Leveraging Your Vocal Power (The Golden Tongue)

We do most of our communication with our voice. To convey thoughts, ideas and needs we use our facility of speech. Does your voice work for or against you? Persuasive speakers know that vocal quality ranks just as importantly as the speech content. Tempo, speed, timbre, resonance, inflection... all these factors influence how well your message is received. It is important to put your best voice forward. A weak voice undermines your assertion and dulls your persuasive edge.

Whether you are persuading, wooing or ordering, learn to speak with confidence. You can radiate charm with your voice! This chapter teaches essential voice enhancing techniques that can make your pitch irresistible. Most of the advice draw from common sense – we consistently need to be reminded of what we already know.

Your Voice on Steroids - Pump Up the Charm!

Speak from the stomach. Untrained speakers normally breathe from the upper part of their chest when articulating, thereby robbing power from their full vocal potential. By exhaling from the stomach as you speak, you can add luster and gusto to your vocal quality. You voice instantly lowers and acquires a fuller and richer tone.

To harness this method of speaking, practice talking while pressing your hand against your stomach. Feel yourself exhaling from your abdomen as you breathe out your words. Experience the rumbling of your stomach as you enunciate. When you get the hang of it, listen to yourself in a voice recorder. You'll be pleasantly surprised by the change. Whiny, high pitched speakers can dramatically improve their vocal tone through this simple exercise.

Charge your words emotionally. A flat voice bores and annoys. Vary your vocal quality by making emotionally charged words sound emotional. When you say, "enticing", do make it sound enticing. Curl

your tongue and breathe out the word "enticing" enticingly.

When you utter "excited," do sound excited. Ring out with eagerness. Squeal a bit. When you say "confidence," brace yourself and thunder the word confidence in a firm tone. Speakers who employ this technique easily gain followers. Their enthusiasm resounds clearly, shrouding them in a mantle of charisma.

Use proper inflection. Learn to end statements, orders and declaratives with a downward inflection. This entails ending your statements with a period. Queries can also be ended with a downward inflection. Upward inflections weaken a statement. Questions normally end in upward inflections. Notice how weak questions sound.

Match your prospect's tone and tempo. A great way to build rapport is to match the rate at which your prospect speaks and to mimic his inflections. By approximating his manner of speech, you subconsciously gain his trust and approval. Persuasion becomes a lot easier.

Stand properly. Air cannot travel well if you slouch. Clear your throat, stand tall and proud. Pretend that a cord attached to the ceiling and directly connected to your head pulls your spine taut.

Notice a great improvement! Show, Don't Tell. Charge your speech with color and "visuals." Visual snapshots enervate and persuade more effectively than a thousand words. Instead of labeling a person, situation or object, describe it objectively to drive home your message. This is the art of word painting.

Compare the drab version and the colorful, restated version: (labeling) "The day was so beautiful. I enjoyed it!" versus--> (describing) "I saw fleecy clouds sailing across a sea-blue sky. The birds kept knocking at my window. Later, the afternoon brought gentle rains that watered the carpet of flowers outside.

Rather than labeling, report what you see, hear or feel! When praising someone's handiwork, don't say ,"That is quality work.". Instead, say, "Your craftsmanship shows meticulous attention to design as well as smooth plaster finishing." It is up to the other person to interpret your objective reports.

The Show Don't Tell technique also works great when correcting others. Report the facts as you see them. Don't color it with judgments. When you receive an unsatisfactory repair job, don't say, "My mechanic is lousy; he does a terrible job." Instead, say, "My mechanic forgot to replace the oil hose,

which led to the breakdown of the internal combustion engine.

Now I have a useless vehicle." Those whom you complain to will appreciate your objectivity and respond receptively.

In Summary:

What you say is important. How you say it is all the more crucial. Harness the power of your voice!

Seduction (The Principles of Romance)

For many of us, the world is filled with strangers. Romance is an elusive dream that flits away the harder we try. A loveless destiny. Condemned to such a fate, can one bear to live on?

Men are social beings. Food, water, and shelter are vital to survival. These alone cannot bring happiness, though -- not even owning a private yacht nor the entire Bank of England.

Men and women thrive on love. Each one has a deep psychological need to be cared for. Love is a potent force. Poets immortalized its power in ballade, song, parchment and story.

Love launched ships, caused the division of clans and brought ruin to nations. The power of love cannot be underestimated. Man breathes love as surely as he breathes oxygen. Love gives life.

To be loved is to be cared for in a special way that is uniquely different from the next person. Loving is caring and satisfying deep emotional needs. Show this care with special words and actions that fill these needs, and that special person you care for will start caring back. This is the principle of romance. Give and you receive.

Romance Theory holds three tenets, based soundly upon psychological principles.

Romance Theory -

· We like people who like us first. We tend to get attracted to someone who displays attraction to us. Also, we prefer that people like us first before we like them. The best way to get the ball rolling is to start manifesting attraction instead of hiding it.

· Romance begins with someone initiating contact; once someone has taken the initiative, there will exist a natural urge in the other person to respond positively. This principle declares that a relationship begins only with someone taking the first step. No--it doesn't have to be the man to do so. Women can initiate by engaging the man in lighthearted conversation.

· An upbeat personality allures. We love happy people. We bask in their presence. One can be more attractive by acting happy. The quickest way to add ten more points to your allure quotient is by smiling and radiating bliss. Negative opinions, and beak outlooks should be minimized at the start of a romantic escapade. Conversation should include positive and optimistic material. The first contact is not yet the time to discuss debts, a pending murder trial or a recent AIDS infection.

Winning the Love Game

The previous principles underlie the up-coming techniques that make falling in love and attracting others a painless and delightful game. It is a timeless game that reaps happiness for the victorious.

Flirting, attracting and mesmerizing -- this is the game of seduction. Those unskilled at this art behave boorishly, often repelling instead of attracting. Seduction, despite it's contaminated connotation, is pure. It is an innocent act whereby one identifies the secret needs of the other and satisfies these needs.

Flirtation is just the beginning phase of seduction. During this phase, the man or the woman makes obvious his or her attraction. Once successful, the true seduction occurs. Seduction occurs at an emotional, physical and spiritual level. That is why seduction ends with two people falling in love.

Romance theory must now give way to technique. Use these techniques and reap the bounty of romance.

The Techniques of Seduction.

Make the First Move. People can die waiting. It doesn't pay to hunker by the sidelines. Keep waiting, and not just life, but love will pass you by. Patience is a virtue, but it doesn't help to keep waiting till old age. The right man or woman may never approach you. They may also be waiting to be approached!

Remember that to get a reaction, you must act first. Seize the initiative and you will get a positive response. Romeo, Don Juan and James Bond never waited to be approached. They made the first move. Someone has to make the first move. It might as well be you.

Energize yourself with optimistic thoughts. Relax. Adrenalin tends to rush in these instances. Adrenalin is necessary to outrace rabid dogs, but it can mess up your chances of charming the object of your desire.

Notice how clammy your hands get, how your pulse quickens? Breathe deeply for 15 seconds as slowly as you can. This will lower your heart rate. Apply the 180 degree think method mentioned earlier in this book.When your systems normalize, make the approach.

Don't use any of the passé, corny pick-up lines. They are degrading. The best opening gambit would be:

"Hi! I can't help but notice you. My name is ___________. May I have the pleasure of your company?"

Believe it or not, this line works better than all the rest. Simple, and direct, it communicates sincerity. If you can, spice it with a dash of humor. To buttress your chances of getting even more noticed, following up with a compliment or a question can help. Observe her carefully and decide upon a not-so-obvious character trait or accessory that you can compliment on. Make your compliment sincere. False flattery alwaysfails.

Study the body language of your prospect. Should it be closed, mirror that closed posture, then slowly open up yours. Subconsciously, she will follow suit, and when she does, so will her frame of mind. It's a sly move used by specially trained individuals to promote receptivity.

The Happy Virus. Infect her with happiness. Make excitement and delight surge through you. Let your eyes sparkle. Smile. Grin broadly. Happiness is contagious. Be glad to be around that person. Let your intonation drip with mirth. Two happy people can discover miracles in each other. Happy people create relationships. When we choose a partner, we look for someone we foresee will make us happy. You have a greater chance wooing that girl with a grin, rather than a grimace.

Appear enthusiastic, as well as happy. Show that you have a passion for life. Manifest your zest. Discuss each thing as though it meant much to you. Make an effort to recognize that there are dark and bright sides to life, but you will be willing to dwell only about the lighter side of things. Be upbeat and win her heart!

Let her talk. You do the listening. Men talk too much. They brag about their achievements, their objectives, the many girls they slept with. Discussing these in detail, and at length will not only bore, it will repel even the most patient girl. Seduction is a form of yielding and giving. Give in to the other person. Satisfy her ego. Satisfy her needs to tell her own stories, to narrate her triumphs.

A great seduction technique is to encourage the object of your affection to keep talking. Formulate open-ended questions and listen in rapture to her responses. Lean forward as you listen. Gaze into her eyes with interest. Pretend that no one else is in the room -- not even if a dazzling blonde sits next to you. Never interrupt as you listen. Pause for two seconds at the end of her statements then gently prod with more open ended questions. Your respectful silence will let her feel more understood, more loved.

As you listen, overwhelm her with positive body language. Lean forward slightly, uncross your arms and legs. Nod frequently. Maintain non-aggressive eye contact. When she requests feedback, simply paraphrase her statements. Echo your understanding of what she said. Don't go off-topic. You will kill the developing rapport.

Be patient. Listen expectantly. Don't rush her. Accept what is being said without approval or criticism. The time for that will come later. At this early stage, you must show how well you listen! Listening works miracles because you satisfy deep psychological needs. Listening can be the most potent aphrodisiac.

Women (men, all the more) crave to share about themselves. Notice how we love to talk about our victories, our plans, about how great and marvelous we are. About sixty percent of conversational statements have the word "I" in it; this signifies just how important the ego is to each human being.

When women talk, they love to talk about themselves and seek validation and agreement from their listeners. By listening silently and attentively, you validate what is being said. Listen intently and you broadcast a hidden message: I love what I'm hearing; go on!!

Listen with all your heart. It is the highest praise. Without uttering a single word, the simple act of listening can win you intense admiration -- and her heart!

Emphasize similarity. Listening is important. When you listen with your entire being, you render the supreme worship. The act of listening demonstrates profound respect and sensitivity. Listening wins half the battle in the quest for romance.

However, listening alone is not enough. You must prove that both of you are alike. Remember one of the basic rules of psychology: we like those who are like ourselves. Assume that you've listened all night, paraphrased her statements and prodded with information seeking questions. Your date will marvel at how thoughtful you were. You've satisfied her ego and bolstered her self esteem. When she gets home, she'll bask in the afterglow of that wonderful conversation. She'll think that she's had a great time sharing about herself.

Then, she'll think about you. Try as she might, her recollection of you will be vague. Why? Because you haven't mentioned a word about yourself. She will just remember how well you've listened. Being a good listener won't encourage her to see you again. Once the memory of how well you've listened fades, she may move on, seeking men who possess wonderful qualities other than listening.

Listening is therefore just part of the formula to complete seduction. To attract her totally, you must convince her that you are worthy of her love. The best way to carry out this urgent mission is to show her that you are just like the person she loves most: herself! People love those who are like themselves. This wonderful principle of psychology can secure you romantic happiness. Convince her that you are just like her. An average Joe is Don Juan to his lady if she believes they share the same interests, outlooks, opinions and beliefs.

When your lady shares aspects of herself, listen! Then say, " Me too! I am just like that...." Find common experiences. Wherever you can, interject emphasize similarities in taste. Seek out obscure facts that identify you to her, then mention it. Paying attention to details that she reveal becomes critical at this point. Mentally tag down her hot buttons -- subjects she loves discussing and express your enthusiasm for them. Emphasizing similarities guarantee that the relationship will continue beyond this first encounter. This act cements friendship not only between members of the opposite sex, but between same sex acquaintances as well.

Stand your ground. Claim your independence. Make it clear that you have goals. You will strive for your aspiration, despite the outcome of your relationship. Independent men and women are very attractive.

Exhibit decisiveness. Move with purpose and vigor. Allow a little flexibility, but show that you will not compromise your inner principles. Principled men and women are sexy.

Exhibit that you are opinionated. Make it clear that you sit no fences. Should you disagree on a topic hang on to your point while making it clear that her views are as valid as yours.Disagree agreeably. Accept that many sides surround an argument. Listen to her points then thank her for presenting a side that enlightened and complimented your understanding!

Praise. Don't flatter. Do praise. Seek obscure aspects about your date that you may praise. It may be her manner of walking, her bag or that little tattoo on the shoulder. Praise should be moderated. Too much and you risk dampening its effects. Too little, and you might be perceived. as hard to please. Whet her appetite with just enough praise. Sprinkle it when she least expects it. Throw her off balance. Don't lavish her with praises for five minutes then be silent the remaining hour.

Praise must be sincere. Don't compliment a girl's long locks when she's obviously balding. Here's where honesty is the best policy. Don't criticize. This is the time to remain either positive or neutral. If she serves a terrible beef casserole and asks for your opinion, state something neutral or vague. A response might be, "It could almost be Carribean, had you added white sauce. But in its present condition, I'd say

it's Intercontinental Style." Let her interpret it as praise or criticism! Of course you could always be safe and say, "No Comment!"

In summary:

Life and love bring so much anxiety! To succeed in a job, at academics, in love or at whatever endeavor requires initiative. You can't harvest the farm till after you've sowed, watered and fertilized. In the garden of love, you take the first steps. You initiate contact. Rejection is still a possibility. That's the catch. But nothing in life is without risk. Taking the first step gives you 99% chance of success. Sitting and

waiting gives you a .05% probability of getting a lifetime partner. Work for your dreams and your fancies can bloom into reality.

10 Things Parents Can Do to Help Prevent Eating Disorders

1. Examine the ways in which your beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors about your own body and the bodies of others have been shaped by the forces of weightism and sexism. Then educate your children about (a) the genetic basic differences in body types; and (b) the nature and ugliness of prejudice.

2. Examine closely your dreams and goals for your children and other loved ones. Are you overemphasizing beauty and body shape, particularly for girls? Avoid conveying an attitude which says in effect, “I will like you more if you lose weight, don’t eat so much, look more like the slender models in the ads, fit into slimmer clothes, etc. Decide what you can do and stop doing to reduce teasing, criticism, blaming, staring, etc., that reinforce the vilification of overweight and the glorification of slenderness.

3. Learn about and discuss with your sons and daughters, (a) the dangers of trying to alter one’s body shape through dieting; (b) the value of moderate exercising toward stamina and cardiovascular fitness; and (c) the importance of eating a variety of foods in well-balanced meals consumed at least three times a day. Avoid dichotomizing foods into “good/safe/no-fat or low-fat vs. bad/dangerous/fattening.” Be a good role model in regard to sensible eating, sensible exercise, and self-acceptance.

4. Make a commitment to exercise for the joy of feeling your body move and function effectively, not to purge fat from your body or compensate for calories eaten.

5. Make a commitment not to avoid activities (such as swimming, sunbathing, dancing) simply because they call attention to your weight and shape. Similarly, refuse to wear clothes that are uncomfortable or that you dislike, simply because they divert attention from weight or shape.

6. Practice taking people in general and women in particular, seriously for what they say, feel, and do, not for how slender or “well put together” they appear.

7. Make a commitment to help children (both male and female) appreciate and resist the ways in which television, magazines, and other media distort the true diversity of human body types and imply that a slender body means power, excitement, and sexuality.

8. Make a commitment to educating boys about the various forms of violence against women, including weightism, and their responsibilities for preventing it.

9. Encourage your children to be active and to enjoy what their bodies can do and feel like. Do not limit their caloric intake unless a physician requests that you do this because of a medical problem.

10. Do whatever you can to promote the self-esteem and self-respect of your daughters, nieces, and sisters in intellectual, athletic, and social endeavors. Give boys and girls the same opportunities and encouragement.
Be careful not to suggest that females are less important than males, e.g., by exempting males from housework and childcare. A well-rounded self and solid self-esteem are perhaps the best antidotes to mindless dieting and disordered eating.

8 Simple Ways to Control Stress!

Simple modifications in posture, habits, thought, and behavior often go a long way toward reducing feelings of stress and tension. Here are 8 quick and simple things you can do immediately to help keep your stress level under control.

1.  Control Your Anger:

Watch for the next instance in which you find yourself becoming annoyed or angry at something trivial or unimportant, then practice letting go - make a conscious choice not to become angry or upset. Do not allow yourself to waste thought and energy where it isn't deserved. Effective anger management is a tried-and-true stress reducer.

2.  Breathe:

Breathe slowly and deeply. Before reacting to the next stressful occurrence, take three deep breaths and release them slowly. If you have a few minutes, try out breathing exercises such as meditation or guided imagery.

3.  Slow Down:

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by stress, practice speaking more slowly than usual. You'll find that you think more clearly and react more reasonably to stressful situations. Stressed people tend to speak fast and breathlessly; by slowing down your speech you'll also appear less anxious and more in control of any situation.

4.  Complete One Simple To Do:

Jump start an effective time management strategy. Choose one simple thing you have been putting off (e.g. returning a phone call, making a doctor's appointment) and do it immediately. Just taking care of one nagging responsibility can be energizing and can improve your attitude.

5.  Get Some Fresh Air:

Get outdoors for a brief break. Our grandparents were right about the healing power of fresh air. Don't be deterred by foul weather or a full schedule. Even five minutes on a balcony or terrace can be rejuvenating.

6.  Avoid Hunger and Dehydration:

Drink plenty of water and eat small, nutritious snacks. Hunger and dehydration, even before you're aware of them, can provoke aggressiveness and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress.

7.  Do a Quick Posture Check:

Hold your head and shoulders upright and avoid stooping or slumping. Bad posture can lead to muscle tension, pain, and increased stress.

8.  Recharge at the Day’s End:

Plan something rewarding for the end of your stressful day, even if only a relaxing bath or half an hour with a good book. Put aside work, housekeeping or family concerns for a brief period before bedtime and allow yourself to fully relax. Don't spend this time planning tomorrow's schedule or doing chores you didn't get around to during the day. Remember that you need time to recharge and energize yourself - you'll be much better prepared to face another stressful day.

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Caregiver Burnout

I’m feeling overwhelmed and guilty, what should I do? How often do those thoughts pop up in the course of a caregiver’s day or week? People today are feeling tremendous pressure to “do it all,” taking care of children and aging parents while maintaining career and home. Instead of having a sense of accomplishment, many people feel guilt when they run out of energy to handle all of the tasks. “Being a member of the ‘sandwich generation’ is like being a slice of bologna, expected to give taste and meaning to two slices of bread … your children on one side, and your parents on the other side.”

The great myth of our time is that we should be able to “do it all,” like previous generations seem to have done. The truth is that some of our parents and
grandparents did care for their parents at home, however, the reality is that there was a close extended family available to pitch in and share the care.
Pablo Casals, the world renowned cellist said, “The capacity to care is the thing that gives life its deepest significance and meaning.” Learning your potential for caregiver burnout and developing a plan of action will help you avoid the frustration, depression, and despair that comes with losing that capacity to care.

Causes of Caregiver Burnout
One of the most common causes of caregiver burnout is the changing of roles that happens between adult children and their aging parents. The dynamics that keep a family together suddenly change, and the line that separates parental and child roles becomes blurred. Another cause of caregiver burnout is the expectations the caregiver has for the outcome of the caregiving. Often the rewards are intangible and far off, and the lack of control he or she feels over the situation is compounded by other factors such as lack of finances, little or no family support, or poor management and planning skills. When the caregiver places unrealistic goals on the outcome, there is no solid sense of direction. Feelings of isolation become more prevalent as the caregiver sees himself or herself spiraling downward into a pool f frustration and despair.

Preventing Caregiver Burnout
You can prevent caregiver burnout by taking the following actions.
■ Know yourself and take a reality check of your situation. Recognize your potential for caregiver burnout. If you can recall an instance of attitude change because of stress, then you’re a candidate for burnout.
■ Know how to be a caregiver. The more you know about the illness of the person you’re caring for and strategies for caregiving, the more effective you will be.
■ Develop new tools for coping. Remember to lighten up and accentuate the positive. Stay healthy by eating right, and getting plenty of exercise and sleep. Take an occasional break from caregiving and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Take advantage of support groups made up of other care-givers who have experienced what you are going through. Their knowledge and experience can provide invaluable support.
■ Plan your days by assigning priorities. Don’t forget to take some time to reward yourself. Have hope and live in the moment. Remember the saying, “by the yard it’s hard, but by the inch it’s a cinch.” Resources that you can use to assist you in your search for assistance are your local Area Agency on Aging.

Helping Children Cope with Stress

Introduction
Stress is a response to change or conflict. It is usually considered to be negative and damaging. However, not all forms or levels of stress are bad. Competing in sports and achieving in school or at work are examples of positive stressors. Stress becomes negative when the pressures surrounding these and other situations become too great or when several small stressors occur at once, and one can no longer adjust. It is becoming evident that this type of stress overload is taking its toll on children as well as adults.

This publication explains how stress exists in your child's world from infancy through the teen years. You will learn how to recognize signs of stress and help your child express, understand, and manage pressure. Suggestions on preventing excessive stress for your child also are provided.

Children and Stress
How your child reacts to stress depends upon both your child and the source of stress. Many children have survived catastrophes without permanent emotional or psychological damage, while other children cannot easily adjust to less traumatic experiences. The personality of the child, as well as available support from family members, plays a major role in the child's ability to handle stressful situations.

Developmental or Normative Stress
Another important factor influencing your child's reaction to stress is the actual nature of the stressor--the situation or event that causes the stress. One category of stressors is called developmental or normative stress. Developmental stress accompanies the normal growing experiences of childhood. Some examples of this type of stressor are: dealing with strangers as an infant, being separated from parents, starting or changing schools, and adjusting to puberty. Most children deal with this form of stress quite successfully and become able to adapt to the changes that cause it by learning from the changes. Basic stress management methods that will be used throughout your child's life are developed during this growth process. Normative stress carries with it a low level of risk for your child's overall development.

Critical Stress
Other family and personal pressures can be more intense and critical to your child's well-being than normative stressors. This type is called critical stress. These stressors are events that do not occur in every child's life, but are common. Some examples include unusually high or low levels of stimulation, moving to a new home, or the child being hospitalized. These events create medium levels of risk to your child's development. Changes in your child's usual behavior and personality might be seen in response to critical stress. Although more serious and threatening than developmental stress, most children manage to overcome these critical pressures if family members and friends are sensitive and supportive.

Catastrophic Stress
Serious unexpected events often produce the most severe and catastrophic stress reactions in children. Some examples of this level of stress are: serious illnesses of the child or a family member, natural disasters, and abuse of the child. This level is associated with the highest risk for the child. The child experiencing such a crisis is often too overwhelmed to use basic resources for dealing with pressure and fear. A child suffering this level of stress has a great need for the understanding and support of family members, and may require more specialized care and counseling than parents are prepared or able to provide on their own.
Chart 1 outlines the three types of stress and gives examples of each for various age levels.

Recognizing Stress in Your Child
Stress is a physical tension of the mind and body which must be released for survival. Stress becomes a problem when pressure builds up to a point where the person can no longer adjust to changes in life. Releasing stress can be done in numerous ways which effect the child physically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Because children have individual personalities, they react and handle stress in their own, often unpredictable, ways. Seven-year old Kim reacts to attending a new school by bullying the other children. In a similar setting, eight-year-old Kathy becomes shy and withdrawn in the new classroom. One child may be deeply upset by a given event, while another may not give a second's notice to the same situation.

Recognizing stress reactions in children is not always easy. Even if you regularly discuss issues with your children, you may discover that they are slow to talk about problems which trouble them. Children think the world revolves around them; therefore, they sometimes feel they cause events. Often these events are not positive, and the children end up feeling misplaced guilt. Children may be scared or embarrassed to mention problems or negative feelings, especially if life at home is unsettled. You must not depend on words alone to signal when your child is upset. A child often will deny being troubled. Changes in behavior and personality are better signs of stress overload in children. A list of several common behaviors that can signal tension in children follows. Although they are arranged under specific age levels, most of these behaviors can be seen in children of any age. Most of them are normal characteristics of a child's development. However if the behaviors occur constantly, or if several of them persist over a long period of time, they may indicate a problem.

Understanding and Helping to Control Your Child's Stress
It is easy to ignore or laugh away children's worries and concerns when comparing them to adult problems. Adults may say, "Why are you worrying about making the basketball team? It's not THAT important. You should have my worries!" But landing a spot on the junior high basketball team may be just as important to your child as a job promotion is to you. Remember what it was like to be five, nine, or fifteen years old. Problems are just as real to children at that age as they are to you at your age.


At times it may seem that children live in separate worlds of play and fantasy. Do not be fooled into believing that your children are not aware of changes taking place. A divorcing parent may say, "My child is too young to realize what divorce is, or to understand why we're splitting. She doesn't need to be worried about such things. It's enough that I'm falling apart about the divorce." Your children will not be protected or spared from any stress by being uninformed about major family events or crises. Children are talented at seeing and hearing matters from which they are supposed to be shielded. Although children may recognize family events or crises and even be aware of global issues like the nuclear arms race, they do not have the same resources as adults for dealing with the resulting stress. There are several developmental reasons for this:

* Children do not have mature reasoning skills;
* They lack an accurate understanding of cause and effect; and
* They have not had the chance to become skilled at handling stress.

For example, a mother was telling a friend that she was going to traffic court to argue a parking ticket and would not be able to pick up her daughter from school that morning. When the daughter arrived at school, she burst into tears moaning that her mom was going to jail and she would never see her again. You may decide not to tell your children about the divorce, the up-coming hospital visit, or Grandma's death, but by piecing together a few words or a change in behavior, your children may create their own version of what has happened. Often their account can be far from realistic and much more dramatic than the actual situation. Spare your children added harm and stress. When a situation arises that will affect them in some way, discuss it with them honestly, simply, and at their level of understanding.

Preventing Stress Overload
Your child cannot be protected from stress totally. Yet, you can help your child prevent pressures from building to a dangerous level. It is difficult to foresee what situations may strongly affect your child. However, there are several life experiences for which any child can be prepared. Reading books and discussing issues with your child can help assist in preparing him or her for a new experience or change in life. Visits and other activities also can be helpful. What follows is a list of suggestions for helping to prepare your children for a variety of common childhood stressors.

Birth of a Sibling
When planning or expecting another child, prepare your other children for the new arrival before the birth. Share books about babies and allow your children to join in the preparations and possibly the delivery. Hospitals often have sibling preparation programs for children. Communicate that the baby will belong to the whole family, not just to Mom and Dad.

Starting School
Before your child starts school for the first time or changes schools, it is a good idea to visit the school while it is in session. Have your child meet the teacher. Practice walking to the school or riding the bus.

Moving to a New Home
If you are expecting to move to a new city or neighborhood, remember to consider what the area has to offer your child. Take car rides through the area before the actual move takes place, or obtain photos of the new home. Allow your child to grieve the loss of old friends and places. Letter writing after the move can be helpful.

Illness
Hospitalization or a visit to the emergency room can be quite disturbing to a child. Prepare your child to know what to expect. Check your community's hospital or talk with your physician about available hospital preparation programs and on-site visits if you expect a hospital stay.
Natural Disasters
Your child can be prepared for handling emergencies such as a fire, storm, or other disaster. Teach him or her basic safety and emergency rules. Many community agencies often hold first aid courses for children. Look into them for your child.

Divorce
If you and your spouse decide to divorce, do not leave your child uninformed. Children are aware of problems at home. While it may be difficult, a truthful discussion about the divorce will make things easier in the long run. Such discussion should lessen the chance of your child developing imagined fears or misplaced guilt.

Death
Your child can be prepared for the feelings of loss which go with death. Useful learning experiences for examining life and death issues can be gained from the death of a pet or even the life cycle of a plant. Let your child attend funeral services of distant relatives or friends with you. The death of someone not close to the family is likely to be less emotional for you and your child than the death of a close friend or family member. It provides a chance for you and your child to discuss the subject.

Helping Your Child Manage Stress
Some stress is a normal part of growing and living because your child's world--and your child--are constantly changing. Normal pressures and tension will naturally disappear as your child's reasoning and mental skills grow and experiences increase. This is especially true for the stress that accompanies developmental growth.

However, when stress reaches the crisis level in your child, help from family members, a teacher, the family doctor, or other professionals may be necessary. In most cases, though, you can help your child cope with pressures of childhood by using the following techniques:

Think of how you react to stress. Children learn from imitating the actions of parents and other adults. You may be surprised to discover that he or she reacts to pressures the same way you do. If you do not like what you see, a change may be in order for all.

Try to remember what it was like to be your child's age. View the situation on the child's level of understanding. Only by looking at the problem through your child's eyes can you grasp your child's feelings, reactions, and fears. Do not deny or make fun of your child for his or her worries. These worries are real to your child and need your attention.

Talk with your child about his or her concerns and problem behavior. Communication is a source of information, comfort, and security. Tension often reaches the boiling point when children feel like they are facing a source of stress alone. Knowing that their worries can be expressed helps relieve some of the pressure, as well as builds a more rewarding parent-child relationship.

Tell your child the truth about family matters and crises. Your child does not live in a bubble. If you do not provide honest and simple accounts of a stressful event, your child will probably create an even more alarming explanation. The goal is to lessen or prevent your child's stress. Explanations which are simple, accurate, and at the proper level of understanding are best.

Involve your child in decision-making and problem-solving processes when dealing with sources of stress. This will encourage your child's feelings of power and control. Sources of stress will be with your child throughout life, so by providing your child the necessary tools for handling stress now you will be helping him or her to cope with stress better later as well.

Select good children's books about stress and fears to read with your child. Books about hospitalization, starting school, death, divorce, a new brother or sister, and other life events are good sources of honest information. They can clear up misunderstandings and feelings for your child, as well as help you to discuss difficult topics. They can assure your child that there are others in the world with the same problem, and give suggestions on how to manage the situation. Recommended children's books about sources of stress are listed at the end of this publication.

Use art and puppets to help your child express feelings and concerns. Through the use of art materials, your child can express feelings and thoughts that might be considered negative and unacceptable. These thoughts and feelings then can be handled in an acceptable manner. Learning to express emotions through creative channels gives the child an outlet for built-up tension that can be used throughout life. Because young children are limited in verbal ability, strong feelings can be expressed through art experiences which involve psychomotor activity, such as clay for pounding, paper for tearing and cutting, and nails for hammering. Puppets and dolls provide opportunities to examine reality, rehearse solutions, express emotions, gain control over situations, and encourage discussion.

Provide physical outlets to vent built-up tension. The inner tension that is stored needs to be released. Encourage your child to participate in physical activity when pressures seem ready to explode. Possibly join your child in biking, swimming, running, or even gardening. Physical activity releases negative tension through positive action. It is also important to get plenty of rest and eat nutritionally balanced meals during periods of high stress. Be generous with hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection. Your child needs love and understanding more than ever during times of stress.