic relationship? And are those beliefs really true for you? I love my parents and siblings unconditionally (I have two younger sisters and one younger brother). However, I haven’t had a particularly close-knit relationship with any of them for many years. There was no major falling out or anything like that — it’s just that my personal values and lifestyle have moved so far from theirs that there isn’t enough basic compatibility to form a strong common bond anymore. My parents and siblings are all of the employee mindset with a very low tolerance for risk, but as an entrepreneur, risk is my favorite breakfast. My wife and kids and I are all vegan, while my parents and siblings celebrate the holidays with the traditional consumption of animals. I don’t recall anyone in my family ever saying, “I love you,” while I grew up, but with my own kids I’m very affectionate and strive to tell them I love them every day. My parents and siblings are all practicing Catholics, but I left that behind 17 years ago in order to explore other belief systems. (Technically within their belief system, I’m doomed to hell, so that sorta puts a damper on things.) Even though this is the family I grew up with and shared many memories, our core values are so different now that it just doesn’t feel like a meaningful family relationship anymore. Despite all these differences, we’re all on good terms with each other and get along fairly well, but our differences create such a big gap that we have to settle for being relatives without being close friends. If you operate under the belief that family is forever and that you must remain loyal to all your relatives and spend lots of time with them, I want you to know that those beliefs are your choice, and you’re free to embrace them or release them. If you’re fortunate enough to have a close family that is genuinely supportive of the person you’re becoming, that’s wonderful, and in that situation, you’ll likely find the closeness of your family to be a tremendous source of strength. Then your loyalty to family closeness will likely be very empowering. On the other hand, if you find yourself with family relationships that are incompatible with your becoming your highest and best self, then excessive loyalty to your family is likely to be extremely disempowering. You’ll only be holding yourself back from growing, from achieving your own happiness and fulfillment, and from potentially doing a lot of good for others. If I retained a very close relationship with my birth family, it would be like putting a lampshade over my spirit. I wouldn’t be the person I am today. My way of dealing with my family situation was to broaden my definition of family. On one level I feel an unconditional connection with all human beings, but on another level, I see people with whom I share a deep compatibility as my true family. For example, my wife and I both have a strong commitment to doing good for the planet as best we can, which is one reason we each find each other attractive. And that’s partly why she’s my best friend as well as my wife. When I see people who are living very, very consciously and deliberately and who’ve dedicated their lives to the pursuit of a worthy purpose, I have a strong sense that on some level, those people are members of my family. And this connection feels more real to me than the blood relationships I was born into. Loyalty is a worthy value, but what does it mean to be loyal to one’s family? Since loyalty is very important to me, I had to refine my view of this concept to place loyalty to my highest and best self above loyalty to the people I was born with. That was a difficult mental shift to make, but in the long run it has given me a sense of peace. I realize now that family is a concept which is capable of extending far beyond blood. What I’m suggesting is that in order to solve family relationship problems, which exist at one level of awareness, you may need to pop your consciousness up a level and take a deeper look at your values, beliefs, and your definitions of terms like loyalty and family. Once you resolve those issues at the higher level, the low level relationship problems will tend to take care of themselves. Either you’ll transcend the problems and find a new way to continue your relationship without conflict, or you’ll accept that you’ve outgrown the relationship in its current form and give yourself permission to move on to a new definition of family. You see… when you say goodbye to a problematic relationship issue, you’re really saying goodbye to an old part of yourself that you’ve outgrown. As I became less compatible with my birth family, I also gradually dropped parts of myself that no longer served me. I drifted away from rigid religious dogma, from fear of risk-taking, from eating animals, from negativity, and from being unable to say, “I love you.” As I let all of those things pass from my consciousness, my external-world relationships changed to reflect my new internal relationships. As within, so without. If you hold onto conflict-ridden relationships in your life, the real cause is your inner attachment to conflict-ridden thoughts. When you alter the mental relationships within your own mind, your physical world will change to reflect it. So if you kick negative thoughts out of your head, you will find yourself simultaneously kicking negative people out of your life. There is a wonderful rainbow at the end of this process of letting go, however. And that is that when you resolve conflicts in your consciousness that cause certain relationships to weaken, you simultaneously attract new relationships that resonate with your expanded level of consciousness. We attract into our lives more of what we already are. If you don’t like the social situation you find yourself in, stop broadcasting the thoughts that attract it. Identify the nature of the external conflicts you experience, and then translate them into their internal equivalents. For example, if a family member is too controlling of you, translate that problem into your own internal version: You feel your life is too much out of your control. When you identify the problem as external, your attempted solutions may take the form of trying to control other people, and you’ll meet with strong resistance. But when you identify the problem as internal, it’s much easier to solve. If another person exhibits controlling behavior towards you, you may be unable to change that person. However, if you feel you need more control in your life, then you can actually do something about it directly without needing to control others. I’ll actually go so far as to say that the purpose of human relationships may be the expansion of consciousness itself. Through the process of identifying and resolving relationship problems, we’re forced to deal with our internal incongruencies. And as we become more conscious on the inside, our relationships expand towards greater consciousness on the outside.