Graphcard
Friday, February 11, 2011
Caregiver Burnout
I’m feeling overwhelmed and guilty, what should I do? How often do those thoughts pop up in the course of a caregiver’s day or week? People today are feeling tremendous pressure to “do it all,” taking care of children and aging parents while maintaining career and home. Instead of having a sense of accomplishment, many people feel guilt when they run out of energy to handle all of the tasks. “Being a member of the ‘sandwich generation’ is like being a slice of bologna, expected to give taste and meaning to two slices of bread … your children on one side, and your parents on the other side.”
The great myth of our time is that we should be able to “do it all,” like previous generations seem to have done. The truth is that some of our parents and
grandparents did care for their parents at home, however, the reality is that there was a close extended family available to pitch in and share the care.
Pablo Casals, the world renowned cellist said, “The capacity to care is the thing that gives life its deepest significance and meaning.” Learning your potential for caregiver burnout and developing a plan of action will help you avoid the frustration, depression, and despair that comes with losing that capacity to care.
Causes of Caregiver Burnout
One of the most common causes of caregiver burnout is the changing of roles that happens between adult children and their aging parents. The dynamics that keep a family together suddenly change, and the line that separates parental and child roles becomes blurred. Another cause of caregiver burnout is the expectations the caregiver has for the outcome of the caregiving. Often the rewards are intangible and far off, and the lack of control he or she feels over the situation is compounded by other factors such as lack of finances, little or no family support, or poor management and planning skills. When the caregiver places unrealistic goals on the outcome, there is no solid sense of direction. Feelings of isolation become more prevalent as the caregiver sees himself or herself spiraling downward into a pool f frustration and despair.
Preventing Caregiver Burnout
You can prevent caregiver burnout by taking the following actions.
■ Know yourself and take a reality check of your situation. Recognize your potential for caregiver burnout. If you can recall an instance of attitude change because of stress, then you’re a candidate for burnout.
■ Know how to be a caregiver. The more you know about the illness of the person you’re caring for and strategies for caregiving, the more effective you will be.
■ Develop new tools for coping. Remember to lighten up and accentuate the positive. Stay healthy by eating right, and getting plenty of exercise and sleep. Take an occasional break from caregiving and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Take advantage of support groups made up of other care-givers who have experienced what you are going through. Their knowledge and experience can provide invaluable support.
■ Plan your days by assigning priorities. Don’t forget to take some time to reward yourself. Have hope and live in the moment. Remember the saying, “by the yard it’s hard, but by the inch it’s a cinch.” Resources that you can use to assist you in your search for assistance are your local Area Agency on Aging.
The great myth of our time is that we should be able to “do it all,” like previous generations seem to have done. The truth is that some of our parents and
grandparents did care for their parents at home, however, the reality is that there was a close extended family available to pitch in and share the care.
Pablo Casals, the world renowned cellist said, “The capacity to care is the thing that gives life its deepest significance and meaning.” Learning your potential for caregiver burnout and developing a plan of action will help you avoid the frustration, depression, and despair that comes with losing that capacity to care.
Causes of Caregiver Burnout
One of the most common causes of caregiver burnout is the changing of roles that happens between adult children and their aging parents. The dynamics that keep a family together suddenly change, and the line that separates parental and child roles becomes blurred. Another cause of caregiver burnout is the expectations the caregiver has for the outcome of the caregiving. Often the rewards are intangible and far off, and the lack of control he or she feels over the situation is compounded by other factors such as lack of finances, little or no family support, or poor management and planning skills. When the caregiver places unrealistic goals on the outcome, there is no solid sense of direction. Feelings of isolation become more prevalent as the caregiver sees himself or herself spiraling downward into a pool f frustration and despair.
Preventing Caregiver Burnout
You can prevent caregiver burnout by taking the following actions.
■ Know yourself and take a reality check of your situation. Recognize your potential for caregiver burnout. If you can recall an instance of attitude change because of stress, then you’re a candidate for burnout.
■ Know how to be a caregiver. The more you know about the illness of the person you’re caring for and strategies for caregiving, the more effective you will be.
■ Develop new tools for coping. Remember to lighten up and accentuate the positive. Stay healthy by eating right, and getting plenty of exercise and sleep. Take an occasional break from caregiving and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Take advantage of support groups made up of other care-givers who have experienced what you are going through. Their knowledge and experience can provide invaluable support.
■ Plan your days by assigning priorities. Don’t forget to take some time to reward yourself. Have hope and live in the moment. Remember the saying, “by the yard it’s hard, but by the inch it’s a cinch.” Resources that you can use to assist you in your search for assistance are your local Area Agency on Aging.
Helping Children Cope with Stress
Introduction
Stress is a response to change or conflict. It is usually considered to be negative and damaging. However, not all forms or levels of stress are bad. Competing in sports and achieving in school or at work are examples of positive stressors. Stress becomes negative when the pressures surrounding these and other situations become too great or when several small stressors occur at once, and one can no longer adjust. It is becoming evident that this type of stress overload is taking its toll on children as well as adults.
This publication explains how stress exists in your child's world from infancy through the teen years. You will learn how to recognize signs of stress and help your child express, understand, and manage pressure. Suggestions on preventing excessive stress for your child also are provided.
Children and Stress
How your child reacts to stress depends upon both your child and the source of stress. Many children have survived catastrophes without permanent emotional or psychological damage, while other children cannot easily adjust to less traumatic experiences. The personality of the child, as well as available support from family members, plays a major role in the child's ability to handle stressful situations.
Developmental or Normative Stress
Another important factor influencing your child's reaction to stress is the actual nature of the stressor--the situation or event that causes the stress. One category of stressors is called developmental or normative stress. Developmental stress accompanies the normal growing experiences of childhood. Some examples of this type of stressor are: dealing with strangers as an infant, being separated from parents, starting or changing schools, and adjusting to puberty. Most children deal with this form of stress quite successfully and become able to adapt to the changes that cause it by learning from the changes. Basic stress management methods that will be used throughout your child's life are developed during this growth process. Normative stress carries with it a low level of risk for your child's overall development.
Critical Stress
Other family and personal pressures can be more intense and critical to your child's well-being than normative stressors. This type is called critical stress. These stressors are events that do not occur in every child's life, but are common. Some examples include unusually high or low levels of stimulation, moving to a new home, or the child being hospitalized. These events create medium levels of risk to your child's development. Changes in your child's usual behavior and personality might be seen in response to critical stress. Although more serious and threatening than developmental stress, most children manage to overcome these critical pressures if family members and friends are sensitive and supportive.
Catastrophic Stress
Serious unexpected events often produce the most severe and catastrophic stress reactions in children. Some examples of this level of stress are: serious illnesses of the child or a family member, natural disasters, and abuse of the child. This level is associated with the highest risk for the child. The child experiencing such a crisis is often too overwhelmed to use basic resources for dealing with pressure and fear. A child suffering this level of stress has a great need for the understanding and support of family members, and may require more specialized care and counseling than parents are prepared or able to provide on their own.
Chart 1 outlines the three types of stress and gives examples of each for various age levels.
Recognizing Stress in Your Child
Stress is a physical tension of the mind and body which must be released for survival. Stress becomes a problem when pressure builds up to a point where the person can no longer adjust to changes in life. Releasing stress can be done in numerous ways which effect the child physically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Because children have individual personalities, they react and handle stress in their own, often unpredictable, ways. Seven-year old Kim reacts to attending a new school by bullying the other children. In a similar setting, eight-year-old Kathy becomes shy and withdrawn in the new classroom. One child may be deeply upset by a given event, while another may not give a second's notice to the same situation.
Recognizing stress reactions in children is not always easy. Even if you regularly discuss issues with your children, you may discover that they are slow to talk about problems which trouble them. Children think the world revolves around them; therefore, they sometimes feel they cause events. Often these events are not positive, and the children end up feeling misplaced guilt. Children may be scared or embarrassed to mention problems or negative feelings, especially if life at home is unsettled. You must not depend on words alone to signal when your child is upset. A child often will deny being troubled. Changes in behavior and personality are better signs of stress overload in children. A list of several common behaviors that can signal tension in children follows. Although they are arranged under specific age levels, most of these behaviors can be seen in children of any age. Most of them are normal characteristics of a child's development. However if the behaviors occur constantly, or if several of them persist over a long period of time, they may indicate a problem.
Understanding and Helping to Control Your Child's Stress
It is easy to ignore or laugh away children's worries and concerns when comparing them to adult problems. Adults may say, "Why are you worrying about making the basketball team? It's not THAT important. You should have my worries!" But landing a spot on the junior high basketball team may be just as important to your child as a job promotion is to you. Remember what it was like to be five, nine, or fifteen years old. Problems are just as real to children at that age as they are to you at your age.
At times it may seem that children live in separate worlds of play and fantasy. Do not be fooled into believing that your children are not aware of changes taking place. A divorcing parent may say, "My child is too young to realize what divorce is, or to understand why we're splitting. She doesn't need to be worried about such things. It's enough that I'm falling apart about the divorce." Your children will not be protected or spared from any stress by being uninformed about major family events or crises. Children are talented at seeing and hearing matters from which they are supposed to be shielded. Although children may recognize family events or crises and even be aware of global issues like the nuclear arms race, they do not have the same resources as adults for dealing with the resulting stress. There are several developmental reasons for this:
* Children do not have mature reasoning skills;
* They lack an accurate understanding of cause and effect; and
* They have not had the chance to become skilled at handling stress.
For example, a mother was telling a friend that she was going to traffic court to argue a parking ticket and would not be able to pick up her daughter from school that morning. When the daughter arrived at school, she burst into tears moaning that her mom was going to jail and she would never see her again. You may decide not to tell your children about the divorce, the up-coming hospital visit, or Grandma's death, but by piecing together a few words or a change in behavior, your children may create their own version of what has happened. Often their account can be far from realistic and much more dramatic than the actual situation. Spare your children added harm and stress. When a situation arises that will affect them in some way, discuss it with them honestly, simply, and at their level of understanding.
Preventing Stress Overload
Your child cannot be protected from stress totally. Yet, you can help your child prevent pressures from building to a dangerous level. It is difficult to foresee what situations may strongly affect your child. However, there are several life experiences for which any child can be prepared. Reading books and discussing issues with your child can help assist in preparing him or her for a new experience or change in life. Visits and other activities also can be helpful. What follows is a list of suggestions for helping to prepare your children for a variety of common childhood stressors.
Birth of a Sibling
When planning or expecting another child, prepare your other children for the new arrival before the birth. Share books about babies and allow your children to join in the preparations and possibly the delivery. Hospitals often have sibling preparation programs for children. Communicate that the baby will belong to the whole family, not just to Mom and Dad.
Starting School
Before your child starts school for the first time or changes schools, it is a good idea to visit the school while it is in session. Have your child meet the teacher. Practice walking to the school or riding the bus.
Moving to a New Home
If you are expecting to move to a new city or neighborhood, remember to consider what the area has to offer your child. Take car rides through the area before the actual move takes place, or obtain photos of the new home. Allow your child to grieve the loss of old friends and places. Letter writing after the move can be helpful.
Illness
Hospitalization or a visit to the emergency room can be quite disturbing to a child. Prepare your child to know what to expect. Check your community's hospital or talk with your physician about available hospital preparation programs and on-site visits if you expect a hospital stay.
Natural Disasters
Your child can be prepared for handling emergencies such as a fire, storm, or other disaster. Teach him or her basic safety and emergency rules. Many community agencies often hold first aid courses for children. Look into them for your child.
Divorce
If you and your spouse decide to divorce, do not leave your child uninformed. Children are aware of problems at home. While it may be difficult, a truthful discussion about the divorce will make things easier in the long run. Such discussion should lessen the chance of your child developing imagined fears or misplaced guilt.
Death
Your child can be prepared for the feelings of loss which go with death. Useful learning experiences for examining life and death issues can be gained from the death of a pet or even the life cycle of a plant. Let your child attend funeral services of distant relatives or friends with you. The death of someone not close to the family is likely to be less emotional for you and your child than the death of a close friend or family member. It provides a chance for you and your child to discuss the subject.
Helping Your Child Manage Stress
Some stress is a normal part of growing and living because your child's world--and your child--are constantly changing. Normal pressures and tension will naturally disappear as your child's reasoning and mental skills grow and experiences increase. This is especially true for the stress that accompanies developmental growth.
However, when stress reaches the crisis level in your child, help from family members, a teacher, the family doctor, or other professionals may be necessary. In most cases, though, you can help your child cope with pressures of childhood by using the following techniques:
Think of how you react to stress. Children learn from imitating the actions of parents and other adults. You may be surprised to discover that he or she reacts to pressures the same way you do. If you do not like what you see, a change may be in order for all.
Try to remember what it was like to be your child's age. View the situation on the child's level of understanding. Only by looking at the problem through your child's eyes can you grasp your child's feelings, reactions, and fears. Do not deny or make fun of your child for his or her worries. These worries are real to your child and need your attention.
Talk with your child about his or her concerns and problem behavior. Communication is a source of information, comfort, and security. Tension often reaches the boiling point when children feel like they are facing a source of stress alone. Knowing that their worries can be expressed helps relieve some of the pressure, as well as builds a more rewarding parent-child relationship.
Tell your child the truth about family matters and crises. Your child does not live in a bubble. If you do not provide honest and simple accounts of a stressful event, your child will probably create an even more alarming explanation. The goal is to lessen or prevent your child's stress. Explanations which are simple, accurate, and at the proper level of understanding are best.
Involve your child in decision-making and problem-solving processes when dealing with sources of stress. This will encourage your child's feelings of power and control. Sources of stress will be with your child throughout life, so by providing your child the necessary tools for handling stress now you will be helping him or her to cope with stress better later as well.
Select good children's books about stress and fears to read with your child. Books about hospitalization, starting school, death, divorce, a new brother or sister, and other life events are good sources of honest information. They can clear up misunderstandings and feelings for your child, as well as help you to discuss difficult topics. They can assure your child that there are others in the world with the same problem, and give suggestions on how to manage the situation. Recommended children's books about sources of stress are listed at the end of this publication.
Use art and puppets to help your child express feelings and concerns. Through the use of art materials, your child can express feelings and thoughts that might be considered negative and unacceptable. These thoughts and feelings then can be handled in an acceptable manner. Learning to express emotions through creative channels gives the child an outlet for built-up tension that can be used throughout life. Because young children are limited in verbal ability, strong feelings can be expressed through art experiences which involve psychomotor activity, such as clay for pounding, paper for tearing and cutting, and nails for hammering. Puppets and dolls provide opportunities to examine reality, rehearse solutions, express emotions, gain control over situations, and encourage discussion.
Provide physical outlets to vent built-up tension. The inner tension that is stored needs to be released. Encourage your child to participate in physical activity when pressures seem ready to explode. Possibly join your child in biking, swimming, running, or even gardening. Physical activity releases negative tension through positive action. It is also important to get plenty of rest and eat nutritionally balanced meals during periods of high stress. Be generous with hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection. Your child needs love and understanding more than ever during times of stress.
Stress is a response to change or conflict. It is usually considered to be negative and damaging. However, not all forms or levels of stress are bad. Competing in sports and achieving in school or at work are examples of positive stressors. Stress becomes negative when the pressures surrounding these and other situations become too great or when several small stressors occur at once, and one can no longer adjust. It is becoming evident that this type of stress overload is taking its toll on children as well as adults.
This publication explains how stress exists in your child's world from infancy through the teen years. You will learn how to recognize signs of stress and help your child express, understand, and manage pressure. Suggestions on preventing excessive stress for your child also are provided.
Children and Stress
How your child reacts to stress depends upon both your child and the source of stress. Many children have survived catastrophes without permanent emotional or psychological damage, while other children cannot easily adjust to less traumatic experiences. The personality of the child, as well as available support from family members, plays a major role in the child's ability to handle stressful situations.
Developmental or Normative Stress
Another important factor influencing your child's reaction to stress is the actual nature of the stressor--the situation or event that causes the stress. One category of stressors is called developmental or normative stress. Developmental stress accompanies the normal growing experiences of childhood. Some examples of this type of stressor are: dealing with strangers as an infant, being separated from parents, starting or changing schools, and adjusting to puberty. Most children deal with this form of stress quite successfully and become able to adapt to the changes that cause it by learning from the changes. Basic stress management methods that will be used throughout your child's life are developed during this growth process. Normative stress carries with it a low level of risk for your child's overall development.
Critical Stress
Other family and personal pressures can be more intense and critical to your child's well-being than normative stressors. This type is called critical stress. These stressors are events that do not occur in every child's life, but are common. Some examples include unusually high or low levels of stimulation, moving to a new home, or the child being hospitalized. These events create medium levels of risk to your child's development. Changes in your child's usual behavior and personality might be seen in response to critical stress. Although more serious and threatening than developmental stress, most children manage to overcome these critical pressures if family members and friends are sensitive and supportive.
Catastrophic Stress
Serious unexpected events often produce the most severe and catastrophic stress reactions in children. Some examples of this level of stress are: serious illnesses of the child or a family member, natural disasters, and abuse of the child. This level is associated with the highest risk for the child. The child experiencing such a crisis is often too overwhelmed to use basic resources for dealing with pressure and fear. A child suffering this level of stress has a great need for the understanding and support of family members, and may require more specialized care and counseling than parents are prepared or able to provide on their own.
Chart 1 outlines the three types of stress and gives examples of each for various age levels.
Recognizing Stress in Your Child
Stress is a physical tension of the mind and body which must be released for survival. Stress becomes a problem when pressure builds up to a point where the person can no longer adjust to changes in life. Releasing stress can be done in numerous ways which effect the child physically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Because children have individual personalities, they react and handle stress in their own, often unpredictable, ways. Seven-year old Kim reacts to attending a new school by bullying the other children. In a similar setting, eight-year-old Kathy becomes shy and withdrawn in the new classroom. One child may be deeply upset by a given event, while another may not give a second's notice to the same situation.
Recognizing stress reactions in children is not always easy. Even if you regularly discuss issues with your children, you may discover that they are slow to talk about problems which trouble them. Children think the world revolves around them; therefore, they sometimes feel they cause events. Often these events are not positive, and the children end up feeling misplaced guilt. Children may be scared or embarrassed to mention problems or negative feelings, especially if life at home is unsettled. You must not depend on words alone to signal when your child is upset. A child often will deny being troubled. Changes in behavior and personality are better signs of stress overload in children. A list of several common behaviors that can signal tension in children follows. Although they are arranged under specific age levels, most of these behaviors can be seen in children of any age. Most of them are normal characteristics of a child's development. However if the behaviors occur constantly, or if several of them persist over a long period of time, they may indicate a problem.
Understanding and Helping to Control Your Child's Stress
It is easy to ignore or laugh away children's worries and concerns when comparing them to adult problems. Adults may say, "Why are you worrying about making the basketball team? It's not THAT important. You should have my worries!" But landing a spot on the junior high basketball team may be just as important to your child as a job promotion is to you. Remember what it was like to be five, nine, or fifteen years old. Problems are just as real to children at that age as they are to you at your age.
At times it may seem that children live in separate worlds of play and fantasy. Do not be fooled into believing that your children are not aware of changes taking place. A divorcing parent may say, "My child is too young to realize what divorce is, or to understand why we're splitting. She doesn't need to be worried about such things. It's enough that I'm falling apart about the divorce." Your children will not be protected or spared from any stress by being uninformed about major family events or crises. Children are talented at seeing and hearing matters from which they are supposed to be shielded. Although children may recognize family events or crises and even be aware of global issues like the nuclear arms race, they do not have the same resources as adults for dealing with the resulting stress. There are several developmental reasons for this:
* Children do not have mature reasoning skills;
* They lack an accurate understanding of cause and effect; and
* They have not had the chance to become skilled at handling stress.
For example, a mother was telling a friend that she was going to traffic court to argue a parking ticket and would not be able to pick up her daughter from school that morning. When the daughter arrived at school, she burst into tears moaning that her mom was going to jail and she would never see her again. You may decide not to tell your children about the divorce, the up-coming hospital visit, or Grandma's death, but by piecing together a few words or a change in behavior, your children may create their own version of what has happened. Often their account can be far from realistic and much more dramatic than the actual situation. Spare your children added harm and stress. When a situation arises that will affect them in some way, discuss it with them honestly, simply, and at their level of understanding.
Preventing Stress Overload
Your child cannot be protected from stress totally. Yet, you can help your child prevent pressures from building to a dangerous level. It is difficult to foresee what situations may strongly affect your child. However, there are several life experiences for which any child can be prepared. Reading books and discussing issues with your child can help assist in preparing him or her for a new experience or change in life. Visits and other activities also can be helpful. What follows is a list of suggestions for helping to prepare your children for a variety of common childhood stressors.
Birth of a Sibling
When planning or expecting another child, prepare your other children for the new arrival before the birth. Share books about babies and allow your children to join in the preparations and possibly the delivery. Hospitals often have sibling preparation programs for children. Communicate that the baby will belong to the whole family, not just to Mom and Dad.
Starting School
Before your child starts school for the first time or changes schools, it is a good idea to visit the school while it is in session. Have your child meet the teacher. Practice walking to the school or riding the bus.
Moving to a New Home
If you are expecting to move to a new city or neighborhood, remember to consider what the area has to offer your child. Take car rides through the area before the actual move takes place, or obtain photos of the new home. Allow your child to grieve the loss of old friends and places. Letter writing after the move can be helpful.
Illness
Hospitalization or a visit to the emergency room can be quite disturbing to a child. Prepare your child to know what to expect. Check your community's hospital or talk with your physician about available hospital preparation programs and on-site visits if you expect a hospital stay.
Natural Disasters
Your child can be prepared for handling emergencies such as a fire, storm, or other disaster. Teach him or her basic safety and emergency rules. Many community agencies often hold first aid courses for children. Look into them for your child.
Divorce
If you and your spouse decide to divorce, do not leave your child uninformed. Children are aware of problems at home. While it may be difficult, a truthful discussion about the divorce will make things easier in the long run. Such discussion should lessen the chance of your child developing imagined fears or misplaced guilt.
Death
Your child can be prepared for the feelings of loss which go with death. Useful learning experiences for examining life and death issues can be gained from the death of a pet or even the life cycle of a plant. Let your child attend funeral services of distant relatives or friends with you. The death of someone not close to the family is likely to be less emotional for you and your child than the death of a close friend or family member. It provides a chance for you and your child to discuss the subject.
Helping Your Child Manage Stress
Some stress is a normal part of growing and living because your child's world--and your child--are constantly changing. Normal pressures and tension will naturally disappear as your child's reasoning and mental skills grow and experiences increase. This is especially true for the stress that accompanies developmental growth.
However, when stress reaches the crisis level in your child, help from family members, a teacher, the family doctor, or other professionals may be necessary. In most cases, though, you can help your child cope with pressures of childhood by using the following techniques:
Think of how you react to stress. Children learn from imitating the actions of parents and other adults. You may be surprised to discover that he or she reacts to pressures the same way you do. If you do not like what you see, a change may be in order for all.
Try to remember what it was like to be your child's age. View the situation on the child's level of understanding. Only by looking at the problem through your child's eyes can you grasp your child's feelings, reactions, and fears. Do not deny or make fun of your child for his or her worries. These worries are real to your child and need your attention.
Talk with your child about his or her concerns and problem behavior. Communication is a source of information, comfort, and security. Tension often reaches the boiling point when children feel like they are facing a source of stress alone. Knowing that their worries can be expressed helps relieve some of the pressure, as well as builds a more rewarding parent-child relationship.
Tell your child the truth about family matters and crises. Your child does not live in a bubble. If you do not provide honest and simple accounts of a stressful event, your child will probably create an even more alarming explanation. The goal is to lessen or prevent your child's stress. Explanations which are simple, accurate, and at the proper level of understanding are best.
Involve your child in decision-making and problem-solving processes when dealing with sources of stress. This will encourage your child's feelings of power and control. Sources of stress will be with your child throughout life, so by providing your child the necessary tools for handling stress now you will be helping him or her to cope with stress better later as well.
Select good children's books about stress and fears to read with your child. Books about hospitalization, starting school, death, divorce, a new brother or sister, and other life events are good sources of honest information. They can clear up misunderstandings and feelings for your child, as well as help you to discuss difficult topics. They can assure your child that there are others in the world with the same problem, and give suggestions on how to manage the situation. Recommended children's books about sources of stress are listed at the end of this publication.
Use art and puppets to help your child express feelings and concerns. Through the use of art materials, your child can express feelings and thoughts that might be considered negative and unacceptable. These thoughts and feelings then can be handled in an acceptable manner. Learning to express emotions through creative channels gives the child an outlet for built-up tension that can be used throughout life. Because young children are limited in verbal ability, strong feelings can be expressed through art experiences which involve psychomotor activity, such as clay for pounding, paper for tearing and cutting, and nails for hammering. Puppets and dolls provide opportunities to examine reality, rehearse solutions, express emotions, gain control over situations, and encourage discussion.
Provide physical outlets to vent built-up tension. The inner tension that is stored needs to be released. Encourage your child to participate in physical activity when pressures seem ready to explode. Possibly join your child in biking, swimming, running, or even gardening. Physical activity releases negative tension through positive action. It is also important to get plenty of rest and eat nutritionally balanced meals during periods of high stress. Be generous with hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection. Your child needs love and understanding more than ever during times of stress.
The benefit of grand parenting
Approximately 75 percent of Americans over the age of 65 have grandchildren. Most grandparents begin their grandparenting role during their middle age. The average age of becoming a grandparent is between 49 and 53 years; however, because of the increased teen pregnancy rate, more and more parents are becoming grandparents in their thirties.
Many grandparents are very busy, active people. Many are employed and often at the peak of their careers. They may be involved with the care of their parents as well as their own grandparents. They may also be going through many changes, including midlife stresses such as a career change, divorce, widowhood, remarriage, health problems, and/or depression.
How well the parent and grandparent interact has a great influence on whether the relationship with the grandchildren is close or distant. Grandparents who live near their grandchildren are
needed to contribute and help in the care of their grandchildren. Grandparents need to remember they should respect the parent’s way of doing things.
Benefits of Grandparenting
The benefits of being a grandparent include:
• Being involved in your children’s and grandchildren’s lives and their many achievements.
• Providing extended family support, encouragement, and/or companionship.
• Being a better grandparent than perhaps you were a parent, due to years of experience.
• Continuing the family line.
Benefits to Grandchildren
Grandchildren also receive important benefits from grandparenting, which may include:
• Developing positive attitudes toward aging.
• Learning about their families’ origins, culture, and customs or traditions.
• Developing life skills and leisure-time activities.
Being a “Good” Grandparent
Grandparents generally want to develop a “good” relationship with their grandchildren. Consider these suggestions in developing your style of grandparenting:
• Listen to your grandchildren. By tuning in to them, you may be able to tune out some of your
problems.
• Talk with your grandchildren. Keep these tips in mind:
✔ Get to the point and stick to it without rambling or repeating.
✔ Be prepared to talk about lively and interesting subjects.
✔ Avoid complaints. Stay away from such subjects as health or minor everyday gripes.
✔ Avoid concentrating on I, I, I, or me, me, me. Do NOT monopolize the conversation.
✔ Maintain eye contact to determine if the listener is really hearing what is said or is bored.
✔ Be enthusiastic and excited about what is being said.
• Remember you are the GRAND-parent. You do NOT have the right to take away a mother’s or a father’s right to do their own parenting.
• Discuss discipline with parents and discipline only when you are in charge. Strive for consistency between what is permitted by parents and grandparents.
• Express your feelings by laughing when you are happy and crying when you are sad.
• Babysit only when you want to, feel up to it, and are not being inconvenienced.
• Be aware of the example you are setting, because the grandchildren and your children will learn much about love from seeing and feeling it.
• Love your grandchildren for what they are, not for what you think they should be.
Have Fun with Your Grandchildren
Most grandparents pursue their roles out of a strong desire to have fun.
Take the time to be with your grandchildren and build a lasting wonderful relationship by spending time with them on holidays, developing hobbies, going on outings together, giving gifts, writing letters, and/or sending electronic mail.
Long Distance Grandparenting
Many grandparents do not live geographically close to their grandchildren.
To develop a special close relationship when you are miles apart, try some of these ideas:
• Exchanging books and music cassette tapes/compact disks.
• Mailing newspaper clippings, pictures, school newspapers, and artwork.
• Recording (audio and/or video) special events at school, church, or extracurricular activities.
Whether your contribution is large or small to your grandchildren, what you do is important. When a close relationship is formed, this attachment is often developed for life. This attachment comes with the experience of being loved and accepted, a sense of security and warmth, and the gift of a role model grandparent.
The benefits of being a grandparent are very similar to the following famous quote by Helen Keller:
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, or even touched; they must be felt with the heart.”
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Many grandparents are very busy, active people. Many are employed and often at the peak of their careers. They may be involved with the care of their parents as well as their own grandparents. They may also be going through many changes, including midlife stresses such as a career change, divorce, widowhood, remarriage, health problems, and/or depression.
How well the parent and grandparent interact has a great influence on whether the relationship with the grandchildren is close or distant. Grandparents who live near their grandchildren are
needed to contribute and help in the care of their grandchildren. Grandparents need to remember they should respect the parent’s way of doing things.
Benefits of Grandparenting
The benefits of being a grandparent include:
• Being involved in your children’s and grandchildren’s lives and their many achievements.
• Providing extended family support, encouragement, and/or companionship.
• Being a better grandparent than perhaps you were a parent, due to years of experience.
• Continuing the family line.
Benefits to Grandchildren
Grandchildren also receive important benefits from grandparenting, which may include:
• Developing positive attitudes toward aging.
• Learning about their families’ origins, culture, and customs or traditions.
• Developing life skills and leisure-time activities.
Being a “Good” Grandparent
Grandparents generally want to develop a “good” relationship with their grandchildren. Consider these suggestions in developing your style of grandparenting:
• Listen to your grandchildren. By tuning in to them, you may be able to tune out some of your
problems.
• Talk with your grandchildren. Keep these tips in mind:
✔ Get to the point and stick to it without rambling or repeating.
✔ Be prepared to talk about lively and interesting subjects.
✔ Avoid complaints. Stay away from such subjects as health or minor everyday gripes.
✔ Avoid concentrating on I, I, I, or me, me, me. Do NOT monopolize the conversation.
✔ Maintain eye contact to determine if the listener is really hearing what is said or is bored.
✔ Be enthusiastic and excited about what is being said.
• Remember you are the GRAND-parent. You do NOT have the right to take away a mother’s or a father’s right to do their own parenting.
• Discuss discipline with parents and discipline only when you are in charge. Strive for consistency between what is permitted by parents and grandparents.
• Express your feelings by laughing when you are happy and crying when you are sad.
• Babysit only when you want to, feel up to it, and are not being inconvenienced.
• Be aware of the example you are setting, because the grandchildren and your children will learn much about love from seeing and feeling it.
• Love your grandchildren for what they are, not for what you think they should be.
Have Fun with Your Grandchildren
Most grandparents pursue their roles out of a strong desire to have fun.
Take the time to be with your grandchildren and build a lasting wonderful relationship by spending time with them on holidays, developing hobbies, going on outings together, giving gifts, writing letters, and/or sending electronic mail.
Long Distance Grandparenting
Many grandparents do not live geographically close to their grandchildren.
To develop a special close relationship when you are miles apart, try some of these ideas:
• Exchanging books and music cassette tapes/compact disks.
• Mailing newspaper clippings, pictures, school newspapers, and artwork.
• Recording (audio and/or video) special events at school, church, or extracurricular activities.
Whether your contribution is large or small to your grandchildren, what you do is important. When a close relationship is formed, this attachment is often developed for life. This attachment comes with the experience of being loved and accepted, a sense of security and warmth, and the gift of a role model grandparent.
The benefits of being a grandparent are very similar to the following famous quote by Helen Keller:
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, or even touched; they must be felt with the heart.”
Click Here!
Care for the Caregiver
Those people who have accepted the role of caregiver spend anywhere from 6 to 13 hours a week or more, taking care of a loved one. Each and every caregiving role is different—no two care recipients require the same care. There may be similarities in physical, mental, and emotional needs, but each person is unique. One thing that caregivers have agreed upon is that there is gratification in meeting the needs of a vulnerable loved one. There is also the “piece-of-mind” in knowing that by being a caregiver you are doing all that you can for the person, perhaps even being able to capture the closeness and tenderness that may not have been there when you needed it earlier in life.
Although it may sound simple and very rewarding, caregiving can definitely put a strain on you and your family. In order to continue caring for yourself, keep your piece-of-mind, the positives highlighted, and take care of yourself. Some ideas to help a caregiver keep the situation in perspective are:
■ Think carefully before taking action. Never react to negative attitudes with physical force.
■ Take a walk to cool down.
■ Take a hot bubble bath to help soothe tensions.
■ Listen to soft, familiar music to relax.
■ Exercise or do some form of physical activity.
■ Meditate to control emotions by deliberately slowing down movements, controlling breathing, and thinking of beautiful things.
■ Ask for hugs and kisses.
■ Talk to someone who can be objective and help you put the situation into perspective.
■ Participate in a support group or some other activity outside of the home.
■ Involve other family members, if possible, in the caregiving role. Delegate some of the responsibilities. As a concerned friend or family member of the caregiver, some things you might offer to do to help ease the stress and strain are:
■ Ask how the caregiver is doing? How are they coping? Be sincere in your efforts and be willing to listen to their response.
■ Be understanding and compassionate. Don’t try to give advice or fix their lives. You are a friend.
■ Get to know them better. Share their feelings. Be genuine.
■ Give the caregiver opportunities for leisure time. Stay and watch the care recipient while others go to dinner or a movie.
■ Help the caregiver get away from their everyday responsibilities.
■ Provide opportunities for play. Call up the caregiver and invite them to go for a walk.
■ Help keep humor in the lives of the caregiver and receiver. Many caregivers find themselves longing for companionship with others who are going through the same situation. Support groups can be very beneficial to many people. It is a way to receive emotional and social support from others. It is also a way to improve general wellness and personal strength.
Relieve personal stress and strain by seeking help from family, friends, or a support group. This will benefit both the caregiver and the older dependent family member in the future. Asking for support or help doesn’t imply weakness. Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed so others remember that the caregiver is only human and needs a break. Trying to juggle caregiving, work, and family is a large amount of responsibility. Allow others to help.
If you have a friend or family member who is currently in the role of caregiving, take this opportunity to give them a break from the stress and strains often found when providing care.
Although it may sound simple and very rewarding, caregiving can definitely put a strain on you and your family. In order to continue caring for yourself, keep your piece-of-mind, the positives highlighted, and take care of yourself. Some ideas to help a caregiver keep the situation in perspective are:
■ Think carefully before taking action. Never react to negative attitudes with physical force.
■ Take a walk to cool down.
■ Take a hot bubble bath to help soothe tensions.
■ Listen to soft, familiar music to relax.
■ Exercise or do some form of physical activity.
■ Meditate to control emotions by deliberately slowing down movements, controlling breathing, and thinking of beautiful things.
■ Ask for hugs and kisses.
■ Talk to someone who can be objective and help you put the situation into perspective.
■ Participate in a support group or some other activity outside of the home.
■ Involve other family members, if possible, in the caregiving role. Delegate some of the responsibilities. As a concerned friend or family member of the caregiver, some things you might offer to do to help ease the stress and strain are:
■ Ask how the caregiver is doing? How are they coping? Be sincere in your efforts and be willing to listen to their response.
■ Be understanding and compassionate. Don’t try to give advice or fix their lives. You are a friend.
■ Get to know them better. Share their feelings. Be genuine.
■ Give the caregiver opportunities for leisure time. Stay and watch the care recipient while others go to dinner or a movie.
■ Help the caregiver get away from their everyday responsibilities.
■ Provide opportunities for play. Call up the caregiver and invite them to go for a walk.
■ Help keep humor in the lives of the caregiver and receiver. Many caregivers find themselves longing for companionship with others who are going through the same situation. Support groups can be very beneficial to many people. It is a way to receive emotional and social support from others. It is also a way to improve general wellness and personal strength.
Relieve personal stress and strain by seeking help from family, friends, or a support group. This will benefit both the caregiver and the older dependent family member in the future. Asking for support or help doesn’t imply weakness. Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed so others remember that the caregiver is only human and needs a break. Trying to juggle caregiving, work, and family is a large amount of responsibility. Allow others to help.
If you have a friend or family member who is currently in the role of caregiving, take this opportunity to give them a break from the stress and strains often found when providing care.
Father's Care--Involvement, influence and affection: three keys to father-child relationships
Though they may sometimes find it difficult to express their feelings, most fathers care about their children and families. In a 1980 Gallup poll, six out of ten fathers said their families were "the most important element of my life at this time." Only 8 percent said their families were unimportant to them. When asked what they found most satisfying about their families, fathers rated "children," "closeness," and "being together" as personally important.
This hearty endorsement of family life contradicts some of the traditional roles or popular images of fathers in our society:
The Wallet: This father is preoccupied with providing financial support for his family. He may work long hours to bring home his paycheck and does not take an active part in caring for the children. Making money provides this father with a distraction from family involvement.
The Rock. This is a "tough" father--strict on discipline and in charge of the family. He may also believe that a good father remains emotionally distant from his children, so expressions of affection are taboo.
The Dagwood Bumstead: This father tries to be a "real pal" to his children, but his efforts are often clumsy or extreme. He doesn't understand his children and feels confused about what to do. He may also feel that he is not respected within the family. These traditional stereotypes are now clashing with another image of a father:
The Caregiver: This father tries to combine toughness with tenderness. He enjoys his children but is not afraid to set firm but fair limits. He and his wife may cooperate in childrearing and homemaking. This type of father has always been around. But the number of men who choose this role is increasing. Many fathers today recognize that family life can be rewarding and that their children need their involvement. This shift in roles is influenced by two major social changes: the increase in the number of women working and the rising divorce rate. As more and more mothers join the work force, fathers are being asked to take on more responsibilities at home. In 1979, 40 percent of the mothers of children under age 3 were employed.2 Instead of remaining on the fringe of family life, many fathers are helping more with child care and housekeeping.
Fathers are also profoundly influenced by the escalating divorce rate. For every two marriages there is now one divorce-a tripling of the divorce rate between 1960 and 1980. If they are not directly involved in a divorce, most men have friends who are. They witness the loss their friends have experienced and reexamine the importance of their own family relationships. Remarriage and step-fathering are also creating new challenges for many fathers. Because of these changes in our society, many men are being forced to develop family relationships that are quite different from those they had with their own fathers. They cannot easily fall back on their own childhood experiences for guidance. What worked very well for their fathers 20 or 30 years ago may not work at all with the kinds of challenges fathers face today.
These changes in social attitudes mean that men have more options for meeting their obligations as fathers and husbands. Some men will express their feelings more openly, while others will be more reserved; some will enjoy the companionship and play of very young children while others will prefer involvement with older sons and daughters. Fathers do not have to try to fit a certain stereotyped pattern.
According to sociologist Lewis Yablonsky, a man's fathering style is influenced by some or all of the following forces: his enthusiasm for being a father, his own father's behavior, the images of how to be a father projected by the mass media, his occupation, his temperament, the way family members relate to each other, and the number of children he has.4 No single style of fathering or mothering, no matter how ideal it appears, is right for everyone. Regardless of their personal style, most fathers are interested in having a satisfying relationship with their children.
Although they might not be able to put it into words, most fathers know they are important to their children. According to psychotherapist Will Schutz, a good relationship needs three things: involvement, respect and influence, and affection.
Involvement: The Foundation of a Relationship
The first step in any relationship is the feeling by both persons that the other is interested in them and wants to be with them. Many fathers begin to prepare for this kind of relationship before their child is even born. A father who seeks involvement is interested in his wife's pregnancy and makes preparations for the child's birth. When the child is born he is eager to hold the infant. In countless small ways this father demonstrates involvement--he may gently touch and play with his children, hold and talk to them. By doing these things he sends a clear and emphatic message:
I want to be your father. I am interested in you. I enjoy being with you. You and I have a relationship that is important to me.
Every child wants to sense this type of involvement from his or her father and mother. Without it, a child feels isolated and rejected. The foundation of the relationship crumbles.
What the Research Shows?
Research on father-child involvement demonstrates that:
(1)Fathers are significant for children;
(2)Fathers are sensitive to children;
(3)Fathers play with children differently than mothers do.
Fathers are significant. One researcher, Michael Lamb of the University of Michigan, found that 7-to 13-month-old children reacted equally to separations from both parents. When their fathers left, the children would cry and complain just as much as when their mothers left.
Other studies found that children can recognize pictures of their fathers at a very early age. By 15 months of age, about 25 percent of the children responded with "daddy" when they were shown his picture and by 18 months all children identified the pictures correctly. A much smaller percentage could use "mommy" as a reference to their mothers' pictures. The researchers thought the children learned to use the word "daddy" correctly because mothers talked more frequently about "daddy" than about themselves. Mothers helped to make fathers significant.
Fathers are sensitive. Fathers are as sensitive to their infants as are mothers. Research shows that fathers will make adjustments in their conversations with young children by slowing their rate of speech, using shorter phrases, and repeating words and phrases when talking to newborn infants. Fathers also demonstrate sensitivity to their infants' distress during feeding by stopping, looking more closely, and talking quietly to soothe their discomfort. Fathers can also discriminate between different types of infant crying patterns--those that express hunger, pain, or anger. In a number of studies, fathers demonstrated a sensitivity like that of mothers. The idea that mothers are inherently more responsive than fathers and more competent in child care is a myth.
Fathers' play is different. Studies have shown that fathers and mothers generally play differently with their young children. Fathers tend to be more physical and arousing in their play (especially with sons) while mothers are more verbal and tend to emphasize traditional play and games. With infants, for example, mothers are likely to speak softly, repeat words and imitate infant sounds. In contrast, fathers are more likely to be tactile and physical as they move the infant's hands and feet and touch with a rhythmic pattern. Fathers' play reveals an underlying expectation of a playful response from their babies.
These differences in play continue as the child grows older. Fathers may vigorously bounce and lift a 1- or 2-year-old in rough and tumble physical play; mothers may prefer to play conventional games like "peek-a-boo," offer an interesting toy, or read. Fathers' play appears to be more physically stimulating while mothers are more interested in teaching.
As a result, children seem to prefer fathers as play partners though in a stressful situation they may be more likely to turn to their mothers. This preference could be due to fathers spending a greater proportion of their time playing with their children than mothers. One researcher noted that about 40 percent of a father's time with his young children was spent in play in contrast to about 25 percent of the mother's time. Even though fathers may spend less total time in play than mothers, their type of play and their apparent interest in that type of involvement make them attractive play partners.
There are, of course, exceptions to this pattern. Some men simply do not enjoy playing with children, and some mothers may prefer an arousing, physical form of child play. Also, when both parents work, the additional demands on the family could affect the amount of time one or both parents spend enjoying their children.
Suggestions for Fathers: How can fathers become more involved with their children?
First, they can give each of their children exclusive attention as often as possible. During their time together fathers could enjoy their children's company without allowing outside distractions to interfere. As a result, their children would feel noticed and special. There is no single formula for how this might be accomplished. A father and child might play, talk, learn a skill or read together.
What is important is that they notice each other and acknowledge a common interest. This type of undistracted attention promotes a sense that each is important to the other
Fathers might also give their children a glimpse of their work world. Children want to know what life is like outside the home and what their parents do at work. Many farm families and small businesses include their children in the operation at an early age. Parents in other occupations may find it more difficult to give their children a glimpse of their work, but even brief visits or tours will help. Business and industry are gradually beginning to acknowledge that many workers are parents too, and that adjustment in this role can have a positive effect on work performance. Some industries provide day care centers for children of their employees. Both mothers and fathers are able to visit their children during breaks.
Influence: Building the Relationship: Once involvement is established in a relationship, influence is the next step. Each person wants to feel that what he or she says or wants is important to the other. Each wants to be listened to and included in discussions and decisions. This sense of personal power promotes feelings of self-worth and respect for the other person.
Influence is an important issue in parent-child relationships. Fathers as well as mothers want their children to listen to them and to obey their limits. Occasionally parents have to exert control over their children's behavior. They may allow no debate over whether a child can stick gum on furniture, play with matches, or sit on the car while someone is underneath changing the oil. While parents have to be reasonably firm at times, there are occasions when they might yield to their children's wishes and grant permission for safe, enjoyable activities. Giving children privacy, letting them choose their own clothes, and allowing them to make their own purchases with their allowances are examples of giving influence to children.
When they show respect for their children's wishes but also set and maintain reasonable limits, parents send another clear and emphatic message: I care enough about you to provide you with the guidance you must have to grow up to be a happy and responsible person. I will use my strength to protect and nurture you. But I am also interested in what you think is important for yourself. I will gradually let you make more and more decisions on your own so that by the time you reach adulthood, you will be able to care fully for yourself. I respect you and I know I am worthy of your respect.
Children want their parents to be strong. They need to feel protected from a sometimes threatening world and from their own immaturity and loss of control. But they do not want to be overwhelmed by their parents' dominance. For their own self-respect, children need a measure of personal influence.
What the Research Shows: Research on father-child influence demonstrates that:
(1) Children typically have viewed fathers as more rigid, threatening, and demanding than mothers.
(2) Fathers usually are stricter than mothers and more likely to punish children, but mothers may use a wider variety of punishments.
(3)Mothers who take authority in decision-making in the home seem to have a marked effect on boys, lowering their sons' tendency to imitate their fathers and thus their masculine orientation. Father-dominance, on the other hand, does not lower the femininity of girls.
(4)Fathers' involvement in setting limits and making decisions increases their influence in the family, especially with their sons.
(5)Moral judgment is at a low level in boys and girls who view their father's control as overly dominant.
(6)Children may experience personal problems and difficulty in school if they are frequently dominated and punished by their fathers.
(7)Delinquent boys are likely to have fathers who are controlling, rigid, and prone to alcoholism. These fathers may use physical punishment as a form of discipline and they tend to be inconsistent and erratic in their childrearing techniques.
Suggestions for Fathers: Children both admire and fear their father's strength. On one hand they want their father to be strong and powerful (in the sense of being self-confident and determined) but they may also be frightened at times by that power. Walking the middle ground between dominance and permissiveness can sometimes be difficult for a father. How can fathers establish a sense of influence?
First, they can establish and maintain reasonable limits for their children.
Children respect parents who provide firm but gentle guidance. But they also benefit from parents who gradually allow them to make decisions on their own. Fathers could also be responsive to their children's interests. Instead of always telling them what to do, fathers could listen and be responsive to their children's suggestions whenever possible. When shopping, for example, a father might let his 5-year-old choose one or two stores to visit. Similarly, a father might ask his son or daughter to suggest a game to play or a movie to see. There are times, though, when children do not have these kinds of choices. Parents often have to have the final word. The goal might be to achieve an appropriate balance of influence in the relationship.
Affection: The Relationship Deepens
When people feel accepted and respected in a relationship, they will begin to develop close feelings of mutual affection. Parents who are never involved with their children and are either too permissive or too dominant are not likely to become close to their children. Fathers who expect to be constantly vigilant disciplinarians who show no tenderness create a climate of coldness that puts distance in their relationships. Sometimes the effect can be painful.
Following a presentation to a community group, the speaker was approached by a man who wanted to ask a question about his adult son. He said that he and his boy had never been close. He was, in his words, the typical busy father who disciplined his kids but didn't show them much affection. Not long ago he suffered a heart attack and was not expected to live. When his son visited him in the hospital room they experienced a moment of intimacy that the father found deeply rewarding. For the first time in their lives both men expressed their love for each other. The words, "I love you, Dad" meant a great deal to this very sick father. Following his recovery, however, he realized he was gradually slipping back into his old patterns of coldness and isolation.
"How can we tell each other about our good feelings?" he asked. The threat of death made this man more aware of the emptiness that existed between him and his son. He was struggling with the idea that although change would be difficult there was hope if he was willing to take risks and make the effort. By expressing affection through words and deeds, parents send another clear and emphatic message to their children:
I want to be close to you; I love you. You are special to me. I am willing to share myself so you can get to know me better. You give me joy. In our closest relationships we seek these bonds of affection. Talking about these feelings has traditionally been easier for women than for men, but, like the father in the previous example, men are beginning to acknowledge the importance of intimacy and affection. They also are more willing to express the softer, gentler side of themselves.
What the Research Shows
Research on father-child affection demonstrates that:
(1)Generosity in preschool boys was more likely when they viewed their fathers as nurturant, affectionate, and comforting.
(2)Altruism in children grades 3 to 6 was more likely when their fathers participated in caring for them during infancy.
(3)Loving fathers who provide reasonable, firm guidance without arbitrarily imposing their will promote competence in their children. Unloving, punitive, authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent, withdrawn, anxious and dejected children.
(4)Warm, accepting fathers tend to have children with high self-esteem. Alienated adolescents view their parents as hostile and non-accepting.
(5)Warm, affectionate fathers influence the development of their children's sex-role behavior; they also have a positive influence on achievement and peer popularity in boys and personal adjustment in girls.
(6)Adolescent daughters recalled less affection and support from their fathers than the fathers recalled expressing. Daughters wished they had received, and fathers wished they had given, more affection and support.
(7)Adolescent boys who thought they were similar to their fathers were likely to be popular with their peers.
(8)Adolescent boys were more likely to be similar to their fathers when the fathers were perceived as rewarding, gratifying, and understanding. These same boys usually scored high on the masculinity scale of the questionnaire.
(9)Mothers are more interested in the nursing and care of newborns when fathers are emotionally supportive.
Suggestions for Fathers: A parent-child relationship might be compared to a bank account. Every negative act--a frown, a slap, a "no" or "I'm busy"--is like a withdrawal from the account. In contrast, affectionate, caring actions are like deposits in the relationship account. If the withdrawals exceed the deposits, the relationship breaks down into mutual distrust and isolation it becomes bankrupt. Fathers who have to make a large number of withdrawals can do so if their deposits of warmth, support and nurturance are high enough. Fathers can be both tough when necessary and tender when needed.
Tenderness can be difficult for some fathers because of its association with sexuality. One expectant father was concerned that he could have difficulty expressing affection if he had a son. He thought he might feel uncomfortable kissing and hugging a little boy. As it turned out, a son was born and he and his father are affectionate and close. The new father felt no hesitancy about expressing his feelings. Some fathers may become uncomfortable with expressing affection to adolescent daughters. This unfortunate association of affection with sexuality can deprive people of the closeness they deeply need in their relationships.
There are many ways in which men can express their affection for their children. Some may feel comfortable talking with their children. Others may let their actions reveal their feelings. Some expressions, like hugging, are obvious while others, like quiet self-sacrifice, are more subtle. There is a danger in letting our actions speak for themselves: subtle forms of affection can easily be overlooked or misinterpreted. Words can enrich what we do by making our actions more easily understood by others. Children sometimes need to hear their father say "I love you" to fully appreciate what he does for them.
On the other hand, words not backed by action may sound hollow and false. Every father will develop his own style of showing affection in his relationships with others in his family. Few events will change a man s life as much as becoming a father. Being a father can be both frightening and frustrating. For many fathers, nothing makes them more angry than a defiant, stubborn child. Being entrusted with the responsibility for the care of another person can be an awesome task. But the opposite can also be true. Nothing may give a father more pleasure than to see his children gradually grow into adulthood, to have his affection returned in good measure and to have his deepest feelings of self-worth confirmed. Regardless of the mask they sometimes wear, whether it be one of casual aloofness or macho toughness, fathers' feelings for and about their children run deep. Fathers care.
This hearty endorsement of family life contradicts some of the traditional roles or popular images of fathers in our society:
The Wallet: This father is preoccupied with providing financial support for his family. He may work long hours to bring home his paycheck and does not take an active part in caring for the children. Making money provides this father with a distraction from family involvement.
The Rock. This is a "tough" father--strict on discipline and in charge of the family. He may also believe that a good father remains emotionally distant from his children, so expressions of affection are taboo.
The Dagwood Bumstead: This father tries to be a "real pal" to his children, but his efforts are often clumsy or extreme. He doesn't understand his children and feels confused about what to do. He may also feel that he is not respected within the family. These traditional stereotypes are now clashing with another image of a father:
The Caregiver: This father tries to combine toughness with tenderness. He enjoys his children but is not afraid to set firm but fair limits. He and his wife may cooperate in childrearing and homemaking. This type of father has always been around. But the number of men who choose this role is increasing. Many fathers today recognize that family life can be rewarding and that their children need their involvement. This shift in roles is influenced by two major social changes: the increase in the number of women working and the rising divorce rate. As more and more mothers join the work force, fathers are being asked to take on more responsibilities at home. In 1979, 40 percent of the mothers of children under age 3 were employed.2 Instead of remaining on the fringe of family life, many fathers are helping more with child care and housekeeping.
Fathers are also profoundly influenced by the escalating divorce rate. For every two marriages there is now one divorce-a tripling of the divorce rate between 1960 and 1980. If they are not directly involved in a divorce, most men have friends who are. They witness the loss their friends have experienced and reexamine the importance of their own family relationships. Remarriage and step-fathering are also creating new challenges for many fathers. Because of these changes in our society, many men are being forced to develop family relationships that are quite different from those they had with their own fathers. They cannot easily fall back on their own childhood experiences for guidance. What worked very well for their fathers 20 or 30 years ago may not work at all with the kinds of challenges fathers face today.
These changes in social attitudes mean that men have more options for meeting their obligations as fathers and husbands. Some men will express their feelings more openly, while others will be more reserved; some will enjoy the companionship and play of very young children while others will prefer involvement with older sons and daughters. Fathers do not have to try to fit a certain stereotyped pattern.
According to sociologist Lewis Yablonsky, a man's fathering style is influenced by some or all of the following forces: his enthusiasm for being a father, his own father's behavior, the images of how to be a father projected by the mass media, his occupation, his temperament, the way family members relate to each other, and the number of children he has.4 No single style of fathering or mothering, no matter how ideal it appears, is right for everyone. Regardless of their personal style, most fathers are interested in having a satisfying relationship with their children.
Although they might not be able to put it into words, most fathers know they are important to their children. According to psychotherapist Will Schutz, a good relationship needs three things: involvement, respect and influence, and affection.
Involvement: The Foundation of a Relationship
The first step in any relationship is the feeling by both persons that the other is interested in them and wants to be with them. Many fathers begin to prepare for this kind of relationship before their child is even born. A father who seeks involvement is interested in his wife's pregnancy and makes preparations for the child's birth. When the child is born he is eager to hold the infant. In countless small ways this father demonstrates involvement--he may gently touch and play with his children, hold and talk to them. By doing these things he sends a clear and emphatic message:
I want to be your father. I am interested in you. I enjoy being with you. You and I have a relationship that is important to me.
Every child wants to sense this type of involvement from his or her father and mother. Without it, a child feels isolated and rejected. The foundation of the relationship crumbles.
What the Research Shows?
Research on father-child involvement demonstrates that:
(1)Fathers are significant for children;
(2)Fathers are sensitive to children;
(3)Fathers play with children differently than mothers do.
Fathers are significant. One researcher, Michael Lamb of the University of Michigan, found that 7-to 13-month-old children reacted equally to separations from both parents. When their fathers left, the children would cry and complain just as much as when their mothers left.
Other studies found that children can recognize pictures of their fathers at a very early age. By 15 months of age, about 25 percent of the children responded with "daddy" when they were shown his picture and by 18 months all children identified the pictures correctly. A much smaller percentage could use "mommy" as a reference to their mothers' pictures. The researchers thought the children learned to use the word "daddy" correctly because mothers talked more frequently about "daddy" than about themselves. Mothers helped to make fathers significant.
Fathers are sensitive. Fathers are as sensitive to their infants as are mothers. Research shows that fathers will make adjustments in their conversations with young children by slowing their rate of speech, using shorter phrases, and repeating words and phrases when talking to newborn infants. Fathers also demonstrate sensitivity to their infants' distress during feeding by stopping, looking more closely, and talking quietly to soothe their discomfort. Fathers can also discriminate between different types of infant crying patterns--those that express hunger, pain, or anger. In a number of studies, fathers demonstrated a sensitivity like that of mothers. The idea that mothers are inherently more responsive than fathers and more competent in child care is a myth.
Fathers' play is different. Studies have shown that fathers and mothers generally play differently with their young children. Fathers tend to be more physical and arousing in their play (especially with sons) while mothers are more verbal and tend to emphasize traditional play and games. With infants, for example, mothers are likely to speak softly, repeat words and imitate infant sounds. In contrast, fathers are more likely to be tactile and physical as they move the infant's hands and feet and touch with a rhythmic pattern. Fathers' play reveals an underlying expectation of a playful response from their babies.
These differences in play continue as the child grows older. Fathers may vigorously bounce and lift a 1- or 2-year-old in rough and tumble physical play; mothers may prefer to play conventional games like "peek-a-boo," offer an interesting toy, or read. Fathers' play appears to be more physically stimulating while mothers are more interested in teaching.
As a result, children seem to prefer fathers as play partners though in a stressful situation they may be more likely to turn to their mothers. This preference could be due to fathers spending a greater proportion of their time playing with their children than mothers. One researcher noted that about 40 percent of a father's time with his young children was spent in play in contrast to about 25 percent of the mother's time. Even though fathers may spend less total time in play than mothers, their type of play and their apparent interest in that type of involvement make them attractive play partners.
There are, of course, exceptions to this pattern. Some men simply do not enjoy playing with children, and some mothers may prefer an arousing, physical form of child play. Also, when both parents work, the additional demands on the family could affect the amount of time one or both parents spend enjoying their children.
Suggestions for Fathers: How can fathers become more involved with their children?
First, they can give each of their children exclusive attention as often as possible. During their time together fathers could enjoy their children's company without allowing outside distractions to interfere. As a result, their children would feel noticed and special. There is no single formula for how this might be accomplished. A father and child might play, talk, learn a skill or read together.
What is important is that they notice each other and acknowledge a common interest. This type of undistracted attention promotes a sense that each is important to the other
Fathers might also give their children a glimpse of their work world. Children want to know what life is like outside the home and what their parents do at work. Many farm families and small businesses include their children in the operation at an early age. Parents in other occupations may find it more difficult to give their children a glimpse of their work, but even brief visits or tours will help. Business and industry are gradually beginning to acknowledge that many workers are parents too, and that adjustment in this role can have a positive effect on work performance. Some industries provide day care centers for children of their employees. Both mothers and fathers are able to visit their children during breaks.
Influence: Building the Relationship: Once involvement is established in a relationship, influence is the next step. Each person wants to feel that what he or she says or wants is important to the other. Each wants to be listened to and included in discussions and decisions. This sense of personal power promotes feelings of self-worth and respect for the other person.
Influence is an important issue in parent-child relationships. Fathers as well as mothers want their children to listen to them and to obey their limits. Occasionally parents have to exert control over their children's behavior. They may allow no debate over whether a child can stick gum on furniture, play with matches, or sit on the car while someone is underneath changing the oil. While parents have to be reasonably firm at times, there are occasions when they might yield to their children's wishes and grant permission for safe, enjoyable activities. Giving children privacy, letting them choose their own clothes, and allowing them to make their own purchases with their allowances are examples of giving influence to children.
When they show respect for their children's wishes but also set and maintain reasonable limits, parents send another clear and emphatic message: I care enough about you to provide you with the guidance you must have to grow up to be a happy and responsible person. I will use my strength to protect and nurture you. But I am also interested in what you think is important for yourself. I will gradually let you make more and more decisions on your own so that by the time you reach adulthood, you will be able to care fully for yourself. I respect you and I know I am worthy of your respect.
Children want their parents to be strong. They need to feel protected from a sometimes threatening world and from their own immaturity and loss of control. But they do not want to be overwhelmed by their parents' dominance. For their own self-respect, children need a measure of personal influence.
What the Research Shows: Research on father-child influence demonstrates that:
(1) Children typically have viewed fathers as more rigid, threatening, and demanding than mothers.
(2) Fathers usually are stricter than mothers and more likely to punish children, but mothers may use a wider variety of punishments.
(3)Mothers who take authority in decision-making in the home seem to have a marked effect on boys, lowering their sons' tendency to imitate their fathers and thus their masculine orientation. Father-dominance, on the other hand, does not lower the femininity of girls.
(4)Fathers' involvement in setting limits and making decisions increases their influence in the family, especially with their sons.
(5)Moral judgment is at a low level in boys and girls who view their father's control as overly dominant.
(6)Children may experience personal problems and difficulty in school if they are frequently dominated and punished by their fathers.
(7)Delinquent boys are likely to have fathers who are controlling, rigid, and prone to alcoholism. These fathers may use physical punishment as a form of discipline and they tend to be inconsistent and erratic in their childrearing techniques.
Suggestions for Fathers: Children both admire and fear their father's strength. On one hand they want their father to be strong and powerful (in the sense of being self-confident and determined) but they may also be frightened at times by that power. Walking the middle ground between dominance and permissiveness can sometimes be difficult for a father. How can fathers establish a sense of influence?
First, they can establish and maintain reasonable limits for their children.
Children respect parents who provide firm but gentle guidance. But they also benefit from parents who gradually allow them to make decisions on their own. Fathers could also be responsive to their children's interests. Instead of always telling them what to do, fathers could listen and be responsive to their children's suggestions whenever possible. When shopping, for example, a father might let his 5-year-old choose one or two stores to visit. Similarly, a father might ask his son or daughter to suggest a game to play or a movie to see. There are times, though, when children do not have these kinds of choices. Parents often have to have the final word. The goal might be to achieve an appropriate balance of influence in the relationship.
Affection: The Relationship Deepens
When people feel accepted and respected in a relationship, they will begin to develop close feelings of mutual affection. Parents who are never involved with their children and are either too permissive or too dominant are not likely to become close to their children. Fathers who expect to be constantly vigilant disciplinarians who show no tenderness create a climate of coldness that puts distance in their relationships. Sometimes the effect can be painful.
Following a presentation to a community group, the speaker was approached by a man who wanted to ask a question about his adult son. He said that he and his boy had never been close. He was, in his words, the typical busy father who disciplined his kids but didn't show them much affection. Not long ago he suffered a heart attack and was not expected to live. When his son visited him in the hospital room they experienced a moment of intimacy that the father found deeply rewarding. For the first time in their lives both men expressed their love for each other. The words, "I love you, Dad" meant a great deal to this very sick father. Following his recovery, however, he realized he was gradually slipping back into his old patterns of coldness and isolation.
"How can we tell each other about our good feelings?" he asked. The threat of death made this man more aware of the emptiness that existed between him and his son. He was struggling with the idea that although change would be difficult there was hope if he was willing to take risks and make the effort. By expressing affection through words and deeds, parents send another clear and emphatic message to their children:
I want to be close to you; I love you. You are special to me. I am willing to share myself so you can get to know me better. You give me joy. In our closest relationships we seek these bonds of affection. Talking about these feelings has traditionally been easier for women than for men, but, like the father in the previous example, men are beginning to acknowledge the importance of intimacy and affection. They also are more willing to express the softer, gentler side of themselves.
What the Research Shows
Research on father-child affection demonstrates that:
(1)Generosity in preschool boys was more likely when they viewed their fathers as nurturant, affectionate, and comforting.
(2)Altruism in children grades 3 to 6 was more likely when their fathers participated in caring for them during infancy.
(3)Loving fathers who provide reasonable, firm guidance without arbitrarily imposing their will promote competence in their children. Unloving, punitive, authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent, withdrawn, anxious and dejected children.
(4)Warm, accepting fathers tend to have children with high self-esteem. Alienated adolescents view their parents as hostile and non-accepting.
(5)Warm, affectionate fathers influence the development of their children's sex-role behavior; they also have a positive influence on achievement and peer popularity in boys and personal adjustment in girls.
(6)Adolescent daughters recalled less affection and support from their fathers than the fathers recalled expressing. Daughters wished they had received, and fathers wished they had given, more affection and support.
(7)Adolescent boys who thought they were similar to their fathers were likely to be popular with their peers.
(8)Adolescent boys were more likely to be similar to their fathers when the fathers were perceived as rewarding, gratifying, and understanding. These same boys usually scored high on the masculinity scale of the questionnaire.
(9)Mothers are more interested in the nursing and care of newborns when fathers are emotionally supportive.
Suggestions for Fathers: A parent-child relationship might be compared to a bank account. Every negative act--a frown, a slap, a "no" or "I'm busy"--is like a withdrawal from the account. In contrast, affectionate, caring actions are like deposits in the relationship account. If the withdrawals exceed the deposits, the relationship breaks down into mutual distrust and isolation it becomes bankrupt. Fathers who have to make a large number of withdrawals can do so if their deposits of warmth, support and nurturance are high enough. Fathers can be both tough when necessary and tender when needed.
Tenderness can be difficult for some fathers because of its association with sexuality. One expectant father was concerned that he could have difficulty expressing affection if he had a son. He thought he might feel uncomfortable kissing and hugging a little boy. As it turned out, a son was born and he and his father are affectionate and close. The new father felt no hesitancy about expressing his feelings. Some fathers may become uncomfortable with expressing affection to adolescent daughters. This unfortunate association of affection with sexuality can deprive people of the closeness they deeply need in their relationships.
There are many ways in which men can express their affection for their children. Some may feel comfortable talking with their children. Others may let their actions reveal their feelings. Some expressions, like hugging, are obvious while others, like quiet self-sacrifice, are more subtle. There is a danger in letting our actions speak for themselves: subtle forms of affection can easily be overlooked or misinterpreted. Words can enrich what we do by making our actions more easily understood by others. Children sometimes need to hear their father say "I love you" to fully appreciate what he does for them.
On the other hand, words not backed by action may sound hollow and false. Every father will develop his own style of showing affection in his relationships with others in his family. Few events will change a man s life as much as becoming a father. Being a father can be both frightening and frustrating. For many fathers, nothing makes them more angry than a defiant, stubborn child. Being entrusted with the responsibility for the care of another person can be an awesome task. But the opposite can also be true. Nothing may give a father more pleasure than to see his children gradually grow into adulthood, to have his affection returned in good measure and to have his deepest feelings of self-worth confirmed. Regardless of the mask they sometimes wear, whether it be one of casual aloofness or macho toughness, fathers' feelings for and about their children run deep. Fathers care.
Encouraging Positive Self-Concepts in Children
Have you ever wondered why two children can respond so differently to the same situation? Why does one student feel good about a test score and another feel discouraged about a test score that is exactly the same? What makes one boy able to respond positively to a reasonable explanation for not getting a date
while another boy almost crumbles at what he thinks is rejection? You may already be aware of the answer to these questions. All of us may be familiar with this personal characteristic but not realize the important role that it plays in our lives. It influences how we like ourselves, how we deal with others, and even the goals we set for ourselves in life. What is this thing that can have such a great impact on our lives? It is called self-concept.
What is Self-Concept?
All of us, including children, have a mental picture of ourselves. We see ourselves as short or tall, a leader or a follower, a doughnut or a hole. This picture we have of ourselves is called our self-concept. Every person can be thought of as having an overall or general self-concept as well as more specific self concepts,
for example, regarding athletic, career, academic, or artistic ability. Thus, even though children may have an overall positive self-concept, they may have a less positive self-concept when it comes to their ability in school. In addition, children who may feel good about their ability in their class work, may feel awkward or self-conscious when they participate in sports activities.
A positive self-concept, or high level of self-esteem, represents strong self-approval. Such people like themselves, are self-confident and self-assured. People with positive self-concepts do not necessarily think of themselves as perfect or as better than others, but they are satisfied with themselves the way they are. A negative self-concept, or low level of self-esteem, indicates strong self-rejection. Such persons do not like themselves. People with negative self-concepts tend to expect failure in what they do. They may also set goals for themselves that are too high, which only proves to themselves that they are failures when those goals cannot be reached. Or they set goals so low that their abilities are not challenged, and they feel little success when they reach those easy goals.
Why Is a Positive Self-Concept So Important?
Self-concept is a filtering and coloring mechanism for children's daily experiences. If a child's self concept is low, things which are seen in the world may take on a negative appearance. Children who think of themselves in a negative way may have a difficult time viewing their experiences as being good or positive. On the other hand, children who have high self-concepts tend to view things in the world in a positive way. Whether self-concept is positive or negative can influence important areas of a child's development and achievement. Educators have recognized that there is a link between self-concept and performance in
school. Students with a strong self-concept tend to have good grades and take an active role in school.
They are able to accept challenges and enjoy new learning experiences. Students with a negative self concept tend to have both attitude and behavior problems. They may be unwilling to try new things, because they believe they will fail anyway, or they may not work up to their potential. Some educators
feel that a positive self-concept is so important that children need to be taught to like themselves before they are taught academic skills such as reading, writing, and mathematics.
Self-concept also affects a child's relationship with others, especially family members. You may be familiar with the adage "You cannot love others unless you first love yourself." It seems that people who like themselves will generally like others, while people who dislike themselves tend to be critical of others. Children with positive self-concepts may find it easier to get along with friends, classmates, and teachers. By feeling good about themselves children can make others feel good also. Children with poor self-concepts may find it difficult to make or keep friends because of their negative attitudes and behavior. Not having friends just helps to convince them further that they are not worth being friends with.
Self-concept also affects the quality of family life. When self-concept is positive among family members, they tend to support rather than criticize each other. This helps them to feel close to each other and have good communication with each other, which may lead to a satisfying family life.
Assessing a Child's Self-Concept
It may not always be easy, but by being alert and observing children's attitudes and behaviors, you can obtain a good idea of how much they like themselves. Think about the following questions when you observe your own or other children.
Positive
*Do they seem to have self-confidence?
*Are they able to complete tasks that they set out to do?
*Can they point out specific things they like about themselves?
*Are they proud of their name?
*Do they get excited when offered the opportunity to try new things?
*Do they set goals that challenge their ability without being impossible to achieve?
*Do they have dreams and ideas for what they would like to be when they "grow up?"
Negative
*Do they seem to lack self confidence?
*Are they easily frustrated and often quit tasks before they are completed?
*Do they have trouble saying positive things about themselves; or do they criticize themselves often?
*Are they embarrassed by their name?
*Do they get upset when given the opportunity to try new things because they are afraid of failing and being embarrassed?
*Do they set goals that are far below their ability or too difficult to achieve?
*Do they lack dreams and ideas of what they would like to be when they "grow up?"
By being observant and answering these questions you can make a good guess about whether a child tends to have a more negative or positive self-concept. If you answered "yes" to most of the questions on the positive side, then these children probably have an overall positive self-concept. If you answered "yes' to most of the questions on the negative side, then you may want to consider ways in which you can help these children develop a more positive view of themselves in areas where they do not feel positive. Or, you may want to strengthen those areas where they do feel positive about themselves. By knowing
something about children's self-concepts, you can gain valuable insight into their behavior, understand them better, and work toward enhancing positive feelings about themselves. It is important to remember, however, that even if children have an overall positive self-concept, there may be times when they lack confidence or feel self-conscious. This may be true especially when they are tired, or ill, or trying to tackle a job that is too difficult for their ability. Also, keep in mind that a child's overall self-concept can differ from the more specific self-concepts. When observing a child, be sure to look at him/her in several
different situations. Do not make a judgment based on one isolated situation or behavior.
Ways to Encourage a Positive Self-Concept in Children
Adults play an important role in the development of a child's self-concept. It takes very young children a lot of growing up before they are able to picture themselves as separate persons capable of thinking and acting for themselves. During the time that they are "painting" this picture of themselves, the relationships they have with those most important to them, particularly their parents, influence the picture they are developing of themselves. Do they feel loved and wanted? Are they able to count on their parents to meet their needs and take care of them? These are important components of a young child's self concept development.
As children get older, besides making them feel loved and wanted, adults can influence their child's self concept in ways they may not always be aware of. As children become aware of the adults around them, their parents and teachers serve as models to them. Adults who feel negatively about themselves and express these negative feelings may find children modeling, or imitating, these attitudes and behavior. Another way adults can influence children's self-concept(s) is by the way they apply labels to children. If adults continually label children as "bad" or "dumb," children will begin to believe these assessments,
feel negatively about themselves, and act in ways that reflect the labels applied to them. In other words, they will be bad or they will act "dumb" because adults have told them they are this way. In contrast, if positive qualities of the child are emphasized by the adult, then the child's self-concept will more likely
be positive as will his or her behavior. This is not to say that children with positive self-concepts will never misbehave. All children no matter how "good" they are, will disobey or test adults occasionally.
However, by focusing on the child's positive attitudes and behaviors, or what the child can do instead of cannot do, adults may reduce the amount of misbehavior from children. One step you can take in encouraging a positive self-concept in a child is to keep a log for a period of time (for example-two hours) of all the positive and negative statements you make to that child. Just make two columns on a piece of paper and keep a record of positive and negative statements. Try to do this on a "typical" day when you spend time with the child at home or in a familiar or comfortable environment, not on the day of his/her doctor's appointment or when you are shopping. If the number of positive statements is greater than the number of negative, give yourself a pat on the back. The suggestions below will provide you with ways to improve upon what you are now doing. If the number of negative statements outweighs the positive, decide whether you are ready to put effort into changing your approach. If so, take steps to incorporate the suggestions below into your behavior.
The following are suggestions for ways that you can strengthen a child's self-concept. Remember that, like all areas of human development, it will take time to see changes. If you would like to measure whether these suggestions do help the child, keep a record of the number of positive and negative statements the child makes about him/herself for a while (a day or two) before you try the ideas below. Then a few weeks or months later keep a record again to measure any change. Also, keep a log of your own statements again and compare it to your first log to see if you have improved.
1. Help children to set reasonable goals and evaluate realistically. Reasonable goals are individual, are made in relation to past performance, and have a long-range objective and an end-in-view. First, goals that are individual are goals that young children set for themselves. Young children may need your help
in setting goals by having you provide choices, but the goal itself should be theirs. Older children should be encouraged to set their own goals, but they also may need help at first. Second, setting goals in relation to past performance means building on personal strengths and trying to make improvements that
are possible for the children. Finally, be sure children have a long-range objective and an end-in-view. The end-in-view is something in which children can see day-to-day progress. It should lead toward their overall, long-range objectives. An example of a goal for eight-year-olds may be to keep their rooms clean. If their rooms now look like a tornado hit, or if you do all the cleaning for them, then an end-inview might be to put away their dirty clothes each night. After a few weeks that could be increased by having them help to pick up toys. After a month parents may add more responsibility until the overall objective of a clean room is reached. Keep in mind that young children may need some visible sign of their progress. Post a chart in their rooms or on the refrigerator so the children can see improvements that they are making. Give them a star or a check each time they reach their goal.
When children have completed a task, they should learn to evaluate that task realistically. In helping children to evaluate realistically, emphasize that you do not expect them to be perfect, nor should they expect perfection from themselves. Encourage children to simply keep improving. When making evaluations, teach children to compare their behavior to their own past performances, and not to parents, friends, or a brother or sister. That means, did they do better than the last time? If so, they succeeded. Also, teach children to be positive in their self-evaluations. For example, look at the number correct on a test, not the number missed. Children (and adults) learn more from success than failure. Make failures easier to handle by finding some specific positive aspects of the experience. For example, if your son takes part in a race at school but does not finish as he had expected, you might point out how hard he practiced or that he was able to run faster than last time.
2. Encourage children to praise themselves. Self-praise is at the center of a positive self-concept. Self-praise frees a person from waiting for compliments from others and supports the idea that it is all right for a person to feel good about him/herself. Helping your children to praise themselves is a delicate art. It
involves helping them to evaluate realistically, gain independence, and make their own judgments. When you praise children, you may make them dependent on you and your judgments. When children accomplish a task, instead of complimenting them, encourage self-praise. For example, you might say "I bet you feel good about what you have accomplished" or "How do you feel about what you did?" Be sure that the children are able to point out specific positive points about their experience or accomplishment. Also, encourage children to give themselves a verbal (or actual) "pat on the back" by speaking self-praise
out loud, even when no one is around. If children feel self-conscious or afraid others will think they are bragging, go through the bragging/ self-praise list that follows and then make up more examples on your own so that children can distinguish between bragging and self-praise. By teaching children to praise
themselves they will be less likely to depend on others for approval of what they have done or "fish for compliments" when they are older.
3. Adults, praise yourselves. Children learn by imitating adults. By praising yourself, you are showing children how to feel good about themselves and that it is all right to self-praise. However, it is not easy. When you do something you feel you did well you probably say something nice to yourself, but it is likely that you say it silently. It is important to teach yourself to say those positive things out loud, not only for yourself but also so that you can provide a positive model for your children. Tell yourself exactly what you did well and what was good about it. Begin with specific acts and then move on to more personal qualities. Praising yourself is not the same as bragging, however. Bragging usually involves trying to "prove something" to someone else, while self-praise does not. When you praise yourself you make a positive statement about how you feel about what you have done or hope to do. If self-praise is a new experience for you, start with something simple. For example, if you and your child are coloring together you might say "I really feel good about my picture." Also, try to praise yourself in front of adults, especially your spouse or others close to you. This will strengthen your self-concept and help those around you learn to focus on the positive. You may feel awkward or self-conscious at first, but the more you use self-praise the more natural it will become.
Bragging
*Compares behavior to others.
*Uses superlatives (like best, fastest, most understanding) in comparison to others.
* Tends to belittle others, or bestow praise on one's self at the expense of others.
* Sounds improbable, easy to argue with.
* Listener may not take statements seriously.
* Easy to be phony.
Examples:
* I am the fastest runner on the block.
* I make a better chocolate cake than anyone I know.
Self-Praise
*Compares behavior to own past performance.
*Uses comparatives (like better, faster, more understanding) in evaluating against one's own past behavior.
*Tends to enhance others or be mutually supportive.
*Sounds believable. Stresses speaker's feelings, therefore, difficult to argue with.
*Listener takes statements seriously, shares feelings with speaker.
*Requires self-disclosure.
Examples:
*I can run a mile a whole minute faster this year than last year.
*I feel very confident about my chocolate just as I like it. cake. It usually turns out moist and light-- just as I like it. just as I like it.
4. Teach children to praise others. Praise multiplies. Teaching children to praise themselves helps them to praise others, and praising others often brings praise in return. By learning how to praise others, children will become even better at looking for good things in themselves and in others instead of concentrating on the bad or weak things. One way to teach children to praise others is for you to say positive things to your children and others. Children need to practice, however, in order for a behavior to become "automatic" for them. Watch for opportunities to praise others and ask children to point out
something specific they like about what someone has done. For example, if your daughter's friend has brought over his recently completed model spaceship to show your child, you might tell the other child what you like about the spaceship and ask your child to do the same. Both of you could ask the child how
he feels about the project. You can also use such experiences to teach children to be honest and sincere in their praise. Suppose they do not really like what someone else has done. When you are alone with your daughter, explain to her that she should not be dishonest (for example, by saying she likes some thing
when she does not). But, she can say something nice about the person, such as "You sure put a lot of work into that," or "I'll bet you are learning a lot about---"
Along with praising others, receiving praise is a skill children need to acquire. Again, as with praising others, you play an important role as a model to children. When someone says something nice about us, we often tell them that they are wrong and that we are not actually that good. Instead, try thanking them and saying something nice (and honest) in return. Also, encourage children to say thank you when someone praises them and use the opportunity to praise themselves in front of the other person. Pick one of the four suggestions and try using it for a week. Also, discuss what you are planning to do
with your spouse, partner or with fellow teachers and encourage them to try it. Children are more likely to learn if significant adults are consistent with each other in dealing with them. At the end of the week, measure your progress. If you are doing well, add another step. If you need more practice, keep trying the first step for another week, then look at your progress again.
Some Additional Hints
Show interest in and give attention to children. Simply paying attention to children, talking with them, and showing interest in their activities and efforts will help them feel worthwhile. If a child comes to you with a drawing, do not say "What is this supposed to be?" or start laughing because it looks funny. Show
interest and appreciation for the child's effort. Comment on specific aspects of the picture, for example the bright colors or straight lines. If you are not sure what the picture is, ask the child to tell you about it in a gentle, interested way. Do not forget to encourage self-praise from the child. Respect children by making note of their presence in front of others. Introduce them to your friends as you would anyone else. Also, let children speak for themselves if the topic of conversation is about them. Let them explain their own science projects, describe their last baseball games, or talk about their favorite subject in school.
Summary
Helping children develop a positive self-concept may be one of the most difficult tasks of parenting or teaching. There is no easy, fool-proof formula for accomplishing this. It takes a lot of time and effort from concerned adults like you. You can feel good about yourself for taking the initiative and time to read this booklet which has, hopefully, provided you with some ideas to assist you in promoting a positive self-concept in your children. In order to help you implement some of the suggestions offered, keep in mind the word PRAISE and what each letter stands for:
P--Praise yourself, and help others to do the same.
R--Respect children.
A--Accept children.
I--Invest time in children.
S--Set reasonable goals.
E--Evaluate your accomplishments realistically.
while another boy almost crumbles at what he thinks is rejection? You may already be aware of the answer to these questions. All of us may be familiar with this personal characteristic but not realize the important role that it plays in our lives. It influences how we like ourselves, how we deal with others, and even the goals we set for ourselves in life. What is this thing that can have such a great impact on our lives? It is called self-concept.
What is Self-Concept?
All of us, including children, have a mental picture of ourselves. We see ourselves as short or tall, a leader or a follower, a doughnut or a hole. This picture we have of ourselves is called our self-concept. Every person can be thought of as having an overall or general self-concept as well as more specific self concepts,
for example, regarding athletic, career, academic, or artistic ability. Thus, even though children may have an overall positive self-concept, they may have a less positive self-concept when it comes to their ability in school. In addition, children who may feel good about their ability in their class work, may feel awkward or self-conscious when they participate in sports activities.
A positive self-concept, or high level of self-esteem, represents strong self-approval. Such people like themselves, are self-confident and self-assured. People with positive self-concepts do not necessarily think of themselves as perfect or as better than others, but they are satisfied with themselves the way they are. A negative self-concept, or low level of self-esteem, indicates strong self-rejection. Such persons do not like themselves. People with negative self-concepts tend to expect failure in what they do. They may also set goals for themselves that are too high, which only proves to themselves that they are failures when those goals cannot be reached. Or they set goals so low that their abilities are not challenged, and they feel little success when they reach those easy goals.
Why Is a Positive Self-Concept So Important?
Self-concept is a filtering and coloring mechanism for children's daily experiences. If a child's self concept is low, things which are seen in the world may take on a negative appearance. Children who think of themselves in a negative way may have a difficult time viewing their experiences as being good or positive. On the other hand, children who have high self-concepts tend to view things in the world in a positive way. Whether self-concept is positive or negative can influence important areas of a child's development and achievement. Educators have recognized that there is a link between self-concept and performance in
school. Students with a strong self-concept tend to have good grades and take an active role in school.
They are able to accept challenges and enjoy new learning experiences. Students with a negative self concept tend to have both attitude and behavior problems. They may be unwilling to try new things, because they believe they will fail anyway, or they may not work up to their potential. Some educators
feel that a positive self-concept is so important that children need to be taught to like themselves before they are taught academic skills such as reading, writing, and mathematics.
Self-concept also affects a child's relationship with others, especially family members. You may be familiar with the adage "You cannot love others unless you first love yourself." It seems that people who like themselves will generally like others, while people who dislike themselves tend to be critical of others. Children with positive self-concepts may find it easier to get along with friends, classmates, and teachers. By feeling good about themselves children can make others feel good also. Children with poor self-concepts may find it difficult to make or keep friends because of their negative attitudes and behavior. Not having friends just helps to convince them further that they are not worth being friends with.
Self-concept also affects the quality of family life. When self-concept is positive among family members, they tend to support rather than criticize each other. This helps them to feel close to each other and have good communication with each other, which may lead to a satisfying family life.
Assessing a Child's Self-Concept
It may not always be easy, but by being alert and observing children's attitudes and behaviors, you can obtain a good idea of how much they like themselves. Think about the following questions when you observe your own or other children.
Positive
*Do they seem to have self-confidence?
*Are they able to complete tasks that they set out to do?
*Can they point out specific things they like about themselves?
*Are they proud of their name?
*Do they get excited when offered the opportunity to try new things?
*Do they set goals that challenge their ability without being impossible to achieve?
*Do they have dreams and ideas for what they would like to be when they "grow up?"
Negative
*Do they seem to lack self confidence?
*Are they easily frustrated and often quit tasks before they are completed?
*Do they have trouble saying positive things about themselves; or do they criticize themselves often?
*Are they embarrassed by their name?
*Do they get upset when given the opportunity to try new things because they are afraid of failing and being embarrassed?
*Do they set goals that are far below their ability or too difficult to achieve?
*Do they lack dreams and ideas of what they would like to be when they "grow up?"
By being observant and answering these questions you can make a good guess about whether a child tends to have a more negative or positive self-concept. If you answered "yes" to most of the questions on the positive side, then these children probably have an overall positive self-concept. If you answered "yes' to most of the questions on the negative side, then you may want to consider ways in which you can help these children develop a more positive view of themselves in areas where they do not feel positive. Or, you may want to strengthen those areas where they do feel positive about themselves. By knowing
something about children's self-concepts, you can gain valuable insight into their behavior, understand them better, and work toward enhancing positive feelings about themselves. It is important to remember, however, that even if children have an overall positive self-concept, there may be times when they lack confidence or feel self-conscious. This may be true especially when they are tired, or ill, or trying to tackle a job that is too difficult for their ability. Also, keep in mind that a child's overall self-concept can differ from the more specific self-concepts. When observing a child, be sure to look at him/her in several
different situations. Do not make a judgment based on one isolated situation or behavior.
Ways to Encourage a Positive Self-Concept in Children
Adults play an important role in the development of a child's self-concept. It takes very young children a lot of growing up before they are able to picture themselves as separate persons capable of thinking and acting for themselves. During the time that they are "painting" this picture of themselves, the relationships they have with those most important to them, particularly their parents, influence the picture they are developing of themselves. Do they feel loved and wanted? Are they able to count on their parents to meet their needs and take care of them? These are important components of a young child's self concept development.
As children get older, besides making them feel loved and wanted, adults can influence their child's self concept in ways they may not always be aware of. As children become aware of the adults around them, their parents and teachers serve as models to them. Adults who feel negatively about themselves and express these negative feelings may find children modeling, or imitating, these attitudes and behavior. Another way adults can influence children's self-concept(s) is by the way they apply labels to children. If adults continually label children as "bad" or "dumb," children will begin to believe these assessments,
feel negatively about themselves, and act in ways that reflect the labels applied to them. In other words, they will be bad or they will act "dumb" because adults have told them they are this way. In contrast, if positive qualities of the child are emphasized by the adult, then the child's self-concept will more likely
be positive as will his or her behavior. This is not to say that children with positive self-concepts will never misbehave. All children no matter how "good" they are, will disobey or test adults occasionally.
However, by focusing on the child's positive attitudes and behaviors, or what the child can do instead of cannot do, adults may reduce the amount of misbehavior from children. One step you can take in encouraging a positive self-concept in a child is to keep a log for a period of time (for example-two hours) of all the positive and negative statements you make to that child. Just make two columns on a piece of paper and keep a record of positive and negative statements. Try to do this on a "typical" day when you spend time with the child at home or in a familiar or comfortable environment, not on the day of his/her doctor's appointment or when you are shopping. If the number of positive statements is greater than the number of negative, give yourself a pat on the back. The suggestions below will provide you with ways to improve upon what you are now doing. If the number of negative statements outweighs the positive, decide whether you are ready to put effort into changing your approach. If so, take steps to incorporate the suggestions below into your behavior.
The following are suggestions for ways that you can strengthen a child's self-concept. Remember that, like all areas of human development, it will take time to see changes. If you would like to measure whether these suggestions do help the child, keep a record of the number of positive and negative statements the child makes about him/herself for a while (a day or two) before you try the ideas below. Then a few weeks or months later keep a record again to measure any change. Also, keep a log of your own statements again and compare it to your first log to see if you have improved.
1. Help children to set reasonable goals and evaluate realistically. Reasonable goals are individual, are made in relation to past performance, and have a long-range objective and an end-in-view. First, goals that are individual are goals that young children set for themselves. Young children may need your help
in setting goals by having you provide choices, but the goal itself should be theirs. Older children should be encouraged to set their own goals, but they also may need help at first. Second, setting goals in relation to past performance means building on personal strengths and trying to make improvements that
are possible for the children. Finally, be sure children have a long-range objective and an end-in-view. The end-in-view is something in which children can see day-to-day progress. It should lead toward their overall, long-range objectives. An example of a goal for eight-year-olds may be to keep their rooms clean. If their rooms now look like a tornado hit, or if you do all the cleaning for them, then an end-inview might be to put away their dirty clothes each night. After a few weeks that could be increased by having them help to pick up toys. After a month parents may add more responsibility until the overall objective of a clean room is reached. Keep in mind that young children may need some visible sign of their progress. Post a chart in their rooms or on the refrigerator so the children can see improvements that they are making. Give them a star or a check each time they reach their goal.
When children have completed a task, they should learn to evaluate that task realistically. In helping children to evaluate realistically, emphasize that you do not expect them to be perfect, nor should they expect perfection from themselves. Encourage children to simply keep improving. When making evaluations, teach children to compare their behavior to their own past performances, and not to parents, friends, or a brother or sister. That means, did they do better than the last time? If so, they succeeded. Also, teach children to be positive in their self-evaluations. For example, look at the number correct on a test, not the number missed. Children (and adults) learn more from success than failure. Make failures easier to handle by finding some specific positive aspects of the experience. For example, if your son takes part in a race at school but does not finish as he had expected, you might point out how hard he practiced or that he was able to run faster than last time.
2. Encourage children to praise themselves. Self-praise is at the center of a positive self-concept. Self-praise frees a person from waiting for compliments from others and supports the idea that it is all right for a person to feel good about him/herself. Helping your children to praise themselves is a delicate art. It
involves helping them to evaluate realistically, gain independence, and make their own judgments. When you praise children, you may make them dependent on you and your judgments. When children accomplish a task, instead of complimenting them, encourage self-praise. For example, you might say "I bet you feel good about what you have accomplished" or "How do you feel about what you did?" Be sure that the children are able to point out specific positive points about their experience or accomplishment. Also, encourage children to give themselves a verbal (or actual) "pat on the back" by speaking self-praise
out loud, even when no one is around. If children feel self-conscious or afraid others will think they are bragging, go through the bragging/ self-praise list that follows and then make up more examples on your own so that children can distinguish between bragging and self-praise. By teaching children to praise
themselves they will be less likely to depend on others for approval of what they have done or "fish for compliments" when they are older.
3. Adults, praise yourselves. Children learn by imitating adults. By praising yourself, you are showing children how to feel good about themselves and that it is all right to self-praise. However, it is not easy. When you do something you feel you did well you probably say something nice to yourself, but it is likely that you say it silently. It is important to teach yourself to say those positive things out loud, not only for yourself but also so that you can provide a positive model for your children. Tell yourself exactly what you did well and what was good about it. Begin with specific acts and then move on to more personal qualities. Praising yourself is not the same as bragging, however. Bragging usually involves trying to "prove something" to someone else, while self-praise does not. When you praise yourself you make a positive statement about how you feel about what you have done or hope to do. If self-praise is a new experience for you, start with something simple. For example, if you and your child are coloring together you might say "I really feel good about my picture." Also, try to praise yourself in front of adults, especially your spouse or others close to you. This will strengthen your self-concept and help those around you learn to focus on the positive. You may feel awkward or self-conscious at first, but the more you use self-praise the more natural it will become.
Bragging
*Compares behavior to others.
*Uses superlatives (like best, fastest, most understanding) in comparison to others.
* Tends to belittle others, or bestow praise on one's self at the expense of others.
* Sounds improbable, easy to argue with.
* Listener may not take statements seriously.
* Easy to be phony.
Examples:
* I am the fastest runner on the block.
* I make a better chocolate cake than anyone I know.
Self-Praise
*Compares behavior to own past performance.
*Uses comparatives (like better, faster, more understanding) in evaluating against one's own past behavior.
*Tends to enhance others or be mutually supportive.
*Sounds believable. Stresses speaker's feelings, therefore, difficult to argue with.
*Listener takes statements seriously, shares feelings with speaker.
*Requires self-disclosure.
Examples:
*I can run a mile a whole minute faster this year than last year.
*I feel very confident about my chocolate just as I like it. cake. It usually turns out moist and light-- just as I like it. just as I like it.
4. Teach children to praise others. Praise multiplies. Teaching children to praise themselves helps them to praise others, and praising others often brings praise in return. By learning how to praise others, children will become even better at looking for good things in themselves and in others instead of concentrating on the bad or weak things. One way to teach children to praise others is for you to say positive things to your children and others. Children need to practice, however, in order for a behavior to become "automatic" for them. Watch for opportunities to praise others and ask children to point out
something specific they like about what someone has done. For example, if your daughter's friend has brought over his recently completed model spaceship to show your child, you might tell the other child what you like about the spaceship and ask your child to do the same. Both of you could ask the child how
he feels about the project. You can also use such experiences to teach children to be honest and sincere in their praise. Suppose they do not really like what someone else has done. When you are alone with your daughter, explain to her that she should not be dishonest (for example, by saying she likes some thing
when she does not). But, she can say something nice about the person, such as "You sure put a lot of work into that," or "I'll bet you are learning a lot about---"
Along with praising others, receiving praise is a skill children need to acquire. Again, as with praising others, you play an important role as a model to children. When someone says something nice about us, we often tell them that they are wrong and that we are not actually that good. Instead, try thanking them and saying something nice (and honest) in return. Also, encourage children to say thank you when someone praises them and use the opportunity to praise themselves in front of the other person. Pick one of the four suggestions and try using it for a week. Also, discuss what you are planning to do
with your spouse, partner or with fellow teachers and encourage them to try it. Children are more likely to learn if significant adults are consistent with each other in dealing with them. At the end of the week, measure your progress. If you are doing well, add another step. If you need more practice, keep trying the first step for another week, then look at your progress again.
Some Additional Hints
Show interest in and give attention to children. Simply paying attention to children, talking with them, and showing interest in their activities and efforts will help them feel worthwhile. If a child comes to you with a drawing, do not say "What is this supposed to be?" or start laughing because it looks funny. Show
interest and appreciation for the child's effort. Comment on specific aspects of the picture, for example the bright colors or straight lines. If you are not sure what the picture is, ask the child to tell you about it in a gentle, interested way. Do not forget to encourage self-praise from the child. Respect children by making note of their presence in front of others. Introduce them to your friends as you would anyone else. Also, let children speak for themselves if the topic of conversation is about them. Let them explain their own science projects, describe their last baseball games, or talk about their favorite subject in school.
Summary
Helping children develop a positive self-concept may be one of the most difficult tasks of parenting or teaching. There is no easy, fool-proof formula for accomplishing this. It takes a lot of time and effort from concerned adults like you. You can feel good about yourself for taking the initiative and time to read this booklet which has, hopefully, provided you with some ideas to assist you in promoting a positive self-concept in your children. In order to help you implement some of the suggestions offered, keep in mind the word PRAISE and what each letter stands for:
P--Praise yourself, and help others to do the same.
R--Respect children.
A--Accept children.
I--Invest time in children.
S--Set reasonable goals.
E--Evaluate your accomplishments realistically.
How to discipline a teenager
Many parents these days feel that they are not allowed to discipline their children. Parents need to feel confident that discipline is an important part of an adolescent’s upbringing. Adolescents need discipline in order to feel secure and safe while learning to get along with others and to live in society. The best discipline leads to them learning self-discipline. Often there is confusion for parents when ”discipline” and “punishment” are talked about. They are frequently used to mean the same thing, when in fact they are quite different. As children grow into adolescents they need a different approach from that which worked well in childhood.
Why do I need to change my style now?
This is a time when your children move quickly from being dependent where they look up to you and usually want to please, to becoming independent and wanting to make their own decisions and think for themselves. This path is not always smooth because the changes at this age are hard to cope with for both you and your teenager. This is a time to loosen the reins. At this time your children may seem to temporarily reject your values and it is easy to become frustrated and distressed and feel that you have lost your influence and control over them. Shouting, stubbornness, irrational behaviour, sulkiness and crying may all be ways of dealing with the strangeness and anxiety felt by adolescents in coming to grips with the fact that they are changing. This may be a difficult time for everyone and it requires consideration and patience.
What parents can do? Deal with the relationship.
• Work on your relationship with your son or daughter first or no discipline will be successful. Having a good relationship takes time but having parents spend time with them is something most teenagers want.
• Listen to their ideas without trying to force your ideas on them. Take an interest in what is important to them and you will have a good baseline to work from.
• Trusting your teenager is a valuable ingredient in your relationship. Trust has to be earned by you both. Remind yourself that your teenager is struggling with lots of new feelings and his behavior could be his way of showing genuine unhappiness. In this case, you would show your concern.
Set limits that stick.
Teenagers need rules and limits. This works best if you can work them out with your teenager. This will help your teenager feel that he has some choice and there is more chance of him being responsible. Be mindful that limits for 13 year olds are not suitable for 15 year olds and are far less suitable for 17 year olds.
• Allow for some risk taking, but also keep your teenager’s safety in mind. You need to have some rules that protect your teenager’s safety away from home and some for how he behaves in the home.
• Try to find out from other parents what limits they are setting and remember that if you are too far away from what their friends’ parents are doing, you will have much more difficulty in getting your teenager to cooperate with you.
• Don’t decide on rules in the middle of a crisis, especially if your teenager is in trouble for doing something wrong.
• Gradually remove the limits as your teenager begins to take over the reins of his own life.
What happens when the rules are broken?
Just because rules are broken does not mean there should be no rules. Remember that whatever you say, your teenager is likely to see it as punishment and be resentful.
• Don’t jump in. Look for the cause. Listen first to what your teenager has to say.
• Make consequences that fit the broken rules.... what works for one young person might not work for another.
• Your teenager must know very clearly beforehand what the consequences will be. It is important that any consequences you set are not so heavy that they stop your teenager from trying to deal with the situation again.
• Protecting your teenager from all consequences of her behaviour can damage her learning.
• Set consequences that can be quickly completed and then give your teenager a chance to try again e.g. ”You came home very late after we agreed on a time, so tomorrow I will pick you up” or “Tomorrow you will have to stay home”.
• Carry out the agreed consequences unless your teenager could not have controlled what happened.
• The last word should be yours with younger teenagers.
Be reasonable about what you expect
Parents often feel that most effort is on their part and they are hurt when even the most reasonable agreements are not kept. This is normal and part of testing and unless your teenager is getting into real difficulty it is wiser not to over-react. Expect and insist on a fair share in helping with chores so that your teenager feels a part of the family (as well as for your own benefit). Expect that you will often have to remind her! Be aware of your own reasons for setting limits and consequences e.g. are they reasonable or is it just because you were brought up that way?
What you say to yourself makes all the difference in how you cope with teenage problems. If you think, ”Why should I have to put up with this behaviour?” you are more likely to act in a way that drags out the battle than if you think, “My son is struggling with something at the moment and I need to work out the best way to sort this out”. If behaviour seems to be getting out of control or there is violence, you need to get support.
Your approach will make a difference
Expect that things won’t always go according to plan, for this is a time when your teenager will test the limits.
You should be able to be flexible for special circumstances (e.g. school socials, special parties). Where there is a concern about safety, you need to hold fast to your position.
The way you handle broken rules is important. If you lose your cool, your teenager will certainly lose hers.
Making a big scene when your teenager is 10 minutes late creates unnecessary conflict for all. It is better to not make a big deal of it and save the consequence for when rules are broken in a serious way.
Continually reminding your teenager of past mistakes is not helpful. It is important to give your teenager a chance to try again after a mistake (this is how we all learn). Make allowances in times of stress, such as exams or a romance breakup.
Reminders
• Be as fair as you can.
• Check your own expectations - are they reasonable?
• Make the consequence fit.
• Consequences that drag on lose their point.
• Ask yourself how important it is to “win” the battle. Focus on the important things and learn to overlook minor ones, even if you know best.
• Remember even when you love your teenagers you can still get angry and dislike them at times.
• Don’t store up bad feelings from the last time your teenager broke the rules.
• Look after yourself. Get support, talk to others and give yourself a “break” without feeling guilty.
• Remember that even difficult teenagers usually grow into responsible adults.
• Hang in there. Don’t give up on your child. The best resource your child has is you.
Why do I need to change my style now?
This is a time when your children move quickly from being dependent where they look up to you and usually want to please, to becoming independent and wanting to make their own decisions and think for themselves. This path is not always smooth because the changes at this age are hard to cope with for both you and your teenager. This is a time to loosen the reins. At this time your children may seem to temporarily reject your values and it is easy to become frustrated and distressed and feel that you have lost your influence and control over them. Shouting, stubbornness, irrational behaviour, sulkiness and crying may all be ways of dealing with the strangeness and anxiety felt by adolescents in coming to grips with the fact that they are changing. This may be a difficult time for everyone and it requires consideration and patience.
What parents can do? Deal with the relationship.
• Work on your relationship with your son or daughter first or no discipline will be successful. Having a good relationship takes time but having parents spend time with them is something most teenagers want.
• Listen to their ideas without trying to force your ideas on them. Take an interest in what is important to them and you will have a good baseline to work from.
• Trusting your teenager is a valuable ingredient in your relationship. Trust has to be earned by you both. Remind yourself that your teenager is struggling with lots of new feelings and his behavior could be his way of showing genuine unhappiness. In this case, you would show your concern.
Set limits that stick.
Teenagers need rules and limits. This works best if you can work them out with your teenager. This will help your teenager feel that he has some choice and there is more chance of him being responsible. Be mindful that limits for 13 year olds are not suitable for 15 year olds and are far less suitable for 17 year olds.
• Allow for some risk taking, but also keep your teenager’s safety in mind. You need to have some rules that protect your teenager’s safety away from home and some for how he behaves in the home.
• Try to find out from other parents what limits they are setting and remember that if you are too far away from what their friends’ parents are doing, you will have much more difficulty in getting your teenager to cooperate with you.
• Don’t decide on rules in the middle of a crisis, especially if your teenager is in trouble for doing something wrong.
• Gradually remove the limits as your teenager begins to take over the reins of his own life.
What happens when the rules are broken?
Just because rules are broken does not mean there should be no rules. Remember that whatever you say, your teenager is likely to see it as punishment and be resentful.
• Don’t jump in. Look for the cause. Listen first to what your teenager has to say.
• Make consequences that fit the broken rules.... what works for one young person might not work for another.
• Your teenager must know very clearly beforehand what the consequences will be. It is important that any consequences you set are not so heavy that they stop your teenager from trying to deal with the situation again.
• Protecting your teenager from all consequences of her behaviour can damage her learning.
• Set consequences that can be quickly completed and then give your teenager a chance to try again e.g. ”You came home very late after we agreed on a time, so tomorrow I will pick you up” or “Tomorrow you will have to stay home”.
• Carry out the agreed consequences unless your teenager could not have controlled what happened.
• The last word should be yours with younger teenagers.
Be reasonable about what you expect
Parents often feel that most effort is on their part and they are hurt when even the most reasonable agreements are not kept. This is normal and part of testing and unless your teenager is getting into real difficulty it is wiser not to over-react. Expect and insist on a fair share in helping with chores so that your teenager feels a part of the family (as well as for your own benefit). Expect that you will often have to remind her! Be aware of your own reasons for setting limits and consequences e.g. are they reasonable or is it just because you were brought up that way?
What you say to yourself makes all the difference in how you cope with teenage problems. If you think, ”Why should I have to put up with this behaviour?” you are more likely to act in a way that drags out the battle than if you think, “My son is struggling with something at the moment and I need to work out the best way to sort this out”. If behaviour seems to be getting out of control or there is violence, you need to get support.
Your approach will make a difference
Expect that things won’t always go according to plan, for this is a time when your teenager will test the limits.
You should be able to be flexible for special circumstances (e.g. school socials, special parties). Where there is a concern about safety, you need to hold fast to your position.
The way you handle broken rules is important. If you lose your cool, your teenager will certainly lose hers.
Making a big scene when your teenager is 10 minutes late creates unnecessary conflict for all. It is better to not make a big deal of it and save the consequence for when rules are broken in a serious way.
Continually reminding your teenager of past mistakes is not helpful. It is important to give your teenager a chance to try again after a mistake (this is how we all learn). Make allowances in times of stress, such as exams or a romance breakup.
Reminders
• Be as fair as you can.
• Check your own expectations - are they reasonable?
• Make the consequence fit.
• Consequences that drag on lose their point.
• Ask yourself how important it is to “win” the battle. Focus on the important things and learn to overlook minor ones, even if you know best.
• Remember even when you love your teenagers you can still get angry and dislike them at times.
• Don’t store up bad feelings from the last time your teenager broke the rules.
• Look after yourself. Get support, talk to others and give yourself a “break” without feeling guilty.
• Remember that even difficult teenagers usually grow into responsible adults.
• Hang in there. Don’t give up on your child. The best resource your child has is you.
Tough Love for Teens
Adolescence is a time of challenge and change -- for both teen and parent. Our teens are at a stage in life where they face a multitude of pressing decisions -- including those about friends, careers, sex, smoking, drinking, drugs and parental values. At the same time, they are confronted with profound physical, social and emotional changes. Before the early 1900's, there was no stage or period of life defined or acknowledged as adolescence. It is a period unique to modern urban America, created partly because our society does not exactly know what to do with this group of young people. It is perpetuated in part, because many adults buy into the "myths" of adolescence. What, for instance, do you think of the following statements? l Adolescence is an abnormal age, characterized by neuroses, anxieties and other psychological problems.
l Teenagers are inherently rebellious.
l Adolescents are nonconformists and unconventional in their habits and beliefs.
l A "generation gap" exists between adolescents and adults. Adolescents don't want to have anything to do with adults.
All of the above statements are false! Myths of adolescence are perpetuated because adults do not spend the time and effort learning about normal, expected changes during this period. It is much easier for us to put a label on people rather than to try to understand them. The teen years are truly "high speed, high
need" years. The major developmental tasks to be answered during this time are: (1) "Who am I?"; and (2) "How do I relate to the world?"
Frustration Produces Rejection
While most parents realize there are normal struggles between parents and teens as their sons and daughters struggle for independence and identity, they are often shocked by the length and intensity of the conflict. They are stunned by apparent rejection of some of their most sacred values and confused by their teenagers "acting up" and "acting out." In attempting to become psychologically independent of their parents, teens often attempt to move completely away from any control or influence by their parents. Instead of remembering the old proverb "the ear that accepts is better than the tongue that rejects," parents reject their adolescent, either directly or indirectly, through nagging, excessive criticism, impatience, anger, sibling comparison and suspiciousness.
When the rejected teenager reaches the limit of patience and tolerance, he or she lashes out – rejecting the family, the school, the church, the system and becomes a "runaway." The teen may run away by lying, cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking, using drugs, breaking laws, quitting school, or becoming pregnant. The goal is to hurt as the teen feels hurt by others.
The "Catch-22"
When the above situations occur, many parents (and teens as well) feel they are caught in a "double bind" -- a "Catch-22" situation. That is, the situation is bad; it doesn't make any difference what you do, it still doesn't work. Parent and teen are further apart than ever, and both feel terrible. It often seems as if things are getting worse and they ask why? Why are there so many arguments and so much pain among people who are really supposed to love each other? Why can't our family be normal? Why can't our family be happy? The reasons are many and complex. Often, parents today do not take enough time, working and playing with their children. They need to realize that the family is a complex emotional system, not a business organization. Parents must convey the message of caring, that "you count, you are important." They must nurture, encourage, show firmness, love, guide, respect, facilitate, and "'let go."
The Struggle for Control
Disagreements arise between parents and teens, usually over a matter of control, and the power struggle over "Who's in charge" and "Who's right" begins. On the one hand the parent is frequently correct in saying, "My teen is just not responsible enough or careful enough to be allowed to ..." On the other hand, a teen is often correct when he/she says, "My parents continue to treat me like I am 10 years old." Conflict often arises when parent and teen disagree over whether or not the teen has acted responsibly enough in the past to make certain decisions more independently in the future. One reason that the struggle for control continues or heats up is because both parents and teens are human. Parents give up control and then take it back. Teens act responsibly one weekend, irresponsibly the next. There are few things more difficult about being a parent than trying to figure out how to give the teenage son or daughter freedom enough to learn responsibility, self-reliance and the consequences of decision making, yet still keeping some control over behavior that is potentially dangerous. The typically stormy emotions of a teenager often increase the difficulty of situations. And, if the parent is angry, hostile or rejecting, the situation can deteriorate into a "standoff" between them and full-blown crisis in the home.
"Tough" Love
The concept of responsible parental love has been developed by Phyllis and David York in their publication TOUGHLOVE: A Self-Help Manual For Parents Troubled By Teen-Age Behavior. It represents a firm, caring solution for families torn apart by completely unacceptable and "acting-out" behavior. They distinguish "tough" love from "soft love," which is a non- helping, rescuing love that parents often provide their adolescent because they don't trust their child to make mistakes. They either feel guilty about not spending time with them, or they don't want their teen to make the same mistakes they did. In most cases, it does not help the child through the teen years in becoming a mature, responsible adult. While "tough" love as defined here is not rejecting, it forces both the young person and the parent to become aware of reality of their behaviors and decisions.
l "Tough" love means giving teens clear-cut rules and reasonable limits and expecting them to abide by them.
l "Tough" love means allowing adolescents to experience the consequences of their own behavior, no matter how much parents want to protect them.
l "Tough" love means getting tough with yourself and not rescuing your teen when things don't turn out the way you would like. When you help teenagers avoid consequences by rescuing them in the name of "helping" you are giving them "soft" love. "Soft" love then becomes part of the problem that keeps teenagers from experiencing the real consequences of unacceptable behavior.
l "Tough" love means you as a parent have rights, and you need to insist on those rights as you live together as a family.
l "Tough" love means taking a stand and setting rules about how you as a family will live together, and then sticking to your absolute limits. This does not mean that you stop loving or caring about your teenager. It does mean you stop treating your adolescent like a poor, helpless child. It means expecting the teen to be responsible for his actions, no matter how tough it seems to be on the parent or teen.
Rights as Parents
Parents, like children, minorities and other citizens have rights that should be defined and agreed upon. You have:
l A right to live in a clean house.
l A right to expect cooperation and courtesy at home.
l A right to expect responsible behavior from your children at school.
l A right to a night's sleep without worrying where your teenager is.
l A right not to be treated badly or inconsiderately by your teenager.
l A right to stop rescuing your teenager and start taking care of yourself.
If you as parent do not make sure your rights are respected, you cannot expect others, even your teenager, to respect you or your home. The rights and privileges of Mom and Dad, and those of adolescents and younger children, should be thoroughly discussed, preferably at the weekly family council meeting.
Solutions
There are no magic, easy solutions. However, a parent is wise to communicate absolute support to the young teenager by saying -- "I am going to love you, support you, and fulfill my responsibility to you, my offspring, no matter what mistakes you make. You are my son/daughter and nothing can change that.
I hope and trust you will do and feel the same toward your mother and me (or your father and me). So far, we are very proud of you and we feel that we will always be." Of course, the most difficult task for parents is conveying this message, beginning at age 2, throughout childhood and into the teen years. But what about the teen years themselves? What can parents do? How can parents combine flexibility with the control necessary to help adolescents regulate their inner impulses? These guidelines may help:
1. Give teenagers clear rules. Adolescents need help in setting limits on their behavior. They need to know what rules are acceptable for family members to follow. They need to know what parents expect and what their "bottom lines" are. Often, teenagers resent rules and test the absolute limits. But parents should not be afraid of "taking a stand" and insisting on certain behaviors that reflect their values. Parents can show respect for their teenager's feelings and opinions, but should reserve the right to set a few absolute limits about their teen actions. Teenagers gain strength and self-respect from parents who are clear and consistent in their expectations and are willing to discuss the reasons for their decisions.
2. Don't overact. The most important attribute a parent can have toward the teen is patience. And, it is often the most difficult attribute to give to teens. Patience means accepting the teenager's feelings. It means "listening with your heart as well as your ear." Listening, in a non- judgmental fashion, opens the door for understanding. Some parents are so anxious about the teen years that they react with severe punishment any time a teenager steps out of line. Usually, punishment does not help a teenager learn self- control. It is often more useful for parents to discuss their feelings about the problem behavior with their teenager and work out and enforce mutually acceptable standards.
3. Teach survival skills. Parents can do this by encouraging teens to take part in group activities. Belonging to 4-H or taking part in religious and school activities help teens learn to get along with others. Youth involved in supervised activities are less likely to be involved in activities which lead to delinquent behavior.
4. Give lots of encouragement. Teens need to know their families care about them, especially when they get in trouble. Be sure they know that you care. Show interest in their friends, school, and activities. Stand by them, not over them.
5. Only battle over important matters. As long as teenagers don't hurt themselves or others, ignore little things that irritate you. (Example: hair styles, clothes.) If parents battle with teens over everything they don't like or disapprove, teens may decide to rebel by "dropping out" or using drugs. Save your influence for important matters!
6. Don't treat teens like children. Don't say, "You aren't eating well enough" or, "You aren't getting enough sleep. You'd better be in bed early tonight," or "You can't have the car anymore till you bring your grades up." Treat your teens like responsible persons and they will act responsibly. Teenagers resent being treated like children. If you treat them like children, they will set out to prove they are not children, sometimes with delinquent, antisocial behavior.
7. Encourage independence. Parents have to learn to "let go" to keep their teenager. Separation from parents is a gradual process -- not a one-time event. It begins in infancy when the child first crawls away from mother and continues when the two-year-old says, "No! Me do it!" Separation, individuation, identity, autonomy are tasks which teenagers must accomplish to become mature, responsible adults. Parents can help by "letting go" gradually as the child matures. When parents see the teenager handling responsibility well, gradually increase opportunities for self-direction.
Allow the teenager to make mistakes, without berating, putting down or chewing out. We often learn more from the consequences of our mistakes than we learn from our successes. Hodding Carter reminds us: "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give to our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings."
Setting Rules and Limits
If you have been having particular difficulty with your teen lately, and you have tried to listen without judging or giving advice, and your relationship still seems to be deteriorating because of "major problems" which are occurring, you may wish to try this activity to examine your role and your teen's role in creating and maintaining the crisis. Think about some of the major problems you have faced recently that were created by your teenager. Perhaps your daughter had an accident with the family car; or perhaps your son skipped school and you had to see the principal; or perhaps you received a summons from the court for your teenager's drinking or shoplifting offense; or your teen is on the verge of being expelled from school because of insolent behavior.
Get a pencil and paper and write down all such incidents in the past six months. Most of us would rather list them in our heads than face the pain of writing them down on paper. Face your situation! Don't avoid it any longer. Put a check ( ) by those problems that you most strongly resent and you never want to
deal with again. Perhaps you checked all the items, perhaps only a few. These are your absolute limits.
"I Will Not..."
Look at the list of problems you checked as your absolute limits. For each item, write down one or more "I will not" statements. These "I will not" statements will provide the basis for your stand. There may be statements such as:
1. I will not pay my teenager's traffic fines.
2. I will not fight with school officials about my teenager's behavior.
3. I will not tolerate disrespect/violence in my home.
4. I will not give my teenager any more money for gas, movies, partying.
5. I will not argue with my teenager about any of the above.
These "I will not" statements represent your absolute limits. They should be thought out carefully and are "non-negotiable." To back off from your absolute limit is to retreat and begin crisis-supporting behavior. In the "tough" love you give your teenager you:
l Set limits on alcohol use, drugs, and unacceptable behaviors.
l You make these rules and limits known, preferably at family council meetings.
l You do not argue with your teenager about the "rightness" of it.
l You do not pay attention to unhappy faces, tears, angry curses, or rejection.
l You keep your cool -- you are not angry, spiteful, rejecting.
l You ignore your own feelings of guilt, anger, remorse, the wish to rescue. Remember, you are not going to do battle on every little thing -- only on the absolute limits. You do have a choice, and you do care about your teenager.
A Word of Caution
Giving "tough" love to your adolescent is hard work:
l It is not a panacea to solve all parent-teen problems.
l It is not something you do to "win" the power struggle, to "get even" or put down your teenager.
l It should not be an alternative to effective communication, listening, negotiation, problemsolving, family council meetings.
l It is an attempt to break away from the vicious triangle of in which nobody wins.
Understanding Your Teenager
You can facilitate your teenager's growth through the adolescent years by:
l Feeling with them their joy when they are happy, and their sorrow when sad.
l Being on call to answer questions, to give information, and for companionship. Being able to be yourself with them.
l Knowing where your "skin" ends and theirs begins; by not intruding or telling them how they feel.
l Giving the adolescent options; then let him accept the natural consequences of his choice.
l Listening and being open to their views, even if you disagree.
l Being aware that our world seems different to the adolescent than to us. That the adolescent world is really different than when you were a teen.
l Seeking professional help from a family therapist if needed.
As an adult, you must model acceptable adult behavior in all situations. If you can say "I'm sorry I got angry," or "I apologize for criticizing you before listening to all you have to say," teens will have more respect for all adults. It is also useful to remind young teenagers (13-15) that it is easier to treat them as
adults if they act like adults. And it is very useful to adult parents to remember that they were once teenagers themselves.
l Teenagers are inherently rebellious.
l Adolescents are nonconformists and unconventional in their habits and beliefs.
l A "generation gap" exists between adolescents and adults. Adolescents don't want to have anything to do with adults.
All of the above statements are false! Myths of adolescence are perpetuated because adults do not spend the time and effort learning about normal, expected changes during this period. It is much easier for us to put a label on people rather than to try to understand them. The teen years are truly "high speed, high
need" years. The major developmental tasks to be answered during this time are: (1) "Who am I?"; and (2) "How do I relate to the world?"
Frustration Produces Rejection
While most parents realize there are normal struggles between parents and teens as their sons and daughters struggle for independence and identity, they are often shocked by the length and intensity of the conflict. They are stunned by apparent rejection of some of their most sacred values and confused by their teenagers "acting up" and "acting out." In attempting to become psychologically independent of their parents, teens often attempt to move completely away from any control or influence by their parents. Instead of remembering the old proverb "the ear that accepts is better than the tongue that rejects," parents reject their adolescent, either directly or indirectly, through nagging, excessive criticism, impatience, anger, sibling comparison and suspiciousness.
When the rejected teenager reaches the limit of patience and tolerance, he or she lashes out – rejecting the family, the school, the church, the system and becomes a "runaway." The teen may run away by lying, cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking, using drugs, breaking laws, quitting school, or becoming pregnant. The goal is to hurt as the teen feels hurt by others.
The "Catch-22"
When the above situations occur, many parents (and teens as well) feel they are caught in a "double bind" -- a "Catch-22" situation. That is, the situation is bad; it doesn't make any difference what you do, it still doesn't work. Parent and teen are further apart than ever, and both feel terrible. It often seems as if things are getting worse and they ask why? Why are there so many arguments and so much pain among people who are really supposed to love each other? Why can't our family be normal? Why can't our family be happy? The reasons are many and complex. Often, parents today do not take enough time, working and playing with their children. They need to realize that the family is a complex emotional system, not a business organization. Parents must convey the message of caring, that "you count, you are important." They must nurture, encourage, show firmness, love, guide, respect, facilitate, and "'let go."
The Struggle for Control
Disagreements arise between parents and teens, usually over a matter of control, and the power struggle over "Who's in charge" and "Who's right" begins. On the one hand the parent is frequently correct in saying, "My teen is just not responsible enough or careful enough to be allowed to ..." On the other hand, a teen is often correct when he/she says, "My parents continue to treat me like I am 10 years old." Conflict often arises when parent and teen disagree over whether or not the teen has acted responsibly enough in the past to make certain decisions more independently in the future. One reason that the struggle for control continues or heats up is because both parents and teens are human. Parents give up control and then take it back. Teens act responsibly one weekend, irresponsibly the next. There are few things more difficult about being a parent than trying to figure out how to give the teenage son or daughter freedom enough to learn responsibility, self-reliance and the consequences of decision making, yet still keeping some control over behavior that is potentially dangerous. The typically stormy emotions of a teenager often increase the difficulty of situations. And, if the parent is angry, hostile or rejecting, the situation can deteriorate into a "standoff" between them and full-blown crisis in the home.
"Tough" Love
The concept of responsible parental love has been developed by Phyllis and David York in their publication TOUGHLOVE: A Self-Help Manual For Parents Troubled By Teen-Age Behavior. It represents a firm, caring solution for families torn apart by completely unacceptable and "acting-out" behavior. They distinguish "tough" love from "soft love," which is a non- helping, rescuing love that parents often provide their adolescent because they don't trust their child to make mistakes. They either feel guilty about not spending time with them, or they don't want their teen to make the same mistakes they did. In most cases, it does not help the child through the teen years in becoming a mature, responsible adult. While "tough" love as defined here is not rejecting, it forces both the young person and the parent to become aware of reality of their behaviors and decisions.
l "Tough" love means giving teens clear-cut rules and reasonable limits and expecting them to abide by them.
l "Tough" love means allowing adolescents to experience the consequences of their own behavior, no matter how much parents want to protect them.
l "Tough" love means getting tough with yourself and not rescuing your teen when things don't turn out the way you would like. When you help teenagers avoid consequences by rescuing them in the name of "helping" you are giving them "soft" love. "Soft" love then becomes part of the problem that keeps teenagers from experiencing the real consequences of unacceptable behavior.
l "Tough" love means you as a parent have rights, and you need to insist on those rights as you live together as a family.
l "Tough" love means taking a stand and setting rules about how you as a family will live together, and then sticking to your absolute limits. This does not mean that you stop loving or caring about your teenager. It does mean you stop treating your adolescent like a poor, helpless child. It means expecting the teen to be responsible for his actions, no matter how tough it seems to be on the parent or teen.
Rights as Parents
Parents, like children, minorities and other citizens have rights that should be defined and agreed upon. You have:
l A right to live in a clean house.
l A right to expect cooperation and courtesy at home.
l A right to expect responsible behavior from your children at school.
l A right to a night's sleep without worrying where your teenager is.
l A right not to be treated badly or inconsiderately by your teenager.
l A right to stop rescuing your teenager and start taking care of yourself.
If you as parent do not make sure your rights are respected, you cannot expect others, even your teenager, to respect you or your home. The rights and privileges of Mom and Dad, and those of adolescents and younger children, should be thoroughly discussed, preferably at the weekly family council meeting.
Solutions
There are no magic, easy solutions. However, a parent is wise to communicate absolute support to the young teenager by saying -- "I am going to love you, support you, and fulfill my responsibility to you, my offspring, no matter what mistakes you make. You are my son/daughter and nothing can change that.
I hope and trust you will do and feel the same toward your mother and me (or your father and me). So far, we are very proud of you and we feel that we will always be." Of course, the most difficult task for parents is conveying this message, beginning at age 2, throughout childhood and into the teen years. But what about the teen years themselves? What can parents do? How can parents combine flexibility with the control necessary to help adolescents regulate their inner impulses? These guidelines may help:
1. Give teenagers clear rules. Adolescents need help in setting limits on their behavior. They need to know what rules are acceptable for family members to follow. They need to know what parents expect and what their "bottom lines" are. Often, teenagers resent rules and test the absolute limits. But parents should not be afraid of "taking a stand" and insisting on certain behaviors that reflect their values. Parents can show respect for their teenager's feelings and opinions, but should reserve the right to set a few absolute limits about their teen actions. Teenagers gain strength and self-respect from parents who are clear and consistent in their expectations and are willing to discuss the reasons for their decisions.
2. Don't overact. The most important attribute a parent can have toward the teen is patience. And, it is often the most difficult attribute to give to teens. Patience means accepting the teenager's feelings. It means "listening with your heart as well as your ear." Listening, in a non- judgmental fashion, opens the door for understanding. Some parents are so anxious about the teen years that they react with severe punishment any time a teenager steps out of line. Usually, punishment does not help a teenager learn self- control. It is often more useful for parents to discuss their feelings about the problem behavior with their teenager and work out and enforce mutually acceptable standards.
3. Teach survival skills. Parents can do this by encouraging teens to take part in group activities. Belonging to 4-H or taking part in religious and school activities help teens learn to get along with others. Youth involved in supervised activities are less likely to be involved in activities which lead to delinquent behavior.
4. Give lots of encouragement. Teens need to know their families care about them, especially when they get in trouble. Be sure they know that you care. Show interest in their friends, school, and activities. Stand by them, not over them.
5. Only battle over important matters. As long as teenagers don't hurt themselves or others, ignore little things that irritate you. (Example: hair styles, clothes.) If parents battle with teens over everything they don't like or disapprove, teens may decide to rebel by "dropping out" or using drugs. Save your influence for important matters!
6. Don't treat teens like children. Don't say, "You aren't eating well enough" or, "You aren't getting enough sleep. You'd better be in bed early tonight," or "You can't have the car anymore till you bring your grades up." Treat your teens like responsible persons and they will act responsibly. Teenagers resent being treated like children. If you treat them like children, they will set out to prove they are not children, sometimes with delinquent, antisocial behavior.
7. Encourage independence. Parents have to learn to "let go" to keep their teenager. Separation from parents is a gradual process -- not a one-time event. It begins in infancy when the child first crawls away from mother and continues when the two-year-old says, "No! Me do it!" Separation, individuation, identity, autonomy are tasks which teenagers must accomplish to become mature, responsible adults. Parents can help by "letting go" gradually as the child matures. When parents see the teenager handling responsibility well, gradually increase opportunities for self-direction.
Allow the teenager to make mistakes, without berating, putting down or chewing out. We often learn more from the consequences of our mistakes than we learn from our successes. Hodding Carter reminds us: "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give to our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings."
Setting Rules and Limits
If you have been having particular difficulty with your teen lately, and you have tried to listen without judging or giving advice, and your relationship still seems to be deteriorating because of "major problems" which are occurring, you may wish to try this activity to examine your role and your teen's role in creating and maintaining the crisis. Think about some of the major problems you have faced recently that were created by your teenager. Perhaps your daughter had an accident with the family car; or perhaps your son skipped school and you had to see the principal; or perhaps you received a summons from the court for your teenager's drinking or shoplifting offense; or your teen is on the verge of being expelled from school because of insolent behavior.
Get a pencil and paper and write down all such incidents in the past six months. Most of us would rather list them in our heads than face the pain of writing them down on paper. Face your situation! Don't avoid it any longer. Put a check ( ) by those problems that you most strongly resent and you never want to
deal with again. Perhaps you checked all the items, perhaps only a few. These are your absolute limits.
"I Will Not..."
Look at the list of problems you checked as your absolute limits. For each item, write down one or more "I will not" statements. These "I will not" statements will provide the basis for your stand. There may be statements such as:
1. I will not pay my teenager's traffic fines.
2. I will not fight with school officials about my teenager's behavior.
3. I will not tolerate disrespect/violence in my home.
4. I will not give my teenager any more money for gas, movies, partying.
5. I will not argue with my teenager about any of the above.
These "I will not" statements represent your absolute limits. They should be thought out carefully and are "non-negotiable." To back off from your absolute limit is to retreat and begin crisis-supporting behavior. In the "tough" love you give your teenager you:
l Set limits on alcohol use, drugs, and unacceptable behaviors.
l You make these rules and limits known, preferably at family council meetings.
l You do not argue with your teenager about the "rightness" of it.
l You do not pay attention to unhappy faces, tears, angry curses, or rejection.
l You keep your cool -- you are not angry, spiteful, rejecting.
l You ignore your own feelings of guilt, anger, remorse, the wish to rescue. Remember, you are not going to do battle on every little thing -- only on the absolute limits. You do have a choice, and you do care about your teenager.
A Word of Caution
Giving "tough" love to your adolescent is hard work:
l It is not a panacea to solve all parent-teen problems.
l It is not something you do to "win" the power struggle, to "get even" or put down your teenager.
l It should not be an alternative to effective communication, listening, negotiation, problemsolving, family council meetings.
l It is an attempt to break away from the vicious triangle of in which nobody wins.
Understanding Your Teenager
You can facilitate your teenager's growth through the adolescent years by:
l Feeling with them their joy when they are happy, and their sorrow when sad.
l Being on call to answer questions, to give information, and for companionship. Being able to be yourself with them.
l Knowing where your "skin" ends and theirs begins; by not intruding or telling them how they feel.
l Giving the adolescent options; then let him accept the natural consequences of his choice.
l Listening and being open to their views, even if you disagree.
l Being aware that our world seems different to the adolescent than to us. That the adolescent world is really different than when you were a teen.
l Seeking professional help from a family therapist if needed.
As an adult, you must model acceptable adult behavior in all situations. If you can say "I'm sorry I got angry," or "I apologize for criticizing you before listening to all you have to say," teens will have more respect for all adults. It is also useful to remind young teenagers (13-15) that it is easier to treat them as
adults if they act like adults. And it is very useful to adult parents to remember that they were once teenagers themselves.
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