Assertiveness Aids Persuasion
We own ourselves - body and soul. This ownership grants us specific rights -- they endow us with dignity. Dignity demands an obligation to safeguard our rights. No one can impinge upon them. Others possess these very same rights. We cannot encroach upon these rights. While we expect others to respect our rights, we must also respect others. This principle enshrines the core of assertive behavior.
Assertive behavior sows confidence. Confidence prevents us from yielding weakly in the face of pressure and it puts our needs forward. Anytime, anywhere. We feel good about ourselves because we send a
clear message as to how people should treat us. Assertive behavior requires that we act politely, reasonable and objective. Assertive behaviour requires that we let others know exactly what we want and feel.
As a natural consequence, persuasion cannot occur in the absence of assertive behavior. To convince others, we must be naturally assertive. A weakling cannot sway the mind of an opponent. Victorious persuasion can be easy. First, know your rights. Be aware of where you stand. Then deploy the tools of scientific persuasion. Be forcefully assertive. The first shot fired in the war of wills comes only after invoking the proper mental disposition - through assertiveness. Assertiveness is the first golden key to successful persuasion.
How can you be assertive?
Being assertive is not being passive or being aggressive. It is the balance. It is honoring yourself enough to defend your rights. Timidity is a widespread malady; as a result, many to fail to speak-up when the situation calls for it. Thus, the more dominant individuals steam roller over those with mild-mannered personalities. Everyone has rights that must be held inviolable. As human beings we are all called upon to defend these civil liberties. What rights are these? Etch the following to memory and you will live a life in full command of yourselves.
The Bill of Inalienable Rights
I ALWAYS have the right to:
· State what I want regardless of whether I can get it.
· Express my opinion and feelings.
· Make my own decisions and change it if I wish.
· Decline from explaining my actions or refuse to give an excuse for it.
· Turn down a request with out guilt. I can say NO.
· Accede to a request but put boundaries upon compliance.
· Not be discriminated against.
How does one act assertively? When defending your bill of rights remember to take four steps
1. Be Direct. Don't beat around the bush. State your mind (thoughts, ideas, needs) without excuses.
2. Take full responsibility. Specially when giving opinions, make it clear that it is not a universal truth but your opinion. This step allows people to be more receptive to you. It also enables them to see you as unwavering. Preface your statements with "My feeling is that", "I think...", "In my opinion..." "My understanding....".
3. Be calm and in control. Let your words, tone, and body language show restraint. Do not let others influence your response,
4. Be objective and polite. Make no personal or character attacks
Assertive Strategies to Deal with Problem Situations
Difficult people make it hard to assert our rights. The following techniques enable you to parry such people and deal with common tough situations.
Getting Compliance to a Justified Request (The Broken Record Technique)
Have you ever stated a request and were turned down? Did it frustrate you to receive a no to a perfectly legitimate petition? The Broken Record Technique allows you to gain compliance. Many of us have unknowingly employed it before.
Applying it is easy.
Here is the secret: simply decide on the desired outcome then unceasingly repeat the request or statement geared to spawn that desired outcome until you get it. While using this verbal tool, maintain firm determination and an unwavering tone tempered with politeness. Where possible, rephrase the
statement each time to avoid awkwardness. Through brute repetition, you wear down resistance to your request, statement or order.
Handling Criticism (The Clouding Technique)
We all hate criticism. It stings, it scathes. It hurts. It comes our way at least once a day. We can deal with it emotionally, escalate it and risk fraying a relationship. The alternative is to handle it assertively. The
Clouding Criticism Technique defangs fighting words. To "cloud" the criticism is to diffuse it's potential for all out verbal war. The criticism is taken, absorbed, and rendered impotent. Rolling with the punches in this manner yields more results than countering with outright denial.
To cloud the criticism takes six steps:
From the very beginning, focus on the content of the criticism , not the behavior of the critic. Listen emotionlessly. Yielding to emotion leaves you vulnerable to further criticism. Anger and fury attract further criticism as blood lures sharks.
· Calmly let the opponent talk till satisfied. Allow him to vent his ire into the stream of criticism. Do not interrupt. Be stone-cold silent. This allows him to assuage his fury and gives you the time to assemble a well crafted rebuttal, if need be. Allowing the opponent to lash out unhindered drains him emotionally, leaving him open to a well planned counter-attack.
· Eliminate all embers. To further decreases his emotional turmoil and kill the fire, ask if there is anything else they might want to add.
· Acknowledge having heard it. State "I understand that you are concerned about..." This negates the danger of letting the criticism looming indefinitely in everyone's mind.
· Cloud the Statements. Take the criticism and AGREE with it partially or in principle. This is a very effective method to derail any follow up attacks meant to reinforce angry words. By rolling with the punches instead of countering, you foster a friendlier environment.
Agree with some truth in the criticism. Here's the technique:
· Clouding the Criticism by Agreeing Partially entails taking his criticism and agreeing with some parts of it. This is effective when being criticized with words that involve sweeping adjectives like "always, never, and forever. Through partial agreement, the attacker's fury diminishes and this leads to more open discussion.
For example:
Criticism: You're always out of town. You never see your friends anymore.
Reply: I agree. I have little time for my friends these days. (agreeing partially)
Clouding the Criticism by Agreeing in Principle, entails fully agreeing with the principle of the criticism but not with the accusation leveraged against you. You admit that the principle is valid, but you nimbly sidestep blame. Agreeing in Principle lessens conflict because the critic gets confused with the quick acceptance of his point. He is thrown off balance and is unsure how to continue. Before he can think of a reply, you can work to defuse further conflict.
Criticism: You're always out of town. You never see your friends anymore.
Reply: I agree. Distance takes away much time for friends. (you agree that out of town trips minimizes time with friends; however you don't accept fault.) Finally, after clouding the criticism, ask what would make things better. Tell him "What would make this situation better for both of us?" Listen to the reply and give your own input. The last step snuffs all residual negativity and focuses the situation of problem
solving. If outright lies pepper the criticism use a secret technique.
The technique of Presuming Innocence parries the criticism while allowing the critic to save face.
The Technique:
Rapport cannot be built by pointing out errors in the logic of the criticism leveraged against you.
Allow your prospects to save face by asking questions until you lose imagination or control.
Presuming Innocence calls for incessant interrogation of the opponent on the reason, motive, factual basis, etc. for his accusation. Say, for instance, "How does that relate to the . . ." (then state the apparently conflicting information). Sometimes, you might find you were wrong, and you "save face." Or, by continued non threatening questions, you can gently corner the other person into self-correcting.
Saying No and Setting Boundaries
Acceptance and Refusal
Saying "yes" when a "no" is meant erodes self-esteem. Remember always, that each one has the right to say no. When pressured for an unwanted "yes", practice the Broken Record technique when declining
with a no. Repeat your no's with as few excuses as possible. While doing so, keep in mind the cost (such as time, stress, resources) an unwanted "yes" might extract from you. Hang on to your no firmly. Ensure that the "no" is accompanied with a calm posture and even tone of voice. To build up your capacity to say no, practice stating no in easy situations to build confidence.
In cases where an outright yes or no is not required, such as when there is partial agreement, state a qualified yes. Simply put, agree to the request but set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable and not
acceptable to you. This is your right. For example, your boss requires that you stay overtime. You agree, but only until 9:00pm, so you state, "Yes, I can take some extra work tonight. I'll stay until 9:00pm tonight."
Situations which call for the expression of boundaries include instances when generosity is taken advantage of and welcome is overstayed.
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